131, hallelujah

It's bewilderingly easy to skip meals at college. Living independently means I can can eat nothing all day, and nobody will suspect a thing. there is no reason for someone not to believe you when you say you just ate with other people. I kind of wish there was someone to look out for me, and tell me I need to eat something. I wish someone was paying attention.

but then again, if I were being watched like before (not in a conscious way, but my family eats dinner together so it's noticed if you don't touch your food) I'd never have gotten through yesterday without eating. Or friday, or saturday for that matter. and then I wouldn't have been 131 this morning. i was 131 lbs this morning! it's sad that my weight has been almost exactly the same for months, but this is the first big change I've seen in a longgg time. I guess my on/off dieting was at least good for keeping me from gaining.

Sofia and I are fasting today. She's starting the ABC again, too, so wish her luck. I want to fast until I see 129 on my scale. I just hope that happens by tomorrow morning. I plan to break fast with an apple and then do a liquid fast until friday. I heard that breaking fast with a solid food is good for you in some way, but I forget why.

besides weight loss, this fast is also saving me money on my college meal plan. I was basically burning money on food, and since thursday I've only spent 12 dollars.

I'm meeting the guy I met on the boat cruise on last saturday for a dance on thursday night. I knew that on Sunday, but then he texted me to ask if I wanted to hang out before the dance, too. I really like him, and it seems he likes me too. I'll call him California Now he's an added inspiration to be skinny. I'll make it a mantra in my head: 118 by Christmas

internal conflict

I ate a lot yesterday:
smoothie (300)+ 2 fiber bars +(240) apple +(90) pasta +(400) milk +(110) crackers +(200)
=1,340
and I only burned what I walked off, which wasn't all that much.

It was so weird not to enjoy what I ate and simultaneously feel the guilt like usual. Instead, I felt enormously hungry all day and tried to choose foods that would fill me up for less calories. I didn't enjoy them, I only felt fat. does that make me disordered? I swore I'd never go to that place of no return, I swore I'd never go ana.
"I'm pro-ana, but I don't have a problem..."


I haven't eaten yet today and I don't plan on eating the rest of today. And if I do it will only be an apple.

but is that wrong?

The past few weeks, through all this awful confusion, I've fallen back in love with my Jesus. I love Him so much, I just want to be filled with His light. But that makes me question if hurting myself in this way is really what I want to be doing. Isn't wanting to be thin just another idol? but even if I wanted to give up trying to be thin, I'm not sure I could. My own self hatred and destruction is so ingrained, I can't just remove a part of myself.
this is so difficult!!

boat cruise

I just got back from church. I decided to end my fast early and get a mango smoothie after I got back to my college. I was shaking this morning in the shower and my heartbeat felt irregular. When the guy sitting next to me at church (more on him later) noticed my hands shaking I decided it was time to give it up. I'm not doing this to kill myself or pass out with a bunch of people staring. I'm doing this so I'm the type of girl who other people want to be. So I can not worry if a dress makes me look fat and so I can wear a bikini and feel no shame.
I was 133 this morning. but that will go up a lot after breaking my fast. I need to find a way to lose weight without putting it back on in a matter of hours.

This morning I met up for church with a guy from a technology school across town. He's studying mechanical engineering and I'm studying journalism. go figure. Anyway, we met on the boat cruise last night and really hit it off. He's a super nice guy and we have tons in common. And I'm pretty sure he likes me as much as I like him, which is completely wonderful. the only tiny issue is that he's 6'4. yeah... and I'm 5'2 so he's over a foot taller than me. That might make the logistics of kissing a little more difficult.. (lol I'm such a weirdo)

Oh I hope I get to kiss him!

He plays guitar and he's a great singer. And he's a lacrosse player who isn't a jerk. Plus, when we were talking last night he randomly interrupted me with "you've got really pretty eyes. I can't figure them out but they're beautiful." Oh my freaking gosh I am so happy about this one. We have plans for later today and a dance on Thursday night. yayy for pretty boys that make us happy :)

weekend warrior

I've actually been making friends lately, which surprises me. But I have been missing all my meetings and I missed another class. So that really stinks. I just can't remember anything! I have to work on that. apparently, writing things down isn't enough for my puny brain anymore.

Yesterday I ate some pretzels when I woke up and some peanuts and rice cakes later on at around noon for lunch. then I felt awful about it and went to the gym I did an hour on the elliptical on a higher resistance than usual. I looked disgusting by the end of it! But at least I burned 560 calories according to the machine. that put me at negative so i didn't eat anything the rest of the day. I had a cup of black tea at around 11 pm, but I don't think that really counts. I'm gonna try to fast until Monday morning. wish me luck!

Tonight I'm going on a harbour cruise around Boston. It's a dance, too so I'm really excited. I love dancing! I just have to find an outfit that makes me look slim but still shows a little skin. that'll be tough..

yesterday was...

crazy. in a word.

I went to class like usual and sat with this guy named Sam. he's British but has been living in the US since he was like 12. We hung out in the library for like 2 hours and had a nice time. we didn't get much work done, but it was good. I felt like I was finally making a friend.
Then I found out a kid from my high school died after a five year battle with cancer. it's so incredibly sad. I spent like 3 hours crying and just missing home so much. I wanted to go back so badly. But then I went to dinner with some girl friends, and guess who showed up? Sam.
So then I ended up hanging out with him for the rest of the night. and through the whole weird turn of events we ended up walking to 7-11 at 1:30 in the morning. We were talking and then he started talking about how he's been thinking about me all day and how he really likes me. yeah. I know. at that point I'd only known him for like 12 hours. It was so freaky. I told him we'd be friends and then he was freaking out that he screwed up. I told him he didn't but he did. big time. poor kid.

the good thing is, all that distracted me from the awful stuff that's going on at home. I can't believe he's gone. it's just so sad.
I miss home. but at least I haven't eaten today.

it's tuesday

I haven't eaten a "meal" in three days now. I've been eating, but no full meals. which is good for calorie count but bad for structuring my day. I need to find a schedule that works for me as right now I keep missing appointments and events.

I've mostly been eating these fiber bars and rice cakes. I love rice cakes. and I got some peanuts for protein. I know peanuts have a lot of fat in them, but it's good fat. as long as you keep the quantity low, eating peanuts can be really good for losing weight without losing muscle. as for building muscle, I've been doing push-ups and planks before bed and doing a lot more cardio than I ever did at home. I think it'll be an improvement.

thanks for the nice comments on yesterday's post. I was having a really bad day after the shopping-induced kick in the stomach to my self-esteem.

Now I have a skype date with my ex-boyfriend (who I'm still in love with...) and I look a little gross. hopefully he doesn't mind.

true story

Okay, so I was really hungry after my 8 am class, so I thought, "hey, I 've been exercising a lot lately. why don't I go get a bagel?" I love bagels. they are my favorite. So I decided to walk 8 blocks down to the best bagel place I know, thinking that maybe the walking would at least counteract the cream cheese. But then I passed H&M and remembered I needed to get some nice pants for my new job. So I went in and tried some on. Guess what size I am? A fucking 8. yeah. I'm fat.
Obviously, that means the bagel is out of the question, so I just walked right on back to my dorm room to get ready for a class in half an hour. I'm not eating anymore. At least not when I can help it. I am wayyy too fat to eat. calories are a reward for being beautiful. And that's not something I've earned yet.

I just wanna be skinny...

EDIT:

today's intake: half slice of banana bread my dad sent me (90)

                       apple (80)

exercise: city walking for 2 hours (300) yeah... I just wandered

              elliptical (140)