Jersey Shore

Ocean City 2010! I visited with Jen's family in Ventnor, something i do almost every year. Jen and I jumped off the roof of the house into the bay to swim. We played monopoly too, which was really great because I won in record time. Uncle Scott started calling me Mr. Potter which I thought was really funny. Then I was dropped off at Ocean City where my family was with the other family we hang out with.

My Aunt Sandy's brother John is here and he is such an annoying politician type. He's sleazy. He talks about all the things he's done and the women he's been with and it's so obnoxious. He, like his sister, goes on for fifteen minutes on how they hate fat people and he mentions Obama health care at least once a conversation. And when the flood in Pakistan came up in conversation he said: "I think it's great. You know why? Pakistan is full of Muslim extremist weirdo's. They deserve to die. you know why? when the Brits divided India they sent all the Muslims to Pakistan and the Hindu's to India. Smart move I think, cause now we got rid of a whole bunch in one foul swoop with this flood." What a dirt bag. and his plan for criminal justice? Just lock all criminals in cells and give them the supplies they need for suicide and they'll eventually just off themselves. it's less expensive! I have to try so hard not to say something and fight back. He's the type where it doesn't matter what I say he'll always talk right out of it and do his best to make me look like an idiot. I just feel bad for his one and half year old who has to live with him. John's getting a divorce and I can see why if this lady has any sense at all. But the beach is nice as long as I keep my mouth shut and my ipod charged.

Yesterday I went for a 40 block beach walk with my exercise crazy aunt. I felt great afterwards, but on the way back me and my cousin were just walking together and this huge family of about 60 people were lining up for a picture. The crazy uncle (there's one in every family) called out to me to take the picture. I obliged and he had me take like 10 pictures. then he ran up and told me and my cousin to get in. He got us to lay out in front. Haha one day they'll look back and be like "who are those people?" Anna and I were so scared, but he was really pushy. then they invited us to come up and have some food and the crazy uncle offered me a beer. luckily by that point my aunt showed up and told them we were underage and we went back home.

Ahhh the jersey shore, what a place.

Out There in the Univers(e)(ity)

College visits college visits. why oh why oh why? I have driven close to a thousand miles in the past days with only my dad to see 3 colleges. And they weren't even all good. I saw Western New England College, Castleton State College in Vermont, and *sigh* Emerson College. I suppose the whole trip was worth it just to see Emerson because it was completely wonderful in so many ways. It has the best college radio station in the country and it is the heart of Boston. I loooove it. And it is so pretty, like soooo pretty. On the inside it is modern and awesome and a million miles better than any other school I visited, and on the outside it's historic and beautiful. But is the urban life too much for you? then take a stroll in the Boston Common, conveniently located just across the street. The view is fantastic and the feel is amazing. I love this school. love it.

But other than Emerson the colleges were bad. They both were far from everything and felt like just a 13th grade that happened to be sleep away. definitely not for me. the whole trip was bad too. We went to six flags in Springfield Mass and I felt like always do in those parks, like a disgusting fat ugly monster. Being there makes everyone look low class and trashy and makes you feel sick. I hate those theme parks. the part I like is the roller coasters, but those alone aren't a reason to go for me. yuck yuck yuck. my thoughts through the whole trip were that reflective surfaces should be made illegal because I hate looking at my self. I'd rather just pretend to be pretty and small and not squat and gross.

Waiting

Matt comes home tomorrow from the Middle East. Kimmi is off the wall excited and I'm happy for her too. But hearing what he says and thinking of how great they are for each other makes me really jealous and sad for myself. I want to have some one who I love like that. I know what I have to do about Vishwa now, I think it has to end. I'm not happy waiting up for him all the time. Even though it's great when he is around, the point is that he never is. I'm always waiting up for his calls and then finding that my phone is never going to ring, he's never going to text back. I know he doesn't do this on purpose, but it's still killing me. But classically, I'll change my mind on this in a few hours.

Louis MacNeice

The Sunlight in the Garden
by Louis MacNeice (1907-1963)(Belfast, Ireland)

The sunlight on the garden
Hardens and grows cold,
We cannot cage the minute
Within its nets of gold
When all is told
We cannot beg for pardon.

Our freedom as free lances
Advances towards its end;
The earth compels, upon it
Sonnets and birds descend;
And soon, my friend,
We shall have no time for dances.

The sky was good for flying
Defying the church bells
And every evil iron
Siren and what it tells:
The earth compels,
We are dying, Egypt, dying

And not expecting pardon,
Hardened in heart anew,
But glad to have sat under
Thunder and rain with you,
And grateful too
For sunlight on the garden.

I love the last stanza even though I can't really relate to it. Not yet anyway. In the third stanza I think the church bell defying is something about death. I have not an inkiling as to why Egypt is thrown in there but I love it. For some reason even though I don't know what it actually means, calling out to Egypt really resonates with me and makes perfect sense. the whole end of life/ twilight of life thing is really sad, but more in a melancholy way than morose.

dead poets... almost as good as all those dead freedom fighters we learn about, except the poets are less understood. and less famous.


I've made a new day's resolution a few days ago. I'm recovering, not getting worse. Every time I start feeling sorry for myself I remind myself that I am moving forward not looking back. I'm going to smell flowers and bake cupcakes and write short stories and conquer the world. I'm going to do things I feel proud of and love doing.



On the path of my conquering mindset I started my summer homework and baked cupcakes from scratch yesterday. They are really super cute. And I read a whole bunch of MacNeice's work online. I love him (as demonstrated above). I also plan on finding some stories for my budding radio career. I'm going to make my dreams come true all on my own and I'm going to be happy today as I set off towards my beautiful twilight.

Burning Bridges

I am a pretty terrible person. I showed up at near eleven for Audrey's party with nothing but a dumb card and a meager gift card. It was pathetic and I looked like a complete asshole next to what M and A and everyone got for her. Then I proceeded to act like a jerk. I kept thinking of horrible self centered things and not saying most of them. What kind of a person have I become if I can't carry a conversation unless it relates to me? I'm horrible.

Then at one point M and V and I went to the kitchen to get water and I said horrible bitter things about A's family. I was just so mad that she is so well off and I can't afford college. I couldn't see their faces but I'm sure they pretty much hated me for being such an asshole.

I don't fit in with them anymore. All the time I spend with them I feel stupid and left out and angry and annoyed. I'm not an honors student and I'm mean. I don't give a shit about the kids who get sick at our school, I don't believe in God anymore and I knowingly bash my friends who do, I am a just awful when I'm around them. I have a different mindset about the world and harsh judgments and I curse tons more than they do and I have a much lower moral code. Where the rules mean everything to them, I don't really care anymore. Frankly, it's annoying to be around them.

I know they care. Problem is, I can't understand caring and love right now enough that it matters to me. I'm harsh and rough edged lately, selfish and out of control.

Pumpkin Head Strikes Back

We went for all you can eat pizza at a cafe near my house. It was just me and the fam. We were having a really good time eating pizza and pasta and stuff and just joking when it happened. E and her sons walked in the door. bum bum bum!! it was shocking and eerie and frightening. All through the meal I sat there afraid. then we went out and I guess she spotted us, or maybe just C, but she yelled "hey! hey! aren't you going to come say hi?" I had a rush of pure panic and adrenaline. I bolted back into the restaurant and grabbed my dad's keys and then quickly walked to the car. I started shaking and panicking. I then texted Anna for some help but it didn't calm me down at all. Then i drove with my siblings in the car for the first time and they were freaking out and then i got more nervous and then it was just awful. I calmed down a bit but now as I write this I feel panic again.

I thought I could get over this. I thought I wasn't afraid of her anymore. but I'm so terrified. I could run so fast right now. I have so much adrenaline and panic. I keep saying panic but I have no better word. my hands go numb and my heart beats really fast and I get nervous and jumpy. I need to stop writing and calm down.

Blood Relation

My family- a love hate relationship. My motto for them is that they are murdering me slowly. Last week I had to fake cramps to get away from my grandmother and next week my Dad wants to extend my visit to American University into a family sight-seeing trip. gag me. I love them to bits, but at times I want to smash them to bits. Ca and I almost constantly fight, but in the occasional moment of calm she's still extremely annoying. I think it's the age difference. Four years is the perfect amount for endless bickering. Ch and I are only 18 months apart, so we fight occasionally but mostly we get along well. I'll miss him while I'm away at school. I think I might miss Ca too. By the time I'm in college she'll have mellowed out a bit and then we might be able to get along. hopefully. Families are messy but at least they will always be there for you.