all I seem to be doing is moving crap from one place to another. I like to be clean, but let's get real. bleh
but at least I conquered food today. no binge, no problem. also, did yoga during project runway. I don't normally do yoga, so I did an easy and repetitive routine. I think my legs already feel a little bit more flexible.
Tomorrow I want to do weights and a short run. and hopefully more job apps. HATE doing that. It's so degrading (maybe not everyone feels this way, but I feel that way.)
Get some sleep tonight, beautiful girls.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
lack luster
I binged again when I swore I wouldn't. I ate all the fudge out of the ice cream, which is going to make the next person who wants ice cream real angry.
and for breakfast? we went to a place called piggy's. yeah. piggy's. meaning nothing healthy on the menu. I had eggs and toast, but fell to the seduction of the home fries and the fresh warm mini blueberry muffins. oh, it was so good! but I felt so bad afterwards.
in typical jackie fashion, I've done nothing to fix breakfast or the binge. after driving home in traffic, I've been reading magazines and surfing the internet all afternoon. I plan on biking later, when it's cool. and then probably some pilates videos after that. sigh. I am not in the mood for exercise.
I need some inspiration.
oh, and I'd feel bad if I left out that it's my mum's 51st birthday. I bet she'd want me to leave out the 51 part. she'd say something like "anniversary of my 39th." Happy Birthday, Mom.
and for breakfast? we went to a place called piggy's. yeah. piggy's. meaning nothing healthy on the menu. I had eggs and toast, but fell to the seduction of the home fries and the fresh warm mini blueberry muffins. oh, it was so good! but I felt so bad afterwards.
in typical jackie fashion, I've done nothing to fix breakfast or the binge. after driving home in traffic, I've been reading magazines and surfing the internet all afternoon. I plan on biking later, when it's cool. and then probably some pilates videos after that. sigh. I am not in the mood for exercise.
I need some inspiration.
oh, and I'd feel bad if I left out that it's my mum's 51st birthday. I bet she'd want me to leave out the 51 part. she'd say something like "anniversary of my 39th." Happy Birthday, Mom.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
and I hate my thighs
I ate like crap today and basically lay around the mountain house with a huge headache. why can't watching tv burn calories?
ps- I'm stealing the scale so I can have two for home. hehe :)
ps- I'm stealing the scale so I can have two for home. hehe :)
Monday, August 6, 2012
boo, you whore
eh heh eh heh... I'm sick.
total headache nightmare and an ugly rasping cough. gross.
and because I am very stupid, I biked hills in the glaring sun for almost an hour. when I came home I had to take painkillers and lie down for a while. and then I ruined my hard work by eating left over movie theater popcorn. yuck.
we had seen the movie total recall last night, and it was weird. if you like action-y mind fuck-y things, you'd like it, but it was not for me. and I had popcorn. mistake mistake mistake!
total headache nightmare and an ugly rasping cough. gross.
and because I am very stupid, I biked hills in the glaring sun for almost an hour. when I came home I had to take painkillers and lie down for a while. and then I ruined my hard work by eating left over movie theater popcorn. yuck.
we had seen the movie total recall last night, and it was weird. if you like action-y mind fuck-y things, you'd like it, but it was not for me. and I had popcorn. mistake mistake mistake!
Sunday, August 5, 2012
august 4
went to the beach with my friends yesterday. it was nice to act like a normal teenager for a little while.
b- eggs, granola, grapefruit juice
l- half a chicken salad sandwich
s- fiber bar
d- half a caesar wrap
s- vodka, cranberry juice, ice tea, rum
so, as you can see, most of my calories were alcohol. which is just dumb, I really shouldn't have drunk anything. I should have just gone home and slept off my sunburn.
something weird but kind of wonderful has been happening lately. I eat like half a portion and then I feel uncomfortably full. I had to take two laxies yesterday after only half my dinner. I knew it wasn't a ton of food, but I just felt so full I had to take some.
I have two internship offers for the fall, which is nice. I don't know which one I'd like to take. but it feels good to have an option. I'd also really like to have a side job, where I can go and not eat and make money. the roots of my problem lie in having too much time to eat, I think.
day 18- weakness food
I have like a zillion. chips, ice cream, chocolate, cream cheese, granola bars, popcorn, fries, fried chicken, pretzels, crackers, pizza, peanut butter, pasta, cream sauce, fried shrimp, gummy bears, and probably a bunch of other things. I have a problem of loving junk food far too much.
day 19- last time you ate fast food
last week, when my dad brought home chick-fil-a when it was becoming a scandal. he was being a dumb ass but I should have controlled myself more. I had one of the chicken strips, which is 125 calories and a million grams of fat.
b- eggs, granola, grapefruit juice
l- half a chicken salad sandwich
s- fiber bar
d- half a caesar wrap
s- vodka, cranberry juice, ice tea, rum
so, as you can see, most of my calories were alcohol. which is just dumb, I really shouldn't have drunk anything. I should have just gone home and slept off my sunburn.
something weird but kind of wonderful has been happening lately. I eat like half a portion and then I feel uncomfortably full. I had to take two laxies yesterday after only half my dinner. I knew it wasn't a ton of food, but I just felt so full I had to take some.
I have two internship offers for the fall, which is nice. I don't know which one I'd like to take. but it feels good to have an option. I'd also really like to have a side job, where I can go and not eat and make money. the roots of my problem lie in having too much time to eat, I think.
day 18- weakness food
I have like a zillion. chips, ice cream, chocolate, cream cheese, granola bars, popcorn, fries, fried chicken, pretzels, crackers, pizza, peanut butter, pasta, cream sauce, fried shrimp, gummy bears, and probably a bunch of other things. I have a problem of loving junk food far too much.
day 19- last time you ate fast food
last week, when my dad brought home chick-fil-a when it was becoming a scandal. he was being a dumb ass but I should have controlled myself more. I had one of the chicken strips, which is 125 calories and a million grams of fat.
Friday, August 3, 2012
switcheroo
I told myself I wouldn't get a haircut until I was comfortably under 150. I scheduled the haircut for next saturday, the 11th. I'm still bouncing between 151 and 153, but if I commit myself to the week I think I can do this. If I don't get it done, I'll just do 2 hours pilates on the day of the haircut. sounds like a fair deal to me.
I spent the day reorganizing and packing up my stuff. I'm switching rooms with my sister this week, something I'm not excited for. we moved into this house when I was 4, and my mom picked out the room for me. she painted it periwinkle and picked out pretty white furniture for me. (you know, besides being fat, I think I turned out just the way she wanted me to, girly and feminine with classic sense of style. she was too loud and too strong willed to be the polite, quiet, ladylike woman she wanted to be, and I think she was hoping I'd grow up to be like her vision. I fit that, mostly.) then I carefully picked out decorations, creating my oasis where I spend a great deal of time. I painted it a darker, but still pretty, purple when I felt I had grown out of the periwinkle at 16.
my sister wants my room because it is bigger and there is a built in desk (that my father did for my 12th birthday.) she's been asking me since last summer, her argument that I'm away at college so she deserves my room. but I am home for about 5 1/2 months of the year, and besides, it is my room. but I feel bad that she's been wanting it for so long, and I feel like it's the right thing to do, even if I'm not emotionally okay with it. my father doesn't want me to, saying that I'll regret giving away my room. I think he just doesn't want to help us move all the furniture.
day 16- when did you decide to lose weight?
haha I have no idea. maybe since I first noticed I was fat, which was maybe around the time I was nine. I only started dieting and all that since I was around 13. this time round though, I recommitted to looking passably small in mid july.
day 17- do you have an eating disorder?
no, I don't think so. but I do have a very emotional relationship with food which I wish I could change.
I spent the day reorganizing and packing up my stuff. I'm switching rooms with my sister this week, something I'm not excited for. we moved into this house when I was 4, and my mom picked out the room for me. she painted it periwinkle and picked out pretty white furniture for me. (you know, besides being fat, I think I turned out just the way she wanted me to, girly and feminine with classic sense of style. she was too loud and too strong willed to be the polite, quiet, ladylike woman she wanted to be, and I think she was hoping I'd grow up to be like her vision. I fit that, mostly.) then I carefully picked out decorations, creating my oasis where I spend a great deal of time. I painted it a darker, but still pretty, purple when I felt I had grown out of the periwinkle at 16.
my sister wants my room because it is bigger and there is a built in desk (that my father did for my 12th birthday.) she's been asking me since last summer, her argument that I'm away at college so she deserves my room. but I am home for about 5 1/2 months of the year, and besides, it is my room. but I feel bad that she's been wanting it for so long, and I feel like it's the right thing to do, even if I'm not emotionally okay with it. my father doesn't want me to, saying that I'll regret giving away my room. I think he just doesn't want to help us move all the furniture.
day 16- when did you decide to lose weight?
haha I have no idea. maybe since I first noticed I was fat, which was maybe around the time I was nine. I only started dieting and all that since I was around 13. this time round though, I recommitted to looking passably small in mid july.
day 17- do you have an eating disorder?
no, I don't think so. but I do have a very emotional relationship with food which I wish I could change.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
passport and panic
say it with me... August will be my month.
I went to get my passport today and then to go grocery shopping. the lady was totally mean to me, treated me like a complete idiot. I hate that type of person.
after checking the state of my finances on my phone, I decided I couldn't afford the groceries. I started sobbing and tail-spinning, getting more and more upset. I drove straight home and drank like a gallon of water to calm down.
then I called my university to talk about switching majors. journalism scares me, so I'm switching to marketing. they basically told me it's hopeless and I tried really hard to make it sound like I wasn't crying. I don't think I fooled anyone.
I cried for a long time and my dad made me a turkey burger. (I'm kind of obsessed with them lately...)
the one thing I can say I'm proud of today (cause let's face it, I was a mess. and I didn't even eat well.) is that I made a gigantic list of all the restaurants and shops I could think of in Boston with their phone numbers. tomorrow I plan on calling until I find a job. I need a job. I don't think I can feel okay about myself until I do.
also- if you're a blogilates fan, go print out the august workout plan! it's real cute and organized.
peace.
I went to get my passport today and then to go grocery shopping. the lady was totally mean to me, treated me like a complete idiot. I hate that type of person.
after checking the state of my finances on my phone, I decided I couldn't afford the groceries. I started sobbing and tail-spinning, getting more and more upset. I drove straight home and drank like a gallon of water to calm down.
then I called my university to talk about switching majors. journalism scares me, so I'm switching to marketing. they basically told me it's hopeless and I tried really hard to make it sound like I wasn't crying. I don't think I fooled anyone.
I cried for a long time and my dad made me a turkey burger. (I'm kind of obsessed with them lately...)
the one thing I can say I'm proud of today (cause let's face it, I was a mess. and I didn't even eat well.) is that I made a gigantic list of all the restaurants and shops I could think of in Boston with their phone numbers. tomorrow I plan on calling until I find a job. I need a job. I don't think I can feel okay about myself until I do.
also- if you're a blogilates fan, go print out the august workout plan! it's real cute and organized.
peace.
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