My 21st Birthday

Just returned from a trip to Martha's Vineyard with my friends. 3 of my roommates, 1 friend from school and 1 friend from work. Two of my roommates grew up on MV and we stayed at E's house with her lovely parents and brother. We had a really great time in that classic girly vacation kind of way. Singing Beyonce and J-Lo in E's Dad's huge truck, three in the front row, three in the back row. It was what I imagined having friends would be like when I was a kid.

Luckily I wasn't the fattest girl on the trip this time, only the second fattest. One of my friends, who I love more than words, has let herself balloon since last summer. She complains about it all the time but she eats so much food constantly and hates to exercise (hmmm... sounds a lot like me, except without the purging.) The great thing about being with people constantly is there's not much time to eat secretly. I ate too much for sure, but it was in more reasonable quantities than I usually eat. 1.5 cups of pasta instead of 4, 2 cookies instead of 10, etc.

Today my weight was 135.5, higher than I'd like but not outrageous. But it's a huge mark of failure this year. I swore to myself I'd be 121 by my 21st birthday, but that's tomorrow and I'm still 15 pounds away. All I care about is eating, where I can get my next food fix from. I plan in my head where I'll go and where I can purge. How much I can eat and where I can eat it without anyone seeing me. I wish more than anything that this could all stop. That I could just be normal and eat healthy and be the person I should be. But I can't. Because I'm hopeless. I have zero potential to be anything worthwhile at all.