opinion of me

His fingers never stopped moving, making little circles on my wrist, my stomach, my thigh. When his hands fell onto the healing cuts on my legs, I shifted the blanket we were under so he couldn't see. I don't know what I'll say if anyone ever sees. The way the lines are parallel and so numerous, it's obviously no accidental scratch, or an unlucky fall. I'm scared of my cuts for exactly the reason I made them- all the hurt and self-hate are visible on my body now.

Nothing he said in conversation was very impressive. But his height is. 15 inches taller than me, it's fun to tilt my head back that far to kiss him, fun to see the way his hands are so much bigger than mine. And I find it delightful that his hands know what to do, know the spots to look for, just where I want to be touched or held. Do some boys just know this inherently, or is it something past girlfriends have taught them? If it's the latter, I'd like to say thank you to each of them.

In a few minutes I should start getting ready to go to work. I spend all my time there trying to impress the managers and the other floor staff. The other day I paid for a beer I ordered by mistake instead of having a manager cancel it. I don't have money to throw away like that, but I couldn't face the embarrassment. I want them to think I'm smart and capable, interesting and worth having around. So far I only feel like the ugly new girl who can't do anything right, too dumb to tie her shoes.