shopping

there is an outdoor market in my town that is simply enormous. it's 30 acres and full of stalls that sell sun glasses, bags, plants, food, jewelry, perfume, phone covers, and just about everything you can think of. I went in the early morning, the best time to go. It was still very crowded, and people were pushing each other to get by in some places. I had the weirdest feeling the whole time I was there, like all the words had been sucked out of me. vendors would ask me questions and I would only smile or shake my head. I managed to get through the morning with almost no speech. it felt liberating, but then also it felt foreign and cold.

before the market I did pilates and took a shower, but I forgot to eat breakfast. oops. the rest of the day I stayed around 1,000 calories, but I drank so much water that when my dinner was over I felt sick. I really shouldn't have finished all that zucchini.

while the american girls were winning the gold in gymnastics, I was shopping online. I got new letters (shirts with sorority letters on it) to wear in the fall. I think I picked out cute ones, it's a dark grey v-neck with light pink letters and champagne stitching. can't wait to wear them! I also ordered a navy peacoat and annother sorority themed tee shirt. I'm getting really excited for rush haha.

then I spent like an hour trying to decide on a pair of boots. here are the two I'm torn between these:

and these:

I like the laces, but I also love the floral and the color... such a tough decision.

help me pick?

crazy bike girl

I had ice cream for breakfast. that should give you an idea of how I ate today.

yesterday we went to the beach with my cousins. I swam most of the day and only ate half of every meal. but still this morning I woke up to a gain. I know you don't lose weight over night, but it's always disappointing to see the little needle go higher than you want it to.

so after the bad eating today, I did two hours biking. and tell me you, my thighs are hurting.

I need to fix my relationship with food.

day 14- UGW and why
my ugw is 113 because that's how much my sister weighs. I know it's dumb to have that as my goal, but she's the one who teases me most. it would be nice to be the same or less than her, especially since she's just a bit taller. plus, at that weight I think I'd be like a US size 4. and wouldn't that be a dream come true.

day 15- vegan or vegetarian?
nope. I could never be vegan, I like my dairy and eggs too much for that. I could be vegetarian except for chicken and seafood. I don't eat red meat almost ever. it's mainly turkey, chicken, fish, and shrimp around here.

faster computer!

my dad fixed up my computer so now I can (gasp!) actually watch a youtube video without restarting the computer just after. yay! bring on the larger screen pilates!

kind of failing on diet this whole week which is really bumming me out. I really just can't help messing up at least once a day. today it was twice- chips with my brother's girlfriend and ice cream after dinner. ugh. I need to get my will power back. they say once you do it for 21 days it gets to be super easy. I hope I can last that long on anything.

"is it raining in there? it's raining out here, too."

we've had the most spectacular thunderstorms the past few days. the lightning cracks brighter and the thunder louder than I ever remember. maybe there is some weight to that global climate shift thing.

I really hope it doesn't rain tomorrow, we're going to the shore! I haven't been down in so long and I miss it. I love to swim and I love the sand. really nothing much better.

olympic carb-o-load

oops... had a half the bread in the house.

bright side is I mowed the lawn in the 95 degree weather. so that has to be a few calories right?

I was so happy to finally watch the opening of the olympics in London. I LOVE the Olympics, so I had a countdown going for a while now. the only downside was that I had to watch with my dad who finds it fun to make fun of everything. he makes dumb comments trying to be funny but I find it really annoying. like he says, I'm a professional eye roller when it comes to him.

but I'm really glad he's my dad. he's a patient guy who tries really hard to be fair and kind. I was reading my mother's journal to us and it was really sad. you watch as her handwriting becomes progressively shakier and she becomes less and less focused on what to say. I cried when she wrote that she prayed she'd make it to the next Thanksgiving, but I know from this side of history that she wouldn't.

in the journal she called me beautiful. "petite and feminine" were words she also used. I wish I could live up to her expectations.

day 13-
are you losing weight in a healthy way?
I think so. I try to keep my calories really low, which isn't necessarily healthy. but I do pay attention to which nutrients I eat and I try to exercise as much as I can. unfortunately I have a binge problem, so I end up taking laxies, which I know are terrible for your entire system.

ocean breeze

it's thundering right now. which is sort of a good thing because that means the heat has gone down considerably. but it's a bad thing because my bike is made of metal and I can't go on my regular evening ride. the only exercise I got today was walking around town in the 100+ degree weather. talk about sweating!

also, I ate some skittles today, a total fail on my ban on candy and sweets. good thing is I've successfully skipped family dinner two nights in a row now. it all comes down to good luck, but I'm not going to pretend not to be proud of myself.

I bought a tee shirt for my pen pal today, it's her birthday. I got a size large because those shirts run small, I just hope I don't offend her. I also picked up a bunch of post cards from my hometown to send to my school friends. I never realized how awkward it is to buy post cards from a place you live instead of one you are only visiting.

still haven't been to the beach. boo.

day 12-

what do you normally eat?

fruit and eggs in the morning

yogurt and wheat germ for lunch

meat, veggies, and some carb for dinner

fruit pop or fudgsicle for dessert
and probably some cheat somewhere during the day because I suck at self-control.

ps- 100 followers!! you guys rock :)

waiting for the city

Some sort of solution to my employment problem- I've started writing content for my father's website. He's offered me pay for each post I write, and says that he'd rather pay me than do it himself. I think he just feels bad for me. Besides, I need this website to put on my resume. My dream job is something like blogging for a radio show or NPR. lol. I'm such a nerd.

I ate a lot better today and went on a long bike ride. I hate feeling like I did after that super terrible binge on monday.

Oh guess what! The Olympics are on Friday! I cannot wait! Plus I'm planning on some olympic themed workouts :) oh no... my dork is showing again.

okay, enough

I ate SO MUCH yesterday. I literally laid in my bed with my bloated aching stomach and passed out as soon as I came home from my friend's house.

I went to go see her because she just had a breast reduction and her boy friend just broke up with her. so, really tough week. but then, as usual, I managed to fuck up. I had a fucking cream based potato soup and ice cream at her house. then on the way home I was so stressed from driving on the God damned turn pike with construction and poring rain that I stopped in at a wendy's to pee and get iced tea. then on a whim I also got a chicken caesar wrap. I am so stupid! do you know how many calories all of that food is? 1,246. that's how many. and I didn't even to get any more exercise besides my morning bike ride.

so feeling terrible I drank a glass of water and swallowed three laxies. I'm planning on doing 1 hour of pilates and 1 hour of biking hills today. I just cannot mess up like that again.

anyway.

I want to get an internship this fall. I don't feel like doing a pointless job again, I want real experience doing actual real world things. So I'm trying to invest a lot of energy into finding a paid internship that is somewhat related to my school work. If I actually knew what that would end up being, it would be a big help. See, I used to be a journalism major. but I'm not curious or brave enough to be a journalist, so I'm planning on switching to marketing communications. we'll see if that will work out at all.

my dream for when I finish college is changing slightly. I want to be involved in audio production somehow, like NPR or PRI or something. but I don't know how or doing what. I also have a vague fantasy of starting my own little shop. I'd sell something cute like jewelry or fabric or paper or something. I'm not really sure. All I know is that I'm not the type of person who lives to work. I like to have time to myself as well.

day 9- do people make negative comments about your weight?
my sister always makes fun of me being fat. but other than that, most people are just really polite. more than anything else, I'm doing this so I don't have to call myself fat anymore.

day 10- what have you given up to lose weight?
I really miss bagels. I don't know why I love them so much, but there is nothing I crave more than a warm jewish bagel with philadelphia cream cheese. mmmm