Sunday, November 15, 2015

all-consuming

You know that feeling you get in your gut when you were feeling good and confident, or maybe just neutral, and then you suddenly remember how ugly and fat you are? For me it usually happens when I catch my reflection in a window or a mirror or someone else's sunglasses. I left the house feeling okay but then I see how I look to the rest of the world and my stomach starts to turn. 

It starts with just a single thought. fix your hair. And then another. stand up straighter. And another. wipe all that grease off your nose. And then everything seems to be wrong with me. stop smiling like an idiot. suck your stomach in. don't say anything stupid. The thoughts spiral out of control and I am berating myself. why did you eat all that shit? your thighs are twice the size of hers. your chins are showing. your arms are fat hams. bring make-up to reapply next time. My stomach starts to hurt. you should have lost the weight by now. you're just another ugly fat girl. I can feel myself withdrawing from the people around me. you're not that special. everyone else is prettier than you. at least she has nice clothes. I fight to pretend I'm fine when I just want to cry and beg someone to talk me back to a happy place. you're ruining your own night with negative thoughts. you're socially awkward. there's something wrong with you. don't be selfish. The hissing in my head is enough to make me cry.

I've been living with this horrible voice in my head for as long as I remember. If I could only lose more weight maybe it would be a little quieter. I'd still be ugly and awkward (and prone to self-hate) but at least there would be less validity to fatness that I feel.

Somewhere around 130 pounds right now, not totally sure. I need to get back into a restricting mindset, find some discipline, and make sure my accurate scale at home reads under 125 when I get back to the US for christmas. I want to know what it feels like to be thin and strong and know that I really am beautiful. There's no way I'm meant to be fat for my whole life. 
Posted by at

1 comment:

  1. cursum perficioNovember 16, 2015 at 6:09 AM

    I hate mirrors. I can't even stand my own reflection in a window.

    The only mirror I can use is the bathroom one over the sink, which doesn't show my body and the only reason I use it is to make sure I don't have anything stuck to my face and that my hair is okay (never good, though, never perfect). But I don't *look* at my face. I scan it, making sure that I don't see my fat cheeks or big nose or piggy eyes.

    It's over a month until Christmas, 5 pounds should be doable, right (that's what I hope for my own sake, too)?

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)