Ennui

Currently climbing my way out of a several-day-deep hole of depression. Of the last 72 hours, I spent about 40 sleeping, 12 at work, 3 having sex, and the rest binging and watching television. Is it depression thats causing this overwhelming laziness, or is the laziness making me sad? Cause that's all I feel, overwhelmingly sad. All I want is to be sleeping so I don't have to be thinking. When I'm awake and thinking (or worse, talking to people) the insecurity and the self hate grow so strong its hard not to cry. I've cried a lot in public over the past week.

There was at least 4 homework assignments due today. I've only done one of them so far and I feel like such a huge failure. But it was me, these past few days, who actively procrastinated, knowing this would happen. I can't write, I can't do the work. I just do not care about any of this.

up and down and up

After my last post I only made it a few more days before the binging started again. It's embarrassing to admit here what a failure I am. I've been eating bad foods again in large quantities all alone. And then I run the bath so my roommates won't hear me purging. They think I don't do that anymore and I wish I could live up to their expectations of me.

Each morning I wake up and either remorsefully take a stock of last night's damages or happily congratulate myself on a low intake and bounce onto the scale. One wonderful morning it actually read 131, a great number for me. But this morning it was 134, still not awful, but up over the past week. My goal right now is to see 129 or lower by October. I don't think it's completely impossible, especially if I find a little time to actually get in some exercise.

Dieting is so boring. I wish I had some better news to tell you all.

A little optimism

Somehow, by some miracle, I've been binge-free since last friday. That's 10 days! I feel so fantastic, I can't even say. This has been a plague of mine for 13 years, which, not so coincidentally, is also the number of years since my mom died. It's kind of odd to type something like that out onto this white space. I have a problem that I've been embarrassed about since I was 8 years old. I binge eat and that's the thing I hate the most about myself, and I hate a lot of things about myself. And finally that I'm feeling just a little control over this behavior is so liberating. It's like if I could solve this than I could do anything.

My 21st Birthday

Just returned from a trip to Martha's Vineyard with my friends. 3 of my roommates, 1 friend from school and 1 friend from work. Two of my roommates grew up on MV and we stayed at E's house with her lovely parents and brother. We had a really great time in that classic girly vacation kind of way. Singing Beyonce and J-Lo in E's Dad's huge truck, three in the front row, three in the back row. It was what I imagined having friends would be like when I was a kid.

Luckily I wasn't the fattest girl on the trip this time, only the second fattest. One of my friends, who I love more than words, has let herself balloon since last summer. She complains about it all the time but she eats so much food constantly and hates to exercise (hmmm... sounds a lot like me, except without the purging.) The great thing about being with people constantly is there's not much time to eat secretly. I ate too much for sure, but it was in more reasonable quantities than I usually eat. 1.5 cups of pasta instead of 4, 2 cookies instead of 10, etc.

Today my weight was 135.5, higher than I'd like but not outrageous. But it's a huge mark of failure this year. I swore to myself I'd be 121 by my 21st birthday, but that's tomorrow and I'm still 15 pounds away. All I care about is eating, where I can get my next food fix from. I plan in my head where I'll go and where I can purge. How much I can eat and where I can eat it without anyone seeing me. I wish more than anything that this could all stop. That I could just be normal and eat healthy and be the person I should be. But I can't. Because I'm hopeless. I have zero potential to be anything worthwhile at all.

Karma

My work crush kissed me on Saturday night. I was so happy about it, I was in a good mood for days after. Now I'm pretty sure it was all alcohol induced. We both have the day off today and I asked him last night if he'd like to do anything. He said no and immediately my cheeks went hot and pink. My stomach hurt so much from embarrassment that I thought I was going to throw up.

But then karma kicked in, because 10 minutes later this guy who's been trying to ask me out for ages gave it another shot and I was so shocked that I said yes. I mean, how weird is that coincidence? Then, I think because the universe was trying to give me an ego boost, the guy who runs the trivia night gave me his number on his way out. How about that? 

And yes, I'm still fat. I'm still puking. Life goes on and it hurts every damn day.

53

On my family vacation in Charleston, SC this week.  I flew from Boston to Charleston on Tuesday and arrived here just in time for a pulled pork dinner. Everything here is junk food, but somehow everyone but me is skinny. Dad took our pictures on the beach last night, the whole white shirt and jean shorts thing. I'm editing them for him to give prints to the grandparents. I was in the middle of working on a group shot when just I had to stop because I was crying too much to focus. I'm so fat and ugly it's hard to even see anything else. I wish I could just stop eating and fix this so I could move on with my life but dieting is so hard. I'm eating around 1200 calories a day every day this week, walking a lot on the beach and swimming. I really hope I'm under 134 when I get back to Boston.

I hate my body and my skin and my face. Everything is so hideous. And the worst part is that I'm not even a nice person, I'm mean and gossipy and boastful and lazy and judgmental. I don't want to be this person anymore, I'd rather be dead than to keep being me.

Anyway, enough pity and tears. Today is my mother's birthday, she would have been 53. I wish she were here so I could ask her everything I've always wanted to know about her and hug her and make her a pretty pink birthday cake. She'll have been dead for 13 years on the 11th, I can't believe it's been so long. Everyone says I look like her, but I know they mean that I would look like her if only I were 25 pounds lighter. She was tiny and beautiful, I can only ever dream of being like her.

headphones, bookmarks

Yesterday went a bit better than the day before. I actually made it to the gym where I burned 550 calories according to the exercise machines. Plus I only ended up only eating about 300 calories (peach, cabbage, dressing, strawberries, iced tea) until just before work when I ate an entire bag of popcorners chips (they're dangerously addictive to me for some reason) and immediately purged them. It was 600 calories in the bag, but I'll count 200 since I got everything up. Then I worked 7 hours, only pissed off two customers, and had a good day for sales. I wouldn't say it was a good day, I was still really sad and lonely, but it was better than the rest of my week was.

I've finished a few good audiobooks recently. Here's the few that I'd suggest:

Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty: The story revolves around the miniature dramas of a picturesque Australian primary school, all leading to the murder of one of the parents. Themes of domestic violence and sexual assault are explored through the lives of three mothers who all have children in the same kindergarten class.

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn: Amy is missing and all the evidence says her husband Nick killed her. But of course, nothing is ever as it seems. (this one was my favorite, and it's movie being released in the States in October)

The Silo Series by Hugh Howey: Book 1, Wool explores a society that exists inside an underground silo that stretches 150 stories into the earth. You'll have to read book 2, Shift, and book 3, Dust to figure out how they came to live there and to reach the conclusion of a story you won't be able to put down.

The Obituary Writer by Ann Hood: It's 1923 and Rose Baker's job as a typist at the upper west side police precinct has gotten a lot busier with all the new prohibition-related crimes. To handle the new workload another typist is hired, a graceful and sparkling girl called Odalie. The other typist changes everything for Rose before she even knows what's happened.

Any suggestions for me? I'm always searching for a new book!