in the sky

I got a job waitressing and I suck at it, but it doesn't even matter. Sadly I'm the best they got.

I work 10 to 13 hour shifts running around and up and down stair and carrying heavy trays. It's so great, an all day workout. And I never eat at work, so I'm only eating breakfast and maybe a small snack. I've already lost 4 pounds this week. (something that's not likely to ever happen again.)

Maybe if I keep going, and step up my workouts and eat healthier, I can actually get my goal this summer. Perhaps it was all the extra time that was killing me.

home for summer

I'm on a quasi-health kick right now. As in, I make mostly good choices and workout, but I'm still slipping up regularly. I think the key is to abstain from junk for at least 3 days, and then I won't even crave it anymore. Also, I've some up with some random rules to eliminate bad things:
-nothing that comes from corn (corn, chips, popcorn, corn syrup, etc.)
-nothing that comes from potatoes (chips, fries, etc.) (exception is baked potato with salt and no butter)
-no food after 8pm
-no lemonade or sweet tea (unless it's zero calorie)

but really, those aren't difficult rules. I'm still eating carbs in bread and pasta and rice, but I think potatoes and corn will cut out a lot of oil and fat and whatever.

I had this wild fantasy this morning when I weighed myself and was a pound less than yesterday. I thought that maybe I could keep losing this fast and by the end of summer I'd be like 120 pounds. Or maybe 115... or 108. doesn't 108 sound lovely? I'd probably be like a size 2 if I weighed that much. But why stop there? an underweight BMI is 98 pounds for me. I could go from slightly over to slight under weight in just one summer. How fabulous and dramatic would that be?

But goodness knows that will never happen. In all likely hood I'll end up weighing like 125 if I really work at it, but if I slack or get distracted who knows. I just am really hoping that I show up to school in the fall skinny enough to not look embarrassing in a tight biddie skirt or a skimpy halloween costume.

Meanwhile I'm looking for a job, really anything will do. I just need to make some money and occupy my time in a positive way. Last summer I basically just devoted myself to watching gossip girl and grey's anatomy and reading endless novels on the hammock. How depressing.

Snoozing in Greece

I came to Greece with two friends, both of whom I had never met before coming to Europe. We are staying on the island of Crete, in the town of Chania.

We have been joking all weekend that the three of us are the sisterhood of the traveling pants. I think I should be America Ferrara because I'm the fattest, but I ended up being Tibby. (lol) we still haven't actually bought the pants, but I'm sure we're going to find them.

In Greece, they give you free alcohol and dessert with every meal (calorie bomb) so we've just been getting drunk the whole time we've been here. Last night we went "clubbing" in the approximately 5 bars and clubs that are open in the off-season. We made friends with one of the club promoters, he was from close to where I live in the US. Long story short, I ended up not paying for anything last night, including the hotel room the promoter got for us.

He called me sexy, and I was so drunk I almost felt confident naked. He was so jacked and gorgeous with this deep tan skin. I have no idea if he has a girlfriend or anything, or how often he does that sort of thing. But whatever. Insecurities aside, it was a good night to be young and on vacation in a warm place.

One night stands are already getting old and I'm only 19. I want a healthy relationship so badly, but I can't imagine that ever happening for me. All I do is sleep around and feel like shit. I'm so insecure that anyone could really have me, isn't that the definition of pathetic?

Also on this trip I wore my very first bikini on Saturday. It is a black bottom and a pink polka dot bandeau on top. I like it, and I'm glad these are the people I'm with for this experience. I don't know if I'll wear it in the states, but at least I own one now.

fleeting

sometimes I feel like I'm beautiful. I walk around feeling like hot stuff, and I believe that I am catching everyone in the room under my charms. But quickly this feeling goes away when I remind myself how overweight I am and how much prettier every other girl in the room is.

Paris made me beautiful

Hi guys, sorry I forgot about you.

Well, that's not completely true of course. I am constantly thinking of things I'd like to write here, but I can never hold onto them long enough to actually put up a post. It's like by the time my I have enough time and my computer has been turned on, it's a lot easier to just not write, and not think, just look and absorb the social hurricane that is facebook and tumblr and every other site that consumes my interests.

I'm getting an internship in social media and marketing, isn't that productive? I didn't really ever want to go into that, but it's exciting to think about. I'm just not sure it's what I should be focusing my energies on right now. But I really don't know what I should be focusing my energies on. I mean, I'm only 19. Why do I have to make any type of decision right now?

(the thought of growing up and having responsibilities makes me shudder and start to cry)

Anyway. I'd like to mention Avy, who left a comment and reminded me that I haven't said anything here in a long time. Thanks girl, I actually got really excited when I saw the ping, cause I adore your blog. I know I tell you this all the time, but someone should make your blog into a book or something.

That's me in Sainte Chapelle, a church for the French royalty that made me cry when I first walked in. I think it's a pretty accurate depiction of how I feel about Paris.

So many things happened this weekend, it's almost difficult to describe. I went to palm sunday service in the Notre Dame and went thrift shopping for fur hats. I was briefly a part of an anti-gay marriage protest (I'm pro gay marriage btw) and got tear gassed. I saw the arc de triomphe at sunrise and smoked weed with parisian ballerinas. No, but seriously, it was amazing.

The whole weekend, 3 days, I think I only ate a total of 1500 calories, and most of them were wine and rum. One of my travel companions spent the whole weekend flirting with me, I think just for his own enjoyment of watching me react. But it's always fun to be the object of playful affection. And then I had two different random French people call me beautiful. I think it's just something they do, but it made me feel wonderful anyway.

I think I've gained a little weight since being in Europe, and I blame that mostly on how much weed I smoke (and the feeling of needing to eat chocolate spread straight from the jar after I smoke.) But I love smoking with my friends here, it feels like our thing to do together, and it makes me see things here differently.

dumb dumb dumb

OH MY EFFING GOD

I can't handle my roommates anymore. they're seriously acting like they're in eighth grade. "oh my god he totally likes me." "eww. we're over!" yeah. I'm like done.

and the worst part is that I'm starting to act like them, too. WHAT THE HELL?

I hope you're reading this post in a valley girl voice in your head, by the way. because the issues in my head are so trivial, but they are consuming me. seriously. it's bad.

in short, there are boys who live next door who are extremely dumb, but that's besides the point. what is the point is that both my roommates are hooking up with them. and complaining to me and each other about all the surrounding drama. plus the other guys who live in another building. the whole thing is really dumb and should blow over in approximately 2 point 5 seconds.

also, since this blog is supposed to be my place to talk about how fat I am, I'm really fat. like really fat. all the weight I lost in the first two weeks is back, plus more. I'm enormous and it grosses me out.

I need to start doing abs workouts or something. plus cutting out like every possible carb. and there are a lot of those, it's really bad over on this side of the Atlantic.

also I'm writing this while tipsy. oops. (whatever...)

xx jax

Last Night

I feel like I've only been writing here when I've been throwing up or taking laxies or really sad or hooked up with a guy. Totally not what my life is about, but that's the way it looks here.

That being said, I'm writing about another boy.

Last night I hooked up with a guy who has a crush on my roommate. I went to his room to hang out and drink, but we ended up just hooking up. And he's roommates with my best friend's boyfriend. So we were all four in that room just hooking up. I guess we took best friends to a whole new level. It's actually weirdly comforting to have some other couple in the room.

The guy was actually really refreshing. He was super in control, unlike most guys I've slept with. He decided what was happening when, and was trying to give me what I wanted at the same time. He was rough and pulled my hair and bit my neck. Since his roommate and my friend were there he covered my mouth when I got too noisy. And he was forceful in ways I didn't expect. I'm surprised that I'm into that sort of thing. Also he convinced me it was okay to have sex without a condom. I'm still a little worried since I'm not on birth control, but I think we're okay.

I didn't sleep at all, I just laid there, him pulling me closer each time I got a little space. Each time he stirred he would kiss me on the forehead, which was so sweet especially with how rough he is. He slept some and his roommate and my friend slept. It was nice just to lie down with my eyes closed and think. I was wishing to go to sleep but I really didn't mind.

This morning I'm just keeping quiet, trying to lay low. Honestly I'm not very good at that though. I don't like his still, I think he's kind of a douche. But last night was so good. I wouldn't mind if we just slept together sometimes.

I'm getting a lot of heat from my roommate who figured it out from a complicated series of lies, all meant to protect people from finding out who everyone really hooked up with last night. But I figure it's the pot calling the kettle black and I should just wait it out. I just wish it could all be simple.