I hate schoolwork. I have this pathological avoidance of it. Even if I like the assignment, I'll put it off and put it off until the due date passes, and then a week more, and then maybe I'll turn it in 3 weeks late or just quit the class. I hate this about myself. It's lazy and self-destructive and a complete waste of a valuable education. At present I'm only delinquent on 1 assignment, and I'm trying to convince myself it doesn't matter that much. But it does. I'm graduating in a few weeks and I need to just buck up and do the work.
Weight loss, same thing. I binge on bad foods, make constant poor decisions. I came home to find my skinny little sister even skinnier after an autumn of field hockey practice and a new diet. "I'm trying to be healthier" she told me in the American Eagle dressing room on Black Friday. I'm hovering somewhere around 140 pounds, meaning this autumn I gained around 10 pounds. Part of it is definitely that I stopped purging so much, part of it is that it's cold out and I don't walk and bike everywhere anymore. I really need to start a gym routine. (I say for the thousandth time)
Yesterday at the mall I saw my best friend from high school. If I weren't with my sister I might have just walked on by, never saying hello. But we did stop and pretend to exchange pleasantries. As we walked away from each other my eyes filled with tears and my stomach clenched with grief. I hurt her, back in 12th grade when I was blinded by my own raging pain and emotion and self-hate. But then I tried to make amends all summer, I reached out over and over again throughout college. She's polite, but makes it clear with her actions that she wants nothing to do with me. Last night when I got home I cut all our social media connections, seeing her pictures only makes me sad now.
My mood was lifted though, when we got to the movie theater and I stopped in at the bathroom. My period. Thank God. Three weeks ago the condom broke and I've been a ball of nervous tension ever since. I really need to go to the doctor and get on the pill or get an IUD or something. I never want to deal with this shit again. I texted L, who is now officially my boyfriend btw, and he was super relieved. I knew he was too afraid to ask about what was going on, but I wish he would have just let me know he was nervous, too. It would have made me feel a lot less alone.
Three weeks left and I'm no longer a college student. I can't wait to be free and yet I'm completely and utterly terrified. Nothing will change, and yet my whole identity will change. I won't be a "student" for the first time since I was 5 years old. It's time to finally figure out who I'm going to identify as for the next phase of my life.
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