For the Better

It's been an interesting few days...

Thursday
I finally got my license! I know, it's bad that I'm 17 (18 in 5 months! eeep!!) and didn't have it yet, but parallel parking scares me to death. I passed this time though, so no more bumming rides.
Then after a long wait at the DMV, my dad and I drove to Boston. I told him about C and he's fine with it. such a big sigh of relief.
the bad thing was, I ate such crap. I had a cookie at my teacher's baby shower and fried chicken for dinner. ew

Friday
We went to Boston to visit my college for accepted students day. It was a lot of fun. I met my professors and lots of the kids I'll be in classes with next year. I cannot wait until next year after yesterday.
again, bad intake. I was just like "fuck it! I don't want to look like a freak in front of people who matter" so I ate. but not too much, I think about 1000. It's all about portion size
On the long drive home I texted boy for a while. He asked me out to a date on Saturday (today) and I said yes.... I know. I'm freaking out too.

Saturday
I got up early for a Saturday for track practice. We ran 12 100 meters... kill me. But at least it was a good workout to burn what I ate the past two days. Then boy took me to breakfast. I had grapefruit juice and one slice of french toast. He is sooo cute! I cut my french toast up small and ate it slow because I was afraid to look like a pig. (btw, it's a tricky line to walk. How do you not look like a glutinous pig but then also look like you don't think about eating?) Then he drove me home and kissed me "see you later". I love that. then I laid out back on the hammock to try in vain to give my paper white skin some color.


I'm nervous about tonight. And about the whole boy thing. I know he likes me, I mean he keeps saying he does and acts that way, but I somehow can't believe it. I can't see what he sees in me. Is it that he likes that I like him? or do I genuinely have some attractive quality? I wish I could feel pretty and not so disgusting all the time.

I need to relax.

it was a good day

1. my intake today: 2 rice cakes (70) and two sections of grapefruit (10?) 80!
2. kissing (sigh...)
3. not getting last place in the 100 meter dash today
4. finishing my homework for the first time in forever
5. knitting a baby hat-sock combo in only 2 days

I need a fix 'cause I'm goin' down

track meet cancelled. I knit a hat instead.

I hate being hungry all the time.

Why can't I be happy for more than a few days at a time?

I think I'll go drink some tea now.

SGD day 1 (again)

Okay so SGD started again. shocker right? I feel like a broken record repeating the same program over and over again. But it's working, so I don't want to mess. well, not too much messing anyway :P

New rules:

• go by the net calories not total (I think this will be less discouraging)
• fruit and veggies count
• mandatory morning stretching

But the good thing is, by this point I've memorized which everyday's intake should be. horay for the repeaters!

Today was a good 1st day. I started the sprint workouts so that was a good burn. I've heard sprint/walk actually burns more than a long jog, but I don't know how true that is. I also took a nice 20 min bike ride on the hills down the road. My thighs are killer from the two workouts but I think I'll be fine for tomorrow's meet.

I haven't posted intake in a while. I think I'll start doing that again. it keeps me more honest than just keeping track on my ipod. (btw, I have this great app that has thousands of foods in it. and it even has a weight tracker so you can see the graph. Its called "Lose It!" I use it all the time.) so here goes:

orange juice (40) cereal with yogurt (131) grapes (10) tea (0) pasta (221) chicken (100) home-made alfredo (110) rice cakes (70) exercise total (409) net: 286

now I just need to keep doing good. it's tough for me to have more than 3 low cal days in a row. then I start binging. I want this week to be perfect.

lots of love to all of you!

Track Meet

I went, I saw, but failed to conquer. I'm the worst in every event I do, which makes me miserable. But the good part? it was cold. So boy shared a blanket with me. Boys are so good for keeping warm :)

Boy is my best friend's (well... we're kinda fighting and I don't know how to talk to her anymore) ex boyfriend. He's always stage crew in the shows I'm in, and he's really cute. He's got the tall, dark, and handsome thing well covered. Every show he always flirts with me and I always let him. I like attention. Anna swears he's weird and awkward and that he's just really horny and would go for anyone. But I don't think it should be so hard for her to believe I could be wanted by someone. I mean, I'm her friend right. and it's not like she loved him. they went out for like 2 months in ninth grade. big whoop.

He hugged me and said I did good at discus even when I was terrible. He had his arm slung around my shoulder on the bus back and I leaned into him. It was just so... nice. And I let him kiss me. Is that bad? it was the classic him-drive-me-home-then-kiss-me-on-the-front-porch thing. I know he's Anna's ex and she thinks he's no good, but he's really nice to me. And he told me I'm pretty which is something I crave. It's weird that I could wake up crying and shaking and go to bed smiling.

It would be really nice if this turned into something. maybe a prom date....? A good distraction from failing diets and a pitiful track season. A positive distraction. Something that makes me happy. He makes me happy- why is that so bad?

goose bumps

I woke up this morning feeling like such a failure. So I took a cold shower until I shook so hard I started crying.

Track meet today. time for more failure.

Wall-E

Spent the rainy afternoon of cancelled track practice creating this. A lovingly made cake of my favorite pixar character. I used the cake mold I bought 2 summers ago but only used once. I love baking! I also made my dad pasta alfredo as a surprise/ bribe to buy me train tickets to Boston next week.
so yeah, as you can tell from the kitchen time, it was a 'fuck it' day for food. I didn't eat that much, but pasta and icing are not on the good foods lists. oops.
Wishing you a fantastic April!