Decide and let go

All through September I counted down to the break in the first week of October while simultaneously dreading it because I had no plans and no one to make plans with. I stressed a lot about it, having a little poor-me pity party over feeling alone and anchor-less. While telling my Dad about it on the phone today I started to cry. Today is monday, the first official day of the break, and I am home doing the same old stuff as always, totally wasting my vacation time.

So at noon I got off my hammock and opened my computer and started googling. Booked a flight to Medellin and texted a friend I know is close to there. I had so much adrenaline from my impulsive decision I started to shake (I shake in response to a lot of emotions lately) so much that I had to calm myself down alternating sets of squats and push-ups. My flight leaves tomorrow evening.

While I was planning all this (sort of, all I have is the flight still) the thought crossed my mind to stay to see Francisco. But then I reminded myself how stupid it would be to waste my vacation time on some boy I know is going to turn out being bad news. But still, after I bought the plane tickets I messaged him to say I was leaving. He said he would miss me, and did I have time to say goodbye today? I said yes.

So another sunset watched from las murallas, another twilight stroll along the narrow streets, another roll-around in motel sheets. But he confirmed to me all the bad news I was anticipating. "I lied to you about something," he said. My heart dropped. Turns out he isn't 25 after all, but turned 30 on June 3rd this year. 3 years older and 8 years older are two very different things. Then later he told me more truths, about the girl he's been seeing on and off for 3 years. "I don't love her, I never promised to love her forever," he said, "but I have fidelity to her. Or this is not the word... loyalty to her. As a person." She is coming to visit from her home in Australia in February and staying for two months.

I need to stop seeing him now. Just be strong and push his presence out of my life. But it's so hard to give up something that makes me so almost-happy. My days are so empty without love. To be alone is to be nothing. I am always yearning for that someone who I can pour myself into and who will pour himself into me. But I can never be first place in Francisco's heart, and he is not good enough for me. Charming and poetic and handsome and funny, but narcissistic and unmotivated and macho and a liar. If I let him stay, let the comfort of someone seduce me, I'm giving up the opportunity to have something real, the deep and loving relationship I want more than anything else.