do what you want

I miss working out. I hate starting and taking time from whatever else I'm doing, but I love how accomplished I feel when I do it consistently. I hate restricting what I eat, but I do like exercising. Pushing myself is kind of fun.

less than

It's been a really crushing day. I went to the beach for the first time this summer with my family and wore a bikini. I looked so bad in it, and my skinny health freak aunt and anorexic cousin were judging me. Then we all ate cinnamon buns for lunch (my aunt's big splurge of the week, and she only had half) and I felt like everyone was watching to see how much the fattest girl in the family would have.

Then we drove home to go to a family friend's going away party. Her uncle sat next to me at the "adult" table and condescendingly talked to me like I was some kind of free loading idiot. He asked about my new apartment and then made a comment to my dad about how much he was spending for it. I said it was actually cheaper than a dorm, and he asked me if I knew you had to pay for HBO. I was seething. Of course I know you have to pay for premium tv channels and I have never subscribed to them in my life, I'm not a spoiled brat who just expects everything. Then we were talking about reading books and I said I'd actually read a lot this summer. He then made some remark about me taking advantage of my dad's credit card to buy things off the internet. Um, no. I use my own money to buy the things I want and I'm sorry I'm completely financially independent by age 19. I hate people who talk down to those younger than them, it's like he doesn't realize I have thoughts or feelings just because I'm not 30 and married like him.

I got an exit from the party in order to drop off my brother for a camping trip with his friends. They're sleeping all together on this island on our river before they all move into their college dorms at the end of the week. Listening to them talk about all the people that would be there and all the booze and adventure I was so flattened. I was jealous of their friendship, and how my brother turned out cool and I turned out to be the fat emotional older sister who thinks she's cool because she occasionally drinks with her sorority sisters. He's always been better than me, but soon without the barrier of college and high school everyone will be able to see it so much more clearly.

There are so many reasons I'll never be happy or successful, but I feel like today I was reminded by a lot of them all at once. I'm sure tomorrow will only be worse. 

I'm getting really anxious

Let's face it. My one goal this summer was to get under 130 and I failed. I only have two weeks left before school starts and I've gained weight this summer. I started at 143, was briefly 138 and now I'm at a startling 146.6. I am so ashamed of myself.

Also I'm starting to think kind irrationally. Last night I couldn't sleep thinking about colonics and whether it would help me lose weight. ew.

down

I spent all day binging today. I ate 3 small chocolate chip pancakes with nutella and ice tea for breakfast, and then half a bag of chips and some chocolate candies all day. I was so bloated from all I ate and all the water I drank that I couldn't eat the delicious and nutritious dinner my dad made for our family. I make me sick. I only wish literally, then all this shit would be out of me.

I think I'm gonna go take a lot of laxies now.

fruit fast

Fat Piggy suggested a fruit fast this morning. I'm really excited to join her on this. Peaches, plums, and nectarines are all in season here on the east coast, and I'm going picking this afternoon. But I'm making it a fruit/veg fast because I'm also excited about the zucchini, tomatoes, corn, and peppers that are almost ready in my backyard garden. It's going to be such a good week for feeling healthy and losing weight.

I worked 30 hours on my feet in the last 3 days. It was SO exhausting. I don't think I can do another weekend like that one again. It was constant running around, waitressing is always tiring, but this weekend was a total drain.

The good thing about that is that I woke up this afternoon (yes, I slept until 1pm, a full 13 hours of sleep) to 141.2. I am so happy about this number! I was 144 on Thursday and ate total crap all weekend. I never eat when I working so the past three nights I've come home and eaten a couple bowls of cereal and then a few spoons of pb straight from the jar. Eating at midnight is horrible for you, but I was the type of hungry that prevents you from falling asleep. That and I was so emotional from being yelled at all day that I had zero self-control.

I think I'd like to go swim laps today. I need to find a pool with a reasonable guest admission rate. Who do these snotty bitches think they are, charging $15 for a few hours in their pool?

Thanks, Portia

I read Portia di Rossi's Unbearable Lightness last week. I read it in only two days; it was an amazing. In the epilogue she talked about how she finally healed and recovered and how diets don't work. Feeling deprived always makes you want to binge. So now she has this radical eating plan- she just eats whatever the hell she wants. If she feels like ice cream, then she eats it. If ice cream sounds too sweet or too cold, she doesn't. She eats healthy because it makes her feel good.

So I think that's what I'm going to do. I've been counting calories on my ipod since 2009. And I am still at almost the same weight I was then. Obviously it's done me no good. I'm trying to choose the foods that will make me feel my best, and not think about the calories.

It's really hard though. At work yesterday I caught my image in the mirror and started to cry. I look so disgustingly huge. So I went into the bathroom to sob and count up everything I'd eaten that day. It was awful and sent my head spinning off to that self-loathing, number-crunching place it always goes.

But this is going to be good for me. The control freak in me is screaming that I'm losing weeks of data. That I should keep tallying my calories simply because I always have and having that much data is comforting.

Another big thing in my life is that I broke up with my boyfriend. I've never been dumped or really broken up with anyone, it's always been that we come to a mutual decision that the relationship is not working or there is some obstacle in the way of us being together, like one of us moving 6 hours away. But this time I broke up with him. He cried and I felt bad. And then I cried when he was gone and called him to apologize and asking if I was too harsh.

I feel empty now. I didn't realize that breaking up with someone is so hard. The thing I have to keep reminding myself of is that I never was really in love with him. I was in love with having someone to see all the time, having someone to claim me as his, and I was in love with the physicality of it. But he himself I was never in love with. Does that sound awful? So I have to keep reminding myself that I don't miss him, I miss being in a relationship. Someone else, someone I like, is bound to come along. Right?

try again

I went running on my high school's track this afternoon and it rained so much that my socks were full of water and my shirt was soaked through. I only ended up running for 20 minutes, but I guess that's better than nothing. I wish I had endurance and will power enough to be a real runner. I'm such a gross lump, the opposite of a beautiful graceful runner.

I'm trying to cut out gluten. Which is hard, cause I pretty much live on bread and bagels. (Which is why I am so absolutely disgusting)

b- greek yogurt, wheat germ (140)
l- raspberries, walnuts (223)
s- cheese stick, green goodness smoothie (340)

Thing is once I get myself stuck on "eating healthy" like this I tend to let it consume me. All I can do is watch the clock and wait for the next time I'm allowed to eat or supposed to exercise. I turn it into this awful overly-structured nightmare for myself.

But I just have to get to Sunday. I need to stay under 1000 each day until then and hopefully that'll get my weight under 139. On Sunday night I'm going to see a friend who I haven't seen in a while in Philadelphia. I missed him a lot, so I was really happy to get the invitation.

It's not that 3 pounds is going to show or anything, I'm not stupid. I'd just like to be able to think to myself a number in the 130's and not the 140's like I have been all summer.

After that goal, I have another. By the time July is over I want to be officially in the "normal" BMI range and weigh under 136. The goal after that is another 6 pounds in August, so that I'll be 129.something on move-in day for my new apartment.

I know I make this goal list constantly. Even with the same goal dates (130 by school, 125 by Halloween, 118 by New Year's.) But I'm breaking it up even smaller this time. And I feel like I can really do it. Just as long as there are no big disasters, anyway.