an optimistic post

Over spring break I've been playing tetris on my dad's phone and watching crap tv shows. I haven't written my paper yet, I haven't gotten the tasks for the sorority done yet. I haven't seen any friends (not that I really wanted to) and I've eaten so much crap.

I missed my family and I missed my puppy. But that's about it. I was really enjoying my time at school this semester. I've been super busy, and I've been happy. Not every moment has been good, I have had some stress melt-downs and I've wished that I could just sleep for an entire day, but for the most part I'm really enjoying this semester. Coming home reminded me where I was last year. I was miserable, I hated myself, and everyone around me was helpless but to watch me tear myself apart.

For this week I feel like I'm back in that place. I'm sad and lonely and putting off the things I know I should be doing. It's weird to be blogging again after I stopped for those three weeks. I was so busy and so happy, I didn't want to drag myself down again.

(side note: I've come to acknowledge what this is for me. It's a place to encourage myself to become a less healthy version of myself. I used to think that talking about every dimension of my unhappiness would somehow make it go away. But really it's action that's gonna make me better, actively finding friends and being happy in who I am, even if I don't like the way I look. And this place is not a place of action, it is one of stillness where I let myself wallow in all the bad feelings.)

I am so different than who I was at the end of spring break. I found friends and confidence. I partied hard and worked harder- and I gained bragging rights in social, professional, and academic places.

This probably won't be my last post here, but it is one in which I mark a turning point. I'm done being pro-ana, pro-self destruction, and pro-self hatred. I may not like myself everyday, but I'm learning to love myself everyday. And there is a difference. I might look in the mirror and hate what I see, but that doesn't mean I'm going to hurt my mind and body in order to change into something else. I finish this journey of a culmination of a life time of self-hatred not much different then how I started in most respects. I am the same weight as when I began and still dislike myself just as much. But I am so different! I am able to tell the difference between poor body image and hating everything on the inside as well.

Okay. I know I'm just rambling. I get overly optimistic when I've been drinking (I just had a little drink to pick me up. lol, that's another change college has had on me.)