Empty

I feel unstable. like at any moment my bones are going to crumble and I'll just be a puddle on the floor. I let things go too far and now... now, I don't know what to do. I feel so incredibly empty, but also like I might disintegrate. But then again, I feel like I'm swimming in thoughts and images. I guess mostly I'm confused.

I let things go too far with my boyfriend last night. I knew I shouldn't have. I knew it was a bad idea, but I did it anyway. I thought things would be okay. But everything is not okay. It got to this point, with hormones and lust and nakedness and suddenly I was cold instead of overheating and shaking because I was so scared. And he looked at me with those eyes and I stopped for a moment and it was okay for a tiny instant. so we kept going. But instants like that one that make things okay, they are here and then not here oh so quickly. And then I was wiggling my way out from under him and getting away as quick as I could.

He had to drive me home, and I didn't cry. We talked and he was so sorry. "I care about you." "I don't want to hurt you." blah blah blah. It didn't matter what he said, it was all just words. And what had gone wrong, that wasn't words at all. I had let him take more than I wanted to give.

I could have stopped it, but I didn't, and that made me just as upset. So I called him an hour later once I had collected myself and told him I was sorry. I told him it was my fault and that I wasn't mature enough to handle this yet. Which is true. But what I had wanted to say was: "I don't think we should see each other anymore."

What sucks though is that I really like him, too. So I can't let him go like that. I need to keep him around, even if only until summer ends. And today I go to camp, another adventure. A way to get away from all of this and feel good about giving back. I hope camp can heal this. I hope it can take away the echoing emptiness of last night's mistakes and fill me up with strength. I need God right now.