packing to go

packing has taken over my mind and my room and my whole day. and I'm not even close to finish. I want to go back to school, but I'm not looking forward to all the packing, moving, unpacking, and organizing. the only thing I'm looking forward to is decorating. I like to put up all my pictures on a clothes line like they do on all those pinterest and tumblr. I also have lots of maps and posters and I made some fun quote posters.

wake me up when this is all over!

bad decision

guess who ate an entire bag of pita chips today? I did.
guess who feels terrible about herself? I do.
guess who took 5 laxies? no, really, you'll never get this one.
okay fine, it was me.

19 now

well, I did it. I successfully turned 19 years old. and let me tell you, the cake has got to leave the house soon or I am going to go crazy and get fat.

for my birthday my aunt took me to dinner and to go shopping. I bought new jeans at the gap, size 8a. last time I bought pants there I was at my low weight, and I was a 4a. really shows you what a difference 20 pounds can make.

but weirdly, I don't mind being a large size. I mean, of course I'd like to be a tiny little thing and fit into size zero, but I don't. I think it's good that I'm this size now, because when I fit into a size zero I want to feel like I deserve it. it wouldn't be fair to the small girls if a huge whale like me could fit into the same jeans they could. dress sizes are things you earn, not something you can just wish for and want.

has anyone ever seen girl, interrupted? it's about a girl in a mental hospital. winona ryder is the lead, and angelina jolie plays a big role as well. I had heard good things, but had never bothered to sit down and watch it. winona ryder looks really good in it. 

maybe it's because of the short hair, but her body is so androgynous, something I've always wanted to be. little and thin without much of any kind of curve. unfortunately, I've got a booty to make black girls jealous. I'd rather be like my sister, but without her big boobs.

but seriously, I want to be her. it's official. well. or maybe emmy rossum, I'd be her in a heart beat as well.

happy monday, ladies.

11 days left

my birthday is this week and so is my grandmother's, so we had lunch at ruby tuesday's today. I had a salad (60) and turkey burger sliders (400) and some of the fries I didn't know would come with my meal (100?) so not that bad, really, for a lunch out. breakfast was a fiber one bar (140) and blueberries (40) and dinner was a small helping of rice and chicken (150)

really the day was fine. except that then my aunt brought us godiva chocolate (her working there and getting 90% off is a blessing and a curse) and I had waaay too much. oh, and the crackers, and then the cream cheese, and then the ice cream. yeah. after the chocolate I pretty much just went into full on binge mode. it was gross.

so with a stomach full of junk food and guilt, I did a 10 minute jump rope work out and a 20 minute high-intensity aerobics video. then I did my usual hour of biking with a few hills thrown in. that all, plus a half hour of power walking with the dog, added up to around 600 calories burned. my stomach was perfectly cold, telling me some of the chocolate was being burned off for good. thank goodness for that.

that was the bad part of today. the good part was that I woke up to 153.6 on the scale this morning, which was really nice to see. I'm trying for 150 flat on my birthday on friday. the other good news is that I have 3 interviews lined up for jobs and interviews once I get back to Boston. I really need some of these to work out so I can make some money for europe. otherwise I will have to borrow money, which I don't want to do at all.

and! I finally got some brown leather ankle boots. I've been wanting a pair for a month now. my grandmother was a darling and got them for my birthday. what a sweetheart <3

more randomness-

blogs I'm obsessed with right now:

blogilates

matchstick molly

the hungry runner

spoon fork bacon 

carlene's figments

just some new things for you to read, since I'm sure you don't get enough time on the internet ;P

challenge day 23-

how did the media play into your weight loss?

well I don't know how to answer this. I mean, of course it did, I don't know how any modern girl wouldn't be affected by the media. but I can't point to anything specific and say that one actress or model made me want to be thin. but one thing I can say is, I want to be in the media when I grow up and being thin will definitely help my career path.

ps

missinsanity, I miss you. come back to blogging and my life.

dumb dinner time

okay. blogosphere, you need to cheer up. seriously girls, you control your destiny. a ton of people here have been super down on themselves and saying some honestly scary things. I know you feel that way now, but you need to find a way to be happy about being alive. I'm not saying this in judgement, goodness knows with all that I write that I could never do that. but I am saying this as a fellow weight-obsessed girl, blogger, and human being. please, do something in the direction of being okay.

anyway.

I'm home from the beach. and all the skinny people and the horrible rest stop food. I had two good days in a row if you don't count the times we stopped at a rest area for dinner. first reason- we ate at like 8 at night (how do people eat that late normally? some of my friends do that, but I get far too hungry to wait until then.)  second reason- first we had pizza then we had wendy's. I had a grilled chicken sandwich that I thought was going to be around 400 calories. wrong. it was 550. moral of this story- check the nutrition before you eat everything.

super skinny red-head ballerina was at the beach again. she is so sweet, but it's almost hard to see her. she eats like nothing and is so small, which I admire, but also freaks me out. I want to be small, but never that small. she also has a ton of freckles which she compares to mine, but it always feels like we're comparing the fatness of our wrists. and she always wins.

I've been making an obsessive amount of lists these past few days. lists of things to do, to buy, to read, to write, to eat, to not eat, to list. it's getting a bit much. I need to find a way to do just one or two lists. #virgoproblems

guys, my birthday is in less than a week! how exciting! I want to do something and not be a loser, but I don't think that's gonna happen. so I'm just gonna try and make the best of it and have lunch with my grandparents. haha I'm such a wild teenager.

okay. gotta go make more lists. bye.

bathing suit trauma

we went to target to buy a few things... 300 dollars later, we leave the store. my dad calls it the "target tax."

and we're off to the beach tonight, where I can wear a one piece and my skinny cousins will wear bikinis. I've been feeling a lot more positive lately, but bikinis know how to get me down.

promise to post again when I come home.

and don't forget! be kind to yourself today!

visiting and blogging

proudly I can tell you that I am having far fewer cravings and junk food problems. I went to visit my friend and ate about half of everything given to me.

R

b-oatcakes

l-sandwich and chips

d- chili con carne

F

b- oatcakes

l- 1/3 cup ice cream

d- vegetable & rice stir-fry

s-pretzel thins

okay. so not the most nutrition, but I am keeping the portions small and exercising a lot. I really want to be solidly in the 150's when I'm dropped off at school on september first.

I've also been crossing lots of things off my to-do list, which is really nice. each night I make a list of things to do the next day and try to stick to it best I can. it's actually a really satisfying way to organize the day. I've always been a list person, but lately, the lists are really going well.

only thing I don't like is my shopping list. there's so much on it and not much money to cross the things off. hum bug.

the friend I saw, the one I mentioned is going away to Scotland, is leaving in only two weeks. I'm vary sad that she'll be so far off, but excited that she gets to have such an amazing experience. we have plans to meet up in the spring when I'll be studying abroad in the netherlands. we talk about going to paris together, but I'd also like to go to munich or berlin or something with her. she's the best person I know to go to a museum with; she has amazing takes on things and really witty commentary.

who likes blog lovin'? I just started using it to follow more exercise and recipe blogs, and it's lots of fun. I think I want to make another, more public blog, one that my family and friends can read. I'd like to post links to my favorite recipes and workouts and all the pretty things I buy and make. but maybe I'll wait until I'm at a lower weight, one where I'm not embarrassed to post pictures of myself.