Full stomach, hate on the brain

Dinner out with a friend last night. I was in a 'fuck it' mood after plans fell through with the boy I've been seeing. I ordered what was sort of a chicken pot pie type dish and a fresh mango juice. Panera Bread-style bread bowl full of chicken and mushrooms, it was warm and filling and delicious. I am always too hot here and for once I was feeling cold and in need of comfort so I ordered it. I ate all the chicken and mushrooms and almost none of the bread. 3/4 of the way through I felt full but I kept going. And then I finished it, telling myself it was alright. Then friend begged and begged me to get ice cream with her so she wouldn't feel 'like such a fatass' (she had gotten a salad for dinner). I compromised with her and ordered myself a latte to sip while she ate her ice cream sundae.

We went to the bathroom together after we paid and I was cursing her in my head the whole time. I wanted to purge so badly, but she was in the stall right next to mine. We took a bus home and I sat in silence the whole 45 minutes just yelling at myself in my head. The full feeling was so triggering, I couldn't stop wishing to be home to get this food out of me. But I knew the bus ride was too long, purging would be pointless by the time I got back.

Spent the evening lying in my hammock, fan pointed in my face. I texted the boy for over an hour, a considerable effort considering the language barrier. We decided to meet today after my classes were done at 7.

Felt horrible about my food yesterday, but today was worse. Granola and milk for breakfast, lemonade and a pastry before a morning meeting (purged in a public restroom) lunch with a new friend and some random backpacker men, then a large dinner of fried pork and tajadas. And I still feel so bingy. I just want to eat everything in sight, and buy more and more and more. I don't know what's set me spinning like this. I was doing so well on not craving or binging, and then the last few days... all I want is food. It's like being me in America again, and I don't want to go back to being that fat sad person ever again.