Resolutions

I'm making this list public so you people can hold me to it-

finish 5 radio pieces pre-emerson

stop procrastinating

*get above an 80 on all midterms, finals, and mp grades

keep my room clean

make bed

sort out dresser

join track team

throw 20 ft in shot-put

buy all friends/family great bday presents

start knitting again

*be nice to maggie h.

get drivers license (before chris lol)

resist temptation to cut my hair short again

**lose weight (real shocker, huh?)

size 6 prom dress

cute fame costume

dress better

stop self deprecating comments

better time management

especially for work

keep in touch with people better

7 Deadly Sins

I have all the symptoms of post-holiday zombietosis. sloth- check, gluttony-check, wrath- check, greed- check, pride- check, lust-check, envy- check. The seven deadly sins got me in the end, but somehow I'm still walking around. I'm a zombie.

My first and capitol sin is most definitely sloth. I have been lazing around for 3 days now, getting next to nothing completed. I am the model of slovenly with my frizzy hair, all-day pj's, and fluffy pink slippers.

Next I have my gluttony. I haven't eaten a real meal since Christmas dinner. since then, I've gotten up at noon and eaten only chocolate chip cookies (making them is my one accomplishment of these past few days), hershey kisses, orange juice, and popcorn. yup, it's a near all-chocolate diet, it's gross, and completely unhealthy.

Then I have wrath, which isn't really wrath per say, more of a channeled annoyance turned inner anger directed at my little sister. she has become the most annoying and irritating thirteen year old brat ever. I know her behavior is cosmic justice for my own teenie-bopper drama, but still. does she have to so annoying?

next is greed coupled with envy. which is fairly easy to do post christmas. you see cool things on TV and cool things other people got, you then get jealous, and then you start counting your christmas earnings from uninspired relatives. you look at, feel up, and dream about all the things you have while simultaneously plotting your next purchases and gift lists. it's an awful consumer cycle, and I'm guilty of it. I guess thats why I'm dead.

Pride isn't my worst sin of the moment. The weak spot with this sin came on Christmas when all the relatives were praising me on my acceptance to college. When they congratulated me, I felt my ego swell and I was soon gushing with all the delightful details of the school. I was sure never to leave out how great I am for being accepted. All my amazing grades a so-called writing skills. I'm glowy, gloaty and guilty, what can I say?

I suppose I'm not really guilty of lust, but I could stretch it to say that I've fallen in love with skinny girls on TV recently. I mean, I've always liked them the way normal people do, but lately I just am in love with them. I want to just stare and stare and somehow become their clothes and jewelry just to be around them all the time. I'm a commercial junky, and I love models. It baffles me how anyone who looks that amazing would ever feel otherwise. I was watching ANTM and one of the girls was saying how she never felt beautiful before but she was skinny as a stick with a face to die for. I just don't get it.

random and doesn't fit with the post but I liked it-

"They came with hatchets hidden in their socks. We didn't know it at the time, but from the very beginning they weren't looking to make friends with us. Rather it was the opposite they were seeking, in their eyes we were never going to make it out of this twisted relationship alive."

Ana

I have this obsession with a size 6 prom dress. size 6 really isn't even that small. it's like average on the chubby side (at least for my height...) because with my build and height i should be so much smaller than I am.

I know that being skinny isn't always great. it's one of those suffering terrible things when girls starve themselves. but right or wrong (and I know you'll say I'm wrong) I find it so romantic. it's physical and graceful and controlled. it's the ultimate self control. it's the type i dream of. the type that can only be photographed in black and white.

At least while they're suffering, they look pretty while they're doing it. I look more like a depressed whale.

The trouble with matching is that the other person can always pull it off better than me. if everyone wears the same black dress, it's easier to compare and see how wide and nasty I am. And my sister is beautiful and long and thin and tan. i'm short and chubby with a forgettable face.

i could have had everything. i could have been queen of high school if i had been skinny. If I wasn't a gluttonous pig. i would be happier and better if i had been skinny.

But i'll keep lying to myself. I'll say that I'm average when the voice in my head knows i'm not. i'll try to diet, but I know it'll fail. i'm too afraid to stick my finger down my throat. I'll run and lose a few pounds, but they'll be back in a few weeks anyway. I'm a lost cause. and an ugly one at that.

The Art of Being Invisible

You start by ceasing to talk to people. Not in an abrupt manner, but gradually. Then you get a little frosty so that they keep away. But remember not to make an impression with this cold shoulder, a chill that keeps them away but doesn't make them think about why you're so mean.

This step is crucial- don't look sad or upset, just neutral. For some this may be difficult, so here are a few tips: When asked a question, give a neutral answer that is cliche but slightly happy. For example, if asked why you seem so quiet tell them you're "super tired from a family party you went to last night... all those cousins, you know how it goes." Avoid drab clothing, try to look like everyone else, with clothing no one would comment on just for conversation. And if ever asked where you got something, say Macy's. It's neutral and has very little to talk about in it.

Next, keep up an appearance of business so you aren't stuck in a social situation. This won't go on very long though, just until you are considered never available and they forget about you.

If possible, get a job in a nondescript field, like "accounting" and always answer questions about it with vague, somewhat self-depricating responses.

Be sure you go to a large school and get a room mate who loves to party- this way they will go out all the time and forget about you after the first few invites. Another up side to this choice is that you will over hear some excellent gossip when they forget you are in the room and listening to their loud phone conversation.

With these tips, and some practice, you'll be invisible in no time. People won't even get out the way when you say "excuse me". The key is to be as boring and nondescript as possible, keeping everything casual and forgettable. Good luck!

Majority

The tough thing about being in the majority is being wrong. You feel terrible for things that others cut from the same stone have done. I'm white and straight and I'm Christian and Scottish and I'm rich. If I were a guy, I would be in a group of people that has hardly ever gotten any mistreatment. I am among the upper class, the the oppressors, the majority of today. It makes me feel terrible and squeemish when slavery or gay rights or poverty come up. I'm the one who has to feel shameful, even if I personally didn't do anything wrong.

Being in this group, it's also hard to break away without feeling unappreciative or like a brat. If I decide that Christianity isn't right for me, or that I don't feel like I should be blamed for oppression of other races then I look terrible. I'm a reluctant WASP, the classic dissenter.

I've been thinking lately that I can't accept Christianity even though I want to. The point of the bible is that everything in there is supposed to be true. There are so many tough issues in there, and the bible has answers to a lot of them. But sometimes I don't agree. It comes down to the questions of right or wrong and faith or doubt. Even though I want to believe that God is out there and that he loves me, I can't support intolerance to gays or being subordinate to men. It doesn't fit with my sense of right and wrong, and I cannot accept it. And if part of the bible isn't true, I can't pick and choose what to believe.

The Reason Why I'm Crying Right Now

im crying because i was watching a tv show and a woman shows up to her girlfriend's house and asks if they can be together again, even though they broke up, and even though the girlfriend missed the woman she slammed the door in her face and it was just so sad because the woman was rejected and it made me cry because her look was so hurt and i couldnt stand it and then i started thinking that it'll hurt me almost as much as that woman losing her girlfriend for me to get the rejection letter in the mail from emerson because i have all my hope pinned on it even though i know almost like a fact that i won't get in because i just know somethings and i'll be crushed and i'll always think of it my whole life and it'll be like safetys and peer leadership all over again except worse because i care more about it and then strait after i'll find out that i got a horrible part in the palay and that i failed at everything and now i'm thinking of how much i miss prateek and how he said that he'd call last week but didnt and didn't even message me to say sorry that he didnt because he doesnt love me anymore and so to make up for missing him i've been doing stupid things just to get attention but thats not really working because it isn't real and i feel so horrible but i can't help it because i'm going to fail at everything and i know it because that woman and her girlfriend couldn't work things out and in the end people you love will always leave you or let you down

(Extra)ordinary

she's baking cookies for the charity bake sale

she's daydreaming in class of weekend plans

she's winning a swimming race at a big meet

she's finishing a novel to be published next year

she's painting her toenails pink with sparkles

she's building a birdhouse for the tree out back

she's writing a paper on the history of spain

she's shopping for the prettiest prom dress ever

she's beating her all her brohters at monopoly

she's calling her crush to say hello how are you

she's babysitting 6 kids for and hour and a half

she's painting a portrait of her mother in white

she's running the mile for a new school record

she's helping her grandmother move furniture

she's making the honor roll every single quarter

she's laughing with friends at a comedy movie

she's tying her shoes with double strong knots

she's doing a front flip on her cousin's trampoline

she's eating fresh salmon with lemon and rice

she's taking the sat tests on saturday morning

she's just your ordinary super hero in diguise