a little ramble

133 this morning, or at least I think so. The scale in this house looks so old and unreliable. Plus, it's in kilos so I have to do a conversion and this makes the results seem less real somehow. Like if it's kilos it somehow doesn't count.

My weight was pushing 150 when I left the states two months ago, this is the easiest and maybe the fastest I've ever gone between my two normal weight extremes, 150 and 130. I'm always bouncing back and forth between this twenty pound range in my periods of dieting and binging. In Colombia I eat high fat foods and so much starch, but I'm losing still. typical day:
b: cafe con leche and some sort of cracker or cookie-type thing
l: fried or ground beef or pork, white rice, lettuce and tomato salad, fried plantains, and juice
d: fried plantains or fried dough called "arepa"(which I usually purge)

I don't usually snack, but when I do it's usually popcorn or crackers, more plantains, chocolate, fruit, or baked goods if we have them. There's not a ton of veggies in my diet, but there is a ton of fresh fruit and I take a daily multivitamin.

This is a complete 180 from the rest of my life's eating habits. Since I was about 8 I've been a total emotional binge eater. I started dieting when I started getting fat in elementary school, simple things like skipping meals or desserts, which then always backfired and triggered a binge. The cycles got more intense in high school when I got better at fasting and dieting, and better at finding and hiding binge foods. I used to steal foods from the cupboards in my house and go to the store with my little saved money and then go find a safe private area to eat as much as I could as fast as I could. Needless to say, I was a very fat and ugly child/teen. I lost weight and felt better for the first time when I joined the track team in 9th grade, but I always put the weight back on in the off season. I lost weight effectively again when I was home from college for the summer. But when I started to gain again back at school, I taught myself to purge and wandered into the world of bulimia.

I feel better bulimic than I did as a just a simple binge eater. At least it's a tiny bit more glamourous and a lot less shameful. It's disgusting and terrible yes, but the cliche is true, I feel so much more powerful when I can get rid of the food I don't want inside me anymore. And I felt special and important when I started going to outpatient eating disorders treatment for about a month. The actual therapy was shit, but I felt vindicated by it. Like my problem was more real than just something in my head.