Tear Stained

Remember the first day of this blog? How I said I didn't cry anymore? And then I did? I feel that way again, and for some reason I hope that after I post this I can find it in me to cry my eyes out.

I think worse than feeling bad is knowing you have all the strength to get over it but you just can't. And knowing it's just an old issue of growing thicker skin and dealing. I jump to conclusions and act like a brat. I put on an air of false confidence but just a layer beneath is a shaking pale girl frightened to death of taking a step, fearful that it will be in the wrong direction. I take everything too seriously and think selfishly that it all has to do with me.

On that note- P won't call me back or answer my emails. When I finally got a hold of him on facebook He told me that he'd call me that night. In a classically sad fashion I sat staring at the phone begging it to ring for hours but it never did. Then on facebook today (isn't it tragic how much that dumb website impacts my life?) he told S that they needed to do a skype date tonight. The conversation included a bit about her being his little sister. I really wish I could cry because in this instance I think it would help quite a bit.

Normally I call until they answer and try beyond hope to get them to notice me and want me. That's my M.O. But you can't force someone to love you. 569 and 10 money can't buy you back the love you had then.

(And I ramble on...) but I guess the part that hurts most is that he said always and forever. He told me he loved me. And I loved him for real. Time is supposed to heal all wounds but I know that isn't true. Sometimes I feel with fresh hurt the emptiness of being without my mother. That's been nine years and I still feel it. I wasn't supposed to be wounded by him anyway. He was my person, my support. I could call him in the middle of the night when E had said something particularly nasty. But now he doesn't want me anymore.

I'm over reacting. I know. But whatever. Fuck controlling your emotions. That's not who I am. If I do the whole waiting to see how things turn out and not jumping to conclusions thing I end up assuming it's my fault and swallowing too many asprin. I'm glad I have you, dear universe, because I feel like a total asshole when I tell other people about this. Self centered and over dramatic. Only trouble is, the universe never has a comforting arm to put around me and tell me in the calmest voice that "it's okay".

Happy Birthday

Seventeen. There's something magical about it. Life is starting and from this vantage point it looks like one day I'll own the world. I'll see everywhere, meet everyone and experience everything. When you're seventeen you are beautiful and ambitious and love life. I just hope my seventeen is everything the girls on the cover of that magazine have and more.

I feel so good. So loved. My darling friends threw me a surprise party! It was so perfect and I had absolutely no idea it was coming. I know it's horrible that it took something so classic and huge to show me how much my friends love me, but I was so reminded of that love yesterday. I can see now that I don't have to let them go to find new friends and new experiences. I can love them and keep my old life, I just have to balance the old with the new. No more clicky eighth grade mentality for me. I'm seventeen! I can do anything I set my mind to.

Today I filled out college applications and I'm in the process of finishing my summer reading. The reality of senior year seems to have come with my Here-I-Come-World mentality. In a year I will have moved into a college dorm and will be adjusting to a whole new life. And I'll be an adult! I can't wait for the new adventures and possibilities. At the same time though, it's a wee bit frightening and sad to leave behind my little safe hometown. This is senior year, a drawn out goodbye, one last childhood hoorah before we part ways to the sparkling futures that await us.

Dancing With Myself

I got a whole bunch of new underwear at target yesterday. I have no idea why I'm so excited about this but I really am. I got all these cool patterns, like this one pair with elephants all over them. so cute. I was watching america's next top model cycle 13, which was the petite model cycle, and I was so inspired I tried on all my new underwear. It was so fun. I just danced around and modeled for the mirror. Then I curled my hair and did my make up. I wish I could put on that much make up in real life. I have these really long eyelashes and when I put on a lot of mascara it looks like I have fake lashes on. That's one of the things I like about my appearance.

But I have to get some of this homework done. I have like zero motivation so it takes me five years to get one chapter done. It's horrible. ughhh... how much trouble would I get in if i just didn't do it? hmmm... tempting...

Jersey Shore

Ocean City 2010! I visited with Jen's family in Ventnor, something i do almost every year. Jen and I jumped off the roof of the house into the bay to swim. We played monopoly too, which was really great because I won in record time. Uncle Scott started calling me Mr. Potter which I thought was really funny. Then I was dropped off at Ocean City where my family was with the other family we hang out with.

My Aunt Sandy's brother John is here and he is such an annoying politician type. He's sleazy. He talks about all the things he's done and the women he's been with and it's so obnoxious. He, like his sister, goes on for fifteen minutes on how they hate fat people and he mentions Obama health care at least once a conversation. And when the flood in Pakistan came up in conversation he said: "I think it's great. You know why? Pakistan is full of Muslim extremist weirdo's. They deserve to die. you know why? when the Brits divided India they sent all the Muslims to Pakistan and the Hindu's to India. Smart move I think, cause now we got rid of a whole bunch in one foul swoop with this flood." What a dirt bag. and his plan for criminal justice? Just lock all criminals in cells and give them the supplies they need for suicide and they'll eventually just off themselves. it's less expensive! I have to try so hard not to say something and fight back. He's the type where it doesn't matter what I say he'll always talk right out of it and do his best to make me look like an idiot. I just feel bad for his one and half year old who has to live with him. John's getting a divorce and I can see why if this lady has any sense at all. But the beach is nice as long as I keep my mouth shut and my ipod charged.

Yesterday I went for a 40 block beach walk with my exercise crazy aunt. I felt great afterwards, but on the way back me and my cousin were just walking together and this huge family of about 60 people were lining up for a picture. The crazy uncle (there's one in every family) called out to me to take the picture. I obliged and he had me take like 10 pictures. then he ran up and told me and my cousin to get in. He got us to lay out in front. Haha one day they'll look back and be like "who are those people?" Anna and I were so scared, but he was really pushy. then they invited us to come up and have some food and the crazy uncle offered me a beer. luckily by that point my aunt showed up and told them we were underage and we went back home.

Ahhh the jersey shore, what a place.

Out There in the Univers(e)(ity)

College visits college visits. why oh why oh why? I have driven close to a thousand miles in the past days with only my dad to see 3 colleges. And they weren't even all good. I saw Western New England College, Castleton State College in Vermont, and *sigh* Emerson College. I suppose the whole trip was worth it just to see Emerson because it was completely wonderful in so many ways. It has the best college radio station in the country and it is the heart of Boston. I loooove it. And it is so pretty, like soooo pretty. On the inside it is modern and awesome and a million miles better than any other school I visited, and on the outside it's historic and beautiful. But is the urban life too much for you? then take a stroll in the Boston Common, conveniently located just across the street. The view is fantastic and the feel is amazing. I love this school. love it.

But other than Emerson the colleges were bad. They both were far from everything and felt like just a 13th grade that happened to be sleep away. definitely not for me. the whole trip was bad too. We went to six flags in Springfield Mass and I felt like always do in those parks, like a disgusting fat ugly monster. Being there makes everyone look low class and trashy and makes you feel sick. I hate those theme parks. the part I like is the roller coasters, but those alone aren't a reason to go for me. yuck yuck yuck. my thoughts through the whole trip were that reflective surfaces should be made illegal because I hate looking at my self. I'd rather just pretend to be pretty and small and not squat and gross.

Waiting

Matt comes home tomorrow from the Middle East. Kimmi is off the wall excited and I'm happy for her too. But hearing what he says and thinking of how great they are for each other makes me really jealous and sad for myself. I want to have some one who I love like that. I know what I have to do about Vishwa now, I think it has to end. I'm not happy waiting up for him all the time. Even though it's great when he is around, the point is that he never is. I'm always waiting up for his calls and then finding that my phone is never going to ring, he's never going to text back. I know he doesn't do this on purpose, but it's still killing me. But classically, I'll change my mind on this in a few hours.

Louis MacNeice

The Sunlight in the Garden
by Louis MacNeice (1907-1963)(Belfast, Ireland)

The sunlight on the garden
Hardens and grows cold,
We cannot cage the minute
Within its nets of gold
When all is told
We cannot beg for pardon.

Our freedom as free lances
Advances towards its end;
The earth compels, upon it
Sonnets and birds descend;
And soon, my friend,
We shall have no time for dances.

The sky was good for flying
Defying the church bells
And every evil iron
Siren and what it tells:
The earth compels,
We are dying, Egypt, dying

And not expecting pardon,
Hardened in heart anew,
But glad to have sat under
Thunder and rain with you,
And grateful too
For sunlight on the garden.

I love the last stanza even though I can't really relate to it. Not yet anyway. In the third stanza I think the church bell defying is something about death. I have not an inkiling as to why Egypt is thrown in there but I love it. For some reason even though I don't know what it actually means, calling out to Egypt really resonates with me and makes perfect sense. the whole end of life/ twilight of life thing is really sad, but more in a melancholy way than morose.

dead poets... almost as good as all those dead freedom fighters we learn about, except the poets are less understood. and less famous.


I've made a new day's resolution a few days ago. I'm recovering, not getting worse. Every time I start feeling sorry for myself I remind myself that I am moving forward not looking back. I'm going to smell flowers and bake cupcakes and write short stories and conquer the world. I'm going to do things I feel proud of and love doing.



On the path of my conquering mindset I started my summer homework and baked cupcakes from scratch yesterday. They are really super cute. And I read a whole bunch of MacNeice's work online. I love him (as demonstrated above). I also plan on finding some stories for my budding radio career. I'm going to make my dreams come true all on my own and I'm going to be happy today as I set off towards my beautiful twilight.