"why can't you just be normal?"

because it's not all that fucking simple! 

because looking in the mirror has never been for me what it is for other people. because I don't see food anymore, I see numbers. because if I stop now, I'll always be as ugly as I am right now. because it's the only thing I have total control over at the moment. because I've always had this problem. because I don't really even know what normal is.

Boy is getting under my skin. It kills me that I'm falling for him. And I know he thinks he loves me, but he doesn't know what that means. I don't know if I know what love means. 

He got so mad at me yesterday when I lied about food and he caught the lie. I ate nothing at a party we went to then we met up with another group in town at a pizza place and I said I already ate at the party. So in the car he asked me why I lied and I said that I just didn't want to eat. And he freaked and I shut down. and then he got all stormy and said for the zillionth time that he wished I would trust him. and so we talked and I already regret every word, just like I knew I would. I don't know why I let him do this to me. and then after a long beat of silence he asked "why can't you just be normal?" and I didn't answer.

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I remembered I never posted prom pictures! so here are some:

 My arms look so incredibly fat. yuck. and sorry for picture quality. some of them weren't converting right. thank you girls for always being there for me. I don't know what I'd do without you!