I have a lot to say

... so skim if you get tired of me.
anyway.

Prom... it was exactly what I expected. I looked nice, but not as nice as I wished I could have looked. Boy looked sharp in his tux. and my grandmother cried as I kissed her goodbye to go to the prom. Then when we got there, I ate just a little bit and danced until my hairline was sweaty. It was a lot of fun, and boy kept looking at me the way I always wanted someone to look at me.

At the end of the night when I kissed him for the last time of the evening, he looked at me right in the eyes and I could tell he wanted to say those words. I'm glad he didn't but I'm also so glad to know it's there. He told me how beautiful I looked all night, but in the last moment when he looked at me like that I could believe that he meant it.

He, being a character straight out of a romance novel, has a summer training thing for the Naval Academy this week so he couldn't go to the after party. But I went with my friends and it was... well, it was something. When we arrived the hostess's mother took all our car keys and then we got changed and went out to the bonfire. Then when everyone was sure her parents were asleep, the alcohol came out. Couples were having sex, random people were smoking, and everyone was drinking. I only had half a mixer, but some people got completely smashed. It was kinda gross. I was sitting with this other guy who wasn't really drinking either and we had a good time laughing at the stupid drunk people and the obnoxious smokers.

I think I didn't drink because boy was so nervous about me getting into trouble. He texted me to be careful. 'I care about you' it said. I think he's under the false impression that guys are interested in me and would take advantage of me drunk. yeah right. no one wants this, so he doesn't need to worry. But I didn't drink anyway because I didn't want to do anything stupid or embarrassing. plus, alcohol and soda have too many calories :P

When I woke up in the morning after about 3 hours of sleep, it was cold and I was sore from the hard ground. I went home and slept another 5 hours and ate nothing. I just wasn't hungry. I don't know why but I was feeling really sad. So I drove down to the out lets and walked around for two hours, just browsing the stores. I didn't spend a dollar. Then I went to the movies and saw brides maids. It was really funny but for some reason I cried through the second half. I don't even know why, I just felt so terrible. the movie wasn't even that sad. I mean, it was a little sad at one part, but enough for me to cry normally. But I was sobbing, trying not to make any noise.

How sad is that? a girl alone at a movie, crying her eyes out for no reason. then after the movie I drove home to an empty house and cried alone in my bed for an hour until I fell asleep.

today I ate two blueberry muffins while watching Funny Girl (yeah, I'm kinda pathetic). and I'm going to my senior choir dinner tonight, so more food. I wish I could be thin. But I'm not motivated enough to do anything but cry and sleep. I didn't even go to church. I need to get better, I need to tell someone about these rehabilitating mood swings and my binge eating/starving problem. I need to fix myself. but right now I'm not sure how to do that. I don't even know if I want to.