I've been terrible these past few days. I can't go half an hour without thinking about how absolutely disgusting and loathsome I am. It makes me cry. I sit, surrounded by people who care about me, feeling completely alone. Even when I'm happy I have it in the back of my head that the happiness is fleeting. It seems like all I can think about is what a disappointment I must be. And how much I miss my mother. Everything that hurts me seems to be connected.
With boy, I only want to apologize all the time. He touches my waist and I just want to say "sorry I'm so fat" and he kisses my forehead and the first thought that jumps to mind is "sorry my face is so ugly". His best friend is this girl Lauren who recently has been treating him like crap. She uses him as like a combo big brother and shrink. He was really upset over something she did today and I told him I'll try never to be that high maintenance. He told me I'm hardly high maintenance but then again he's only getting to know me. Oh if he did know me. If he only knew about the manic depression and the self-hatred, the suicide attempts and the eating disorder, the history of verbal abuse and self-destructive behavior. If he only knew. He deserves better than me.
On the up side, the constant self hatred that's been berating me is making me eat less. I'm back down to 132. I've been getting a net of about 200 for the past 4 days, which is really good for me. I just need to keep it up so I can be 125 for prom in a month.
I missed you very much, and so has everyone else! You are NOT disgusting and loathsome, you are an amazing, kind, beautiful person inside AND out, and that is a FACT, you can't argue with facts! Connor loves you, all of you, and he's very lucky to be with a girl as gorgeous and sweet as you. Congrats on getting down to 132, I know you'll get even lower for prom! :) Stay beautiful, stay safe, love yourself, because you are very much loved by us all.
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ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this,not because it's anything I'd want for anyone but because I could relate.To read words that could be my own makes me feel a little less alone.
ReplyDeleteSome boys have this wonderful quality of seeing us the way we wish we were...you just have to give them a chance to prove it and really the only way to do that is to let them see all the pieces and form their own picture.It just takes trust,whether or not this boy deserves it is up to you.
I missed your posts more than you know. You're a lovely girl and I hate that you don't see that. Connor seems like a great guy, don't question the way he sees you, just roll with it. Congrats on the great intake though, you'll be at 125 in no time!
ReplyDeleteYes we miss you when you don't post for a while! Great job on your intake hun! You can definitely be 125 by prom :). Don't let those negative thoughts hinder the relationship/friendship you an Connor have. I bet you are a lovely , wonderful person and I know Connor can see that- I bet he likes you just the way you are and wouldn't change a thing. I realize we all see ourselves differently than other people see us, and that's what can make things more difficult. But maybe one day you'll be able to see yourself as the beautiful, amazing person that other people see you as! ♥
ReplyDeleteOh darling, I wish you could see how wonderful you are. It is hard, I know. People seldom see their own beauty. And that is perhaps one of the most beautiful things in the world - when there is someone by your side to help you discover it. Let Connor be there and let him care because whether you believe it or not, you deserve it.
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~ Meg