On my family vacation in Charleston, SC this week. I flew from Boston to Charleston on Tuesday and arrived here just in time for a pulled pork dinner. Everything here is junk food, but somehow everyone but me is skinny. Dad took our pictures on the beach last night, the whole white shirt and jean shorts thing. I'm editing them for him to give prints to the grandparents. I was in the middle of working on a group shot when just I had to stop because I was crying too much to focus. I'm so fat and ugly it's hard to even see anything else. I wish I could just stop eating and fix this so I could move on with my life but dieting is so hard. I'm eating around 1200 calories a day every day this week, walking a lot on the beach and swimming. I really hope I'm under 134 when I get back to Boston.
I hate my body and my skin and my face. Everything is so hideous. And the worst part is that I'm not even a nice person, I'm mean and gossipy and boastful and lazy and judgmental. I don't want to be this person anymore, I'd rather be dead than to keep being me.
Anyway, enough pity and tears. Today is my mother's birthday, she would have been 53. I wish she were here so I could ask her everything I've always wanted to know about her and hug her and make her a pretty pink birthday cake. She'll have been dead for 13 years on the 11th, I can't believe it's been so long. Everyone says I look like her, but I know they mean that I would look like her if only I were 25 pounds lighter. She was tiny and beautiful, I can only ever dream of being like her.
Sorry to hear about your mother, it's hard losing people so close to you, and wondering what days would be like with them still here. But sometimes it helps me to think about what they would've wanted for you (or me in my case). Sometimes it helps me to not be so sad, because I know they wouldn't want me to be that way.
ReplyDeleteHope you start feeling better <3
I'm sorry to hear about your mother. It's never easy losing a parent. I lost my father 18 years ago, just before my third birthday, and it's never stopped hurting. Sometimes I think everything would be okay if he hadn't died, like a 'sliding doors' effect, but I guess I'll never know.
ReplyDeleteIt makes me sad to read how much you hate yourself, but I can relate. I feel like nothing will ever be okay because, at the end of the day, I will always be me, and that can't be changed, if you know what I mean? And I wish you didn't feel that way because I know how painful and hopeless it can feel.
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. I hope you can manage to enjoy the rest of your vacation <3 xx