ho hum

I've eaten two, yes two, pints of blueberries in the past three days. but the good news is, that's just about all I've eaten. I've also had about 3 bites of pizza and some apple juice. Some how I've managed to just slip away at meal times and control myself when I'm alone with food.

but that good news aside, it's been a pretty crappy week.

I think I've gained about 10 pounds since the last time I weighed myself. But I can't be sure since the scale is broken. I need to get that fixed. And I just feel so bloated. yuck.

We had three choir concerts this week which means I had to wear my choir dress three nights in a row. It makes me look so fat and I hate it. So on the way home from the concert I had to pull over to let my tears out. I must have looked ridiculous to anyone who saw me, just sitting there crying my eyes out. Then I drove past a mcdonalds and binged on that. I had probably over 1000 calories of pure fat from that horrid restaurant. And then, for the first time, I puked it all up. I've never purged, and I hope I never do again. It was terrible. I drove the long way home, pulled over at a train station that's been closed for years, and puked and cried until I thought it was all out.

I think that's why I've been able to avoid food these past few days, my stomach still sort of aches from the purging. And my throat still hurts from where my finger nails scratched.

This morning I went to the local flea market and bought about $25 dollars worth of sunglasses, mascara, nail polish, hand bags, and jewelry. It's all so cheap! it's great. I just walked around in the hot sun and bartered with the chinese vendors for the knock-off designer items every girl loves. It was a great morning.

But now I'm lying on the floor typing this and hoping that my life is gonna get better. My friends don't get it, and I'm too afraid to talk to my boyfriend. I'm lonely and angry at myself.

Has anyone else felt like since they started losing control of their diets and going the un-safe route they feel stupider? I just feel like since I started restricting and dong the whole pro-ana thing my brain is full of air where I used to have intelligent opinions. My latest theory is that instead of focusing on scholarly things like I used to, all that brain power is being absorbed by calorie counts and consumed by self-hate. I wish I could be me again without having to stop losing weight.  why can't I be thin and smart?

I hope you all had a lovely week, at least a week better than mine. Sorry I haven't been commenting lately, I let blogging slip for a while.

love,

Jackie