Thanks

I was born just 500 years, 10 months, and 12 days after Columbus discovered America. Just 129 years, 1 month, and 17 days (approximately) after Columbus set foot in the new world, the pilgrims celebrated the first thanksgiving in their new home. Through all they had endured in the 1 year, 2 months and 23 days since they had left mother England, including the deaths of more than half of those who had originally set sail, the pilgrims were thankful for the gifts God had given them. They had gotten a great deal of help from their new friend Squanto, who despite his own deeply troubling hardships had aided the people that now made a home in his former land.

I am thankful for the friends that helped me through this year and all the hardships it held. Even if they were only there for a short time, fleeting and dizzying, I am thankful. For those who stayed through it all, all my crazy. I am thankful I am still here to see my wonderful family. I am thankful for having these two months of hope for a successful future while I wait for acceptance or rejection letters. I am thankful for my country even through the hardship and the topsy-turvy political landscape. I am thankful that I am able to forget the things I am so thankful for because I have so much of it.

So 1 day and 22 hours since my cousins arrived and 17 years, 3 months, and 1 day since I was born, I wish you thankfully adieu.

Mountain Hill

It was that time when
we snuck out of the house
to lie on the top of Mountain Hill
even though it really wasn't a mountain
just to look at the big glass dome
and you told me
that one day all the little white spots would melt together
and that would be eternity
and I asked what if all the black melted instead
and all the white was gone
then you told me there would be at least one spot left
and that would be the one
that led me home
and I believed you

He broke the clasp on
my grandmother's pearl necklace
when he was kissing me
and I wasn't really kissing back
I was remembering the night when
you broke the catch on my backyard fence
when you came to my window to sneak out
at 3 a.m.
on a Tuesday
in July

And we lay on Mountain Hill
and you told me things would change but
you would always love me
and I said I'd always love you back
and then things changed the way you said
and I still loved you
but you didn't remember
despite all the things you told me
on Mountain Hill
that I believed

Hey

P texted me yesterday. I know I should be thrilled, and for a few brief moments I was. But all he had to say was hello and how are you and how is high school. after two months he only asks me whats going on. I feel betrayed in a big way. Now I know that he did think of me, but it was only in a casual way. Like a oh hey, I haven't talked to her in a while, why not sort of thing. Not an I miss you and I hope you weren't hurt kind of thing.

Buzzzzzz

A chaotic buzz has taken over my head. I can't get anything done. I think about pointless means and ends, never finishing anything. I'm trying not to, but I'm getting irrationally upset way more often than I should. I wish I had the drive to just get things done and move on. But I keep letting things go and making them more stressful than they ought to be.

Case and point, I can't stay on topic long enough to finish this blog post. I know I wanted to write about something, but the chaos has taken me over. I just want to cry myself to sleep and just not wake up. I don't want to deal, even if it's just easy things.

Midnight Bowling

So I danced the night away. I danced with a ton of people just to have fun. I probably looked terrible, but I was having so much fun. I danced with Tom a lot, and he is such a good dancer. He kept calling me pretty, which was so nice. I just let go and had the best time. Then I went with Maggie to Alex's house to get changed and meet up with some people to go bowling. I wore Maggie's extra sweats and Alex's tee-shirt, which is kind of awkward because I hardly know Alex, but it felt like I should because it was all part of the midnight bowling experience. I thought there were going to be a bunch of people, girls and guys, but as it turns out it was mainly guys. Matt and Tom and Weston and Dylan and Dom and Alex and Brandon and probably other people but I can't remember. I had a really great time, but Maggie kept pestering me about other Maggie. She kept calling me her best friend, but I'm not her best friend, I'm terrible to her.

I was talking with Matt the whole time, which was really fun. I even did the classic pretending-to-be-horrible-at-bowling-thing just so he would teach me how. And it totally worked, he did the classic put-his-arms-around-her-and-go-through-the-motions-thing. He got me a drink and gave me his seat and got really upset about me possibly sleeping at Alex's. I ended up not sleeping over because Maggie and Alex seemed like they wanted a bit more privacy, but he was going back to total big brother mode.

Once, when college came up in conversation, I said that Emerson was famous for the amount of pot there and he said that if I ever became a pot head he would show up with his whole ROTC unit. He told me like he did before that the guy who hurt me was going to have to deal with him. I like being looked out for again, I only wish that I had Prateek back as well.

At the end of the night, Tom told me that he needed to talk to me on Monday. I can't figure out what it's about. I really hope it isn't to tell me to stop being a slut or something.

I got home at 3 a.m. and then slept until noon. I love daylight savings time. And I love fun nights like those.

Moving Slowly

I'm following that awful sound
to a place I know but haven't found
and I know this isn't what you wanted
all along

I'm lying face down on the tracks
I can't go forward, I can't go back
those things you wanted only did
me wrong

And I'm tumbling down the hill
because I lost all my free will
and all of this might make sense in not
too long

I keep thinking that things are going to change. But change doesn't happen unless you make it. I won't get thinner if I just sit and hate myself. I won't get work done just because I write it on a to-do list. I won't get into college if I only send out one application.

My hope is that life and high school aren't the same. I love high school, I really do, but people can be so mean. I am really mean. Maybe things will change on their own just because college is different than high school, but maybe it's me that has to make the change. Laziiiiiness is what rules my mind. How can I manage to only sleep and do no work? those are the thoughts I think. step up! I tell myself, but it's too much work to care, it's much too scary for me anyway.

I teeter on the wall that divides passion from passivity. Sometimes I think I ought to jump in and be involved and happy. Other times I'd rather sit and think and wear my melancholy face. Indecisive. I wish I were consistent.

Echoes

In my mind, you are the sum of all the things I never told you. I practice all the things I wish I had screamed at your ugly face. I think up new ways to hate you. I meditate on the reasons you were right. I plan a complex and intricate revenge. I compare you to all the evil men in history. When someone speaks your name I instinctively become defensive and angry. I wish I could hate you completely without a trace of pity or doubt. You are mine enemy, for you hath done me wrong.