un-photogenic

i feel the urge to post here (and i suppose update posts too) like 50 times a day. but what ever.

i hate hate hate hate hate my prom pictures. and my senior pictures. looking at them makes me literally cry. i look at them for too long and pretty soon i'm crying. not just a tear of self pity- a heaving, can't-breathe, puffy-eyes, wailing, two-year-old-who-hit-her-head kind of cry. i have to jump in the shower so no one can hear me throwing a self loathing hissy fit.

i guess they make me so upset because i always dreamed of being beautiful when i went to prom and i had fantasies about how i would look in the yearbook when i was a senior. but none of that came true. instead i'm a fat, ugly, disgusting disappointment. oh god, why did i let myself get here?

today i go to the doctors. i can't wait to see how much i really weigh. i want a scale so bad. i love weighing myself but i always hate the results. call me an optimist, but i always expect it to go down even though it almost never does. i'm going to get my forms filled out and to check out whats making me sick.

*update: 147.2 is what the doctor scale said. thank the lord it's closer to the wii fit thing than the mountain house scale. i would have just died if it were above 150. 

ate pasta again, i hate soup so its what i eat when i'm sick (+250)

orange juice for vitamin c (+110)
chocolate (wtf do i keep eating it. it's wayyyy too damn addicting) (+300)
black tea w/ 1/4tsp sugar (+5)
orange juice thinger from DD (+220)

total: 885

tweet

all those short little thoughts-

"i just want my thighs to stop touching"

"i want fingers like a piano player"

"why me? why do they get to be so skinny?"

"what's the point in even trying?"

"anorexia is a selfish thing to want. but i want it so bad"

"fuck food. i wish it were all gone forever."

personal interview

got this from sofia (thanks girl, even though i don't know you and you don't know me. but you are a huge inspiration-thinspiration, really)

Age: 17
Height: 5’2"
Weight: 146 lbs
Dress Size: 12
Highest Weight: 149
Lowest Weight (at height): 130
Goal Weight: 120 (right now)
Favorite Diet Food: baby bell cheese, apples, crackers, yogurt
Favorite Binge Food: chips, popcorn, pasta, chocolate
Favorite Exercise: circuit training
Favorite Thinspo: arms, collar bones
Where Do You Slip Up: when i have money and am near sold food

When Did It Start?:
Hating your body: fourth grade
Restricting/counting: off and on since 9th
Does Anyone Know: i hope not
You Want Help: no
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day : i try to get under 800
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: fat/ugly face, hugeness overall
Are You In A Relationship: no
Are You Depressed: yeah

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: once

Ever Been To A Psychologist: nope

I AM -
[] anorexic
[] ednos
[] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[] participating in a fast

PEOPLE -
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[] spread rumors about me
[] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[] wish I’d eat more
[] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic

I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE -
[] feeling hungry
[] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[] green tea
[] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE -
[x] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[] I have many scars.
[] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[] I have/had braces.
[] I wear glasses
[] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[] I have more than 2 piercings.
[] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.

FAMILY -
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[] I’ve run away from home.
[] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[] I’ve had children.
[] I’ve lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT -
[x] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[] I’ve glued my hand to something
[x] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS -
[x] I’m single
[] I’m in a relationship.
[] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[x] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
[] I’ve gotten divorced
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY -
[x] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY -
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[] I’ve been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES -
[] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can’t swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[] I take anti-depressants.
[] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[] I’m addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I’m at my thinnest
[] I’m at my biggest
[x] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[] I’ve spit food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[] I’ve taken diet pills
[] I’ve used laxatives
[] I’ve purged
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[] I’ve fainted from exhaustion

I’VE DONE -
[] Weed
[] Cigarettes
[] Alcohol
[] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[] Anti-depressants
[] Ecstasy
[] LSD
[] Mushrooms
[] Speed
[] Cocaine
[] Other

[] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a diet blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[] I collect thinspo
[x] I’m doing this for me
[] I’m doing this for someone
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself im strong

eh-heh eh-heh

"im sick. eh-heh eh-heh." "boo you whore"

^ story of my life today

crackers with cheese (+90)
chocolate... woops.. (+150)

orange juice and cookie thingers (+160)
noodles with salt (+250)

770

stayed home sick today. anna found out about my pro-ana thing.. she was mad. wish my name were anna so i could be anna pro-ana. cool eh?

only did some light yoga because i felt so sick. when i get sick i get dizzy. so 15 mins yoga was all i could handle. i'm weak, i know.
thinspo makes me sad. but i make me sadder. so i guess when i am the thinspo, when i morph into a beautiful willowy model, i will be happy.

anyway, i deleted all the blogs i was following. and i moved this blog to a different account. and then i had to search them all out and refollow them. ah the joys of joining a new community.
and if anyone ever reads this, im sorry about the terrible writing. i'm better than this usually. i have another blog that's different. it's about more than just hating myself. thinkingwritenow.blogspot.com
just dont let it slip we're the same person. if people knew, they'd hate me for this. and wonder why after all my self hatred and dieting that i still look this terrible.

day 2

today:

stayed up til 4:30 talking with brad. he thinks i'm pretty. liar.

slept in until 1:15 pm

ate 1 slice banana bread, two cups apple juice (+420)

worked out on wii fit for an hour and 25 minutes, did every yoga and stregnth exercise (-400)

ate crackers with peanut butter (+330)

ate chips and salsa and jellybeans (+500)

homework

drank large smoothie for dinner (250)

i ate 1100 today, but a lot of it was bad calories, so i suck. but workout was good. feeling really sick, probably from lack of sleep.

the goal is still to cut out all potato and corn products, failed today with chips (darn!)

stripped a lot yesterday. i love it when they call me pretty :) but i still feel like a dirty whore.

Starting Line

I am stout. short and fat. the short part I don't mind so much, but it's the fat part that gets me. and I'm ugly. what a combo.

I have zero self control. I can't run very long, I can't control my eating, i can't make myself throw up. I'm terrible.

But this year I will be beautiful. It will happen.

the trouble is my lack of scale. I have to rely on an unreliable source- the wii fit thing. I weighed myself at the mountain house and it said 153. barf. but wii fit said today 146. so from now on I will rely on wii fit until a bathroom scale is aquired.

starting weight: 146

goal weight by 1/31: 140

goal 2/28: 135

goal 3/31: 130

goal 4/31: 125

and we'll see how things go after that.

other weight goals:

-size 6 prom dress

-cute fame costume

-fit comfortably into skinny jeans

-thin face

-thin arms

-bikini for senior week

-skinny fingers

beauty goals:

-tanner

-better make up

-better clothes

-prettier hair

-look better in pictures

Wallflowers

it was like something out of a movie. there was wood paneling and ugly carpet and a really old tv, the couch was disintegrating and everyone was pretty. I was almost silent most of the time. a lot of them were teenage dick heads, a few were really decent. there was even a foreign guy.

being a wallflower has its perks. i guess thats why its my favorite book. i can crawl right inside and fit in so perfectly. people care about charlie, and people care about me. I want to show it and i want to fit in, but im so shy i can't. i try my best at first, and almost succeed, but then i start thinking about how i'm the fattest and ugliest one at the whole party. then i find it difficult to open my mouth. it's tempting just to cry and hide, but that only makes things worse in the long run.

i thought i was bipolar, but im pretty sure its just crippling self esteem. sometimes i can pretend that i dont care what people think or what i really think about how i look, but mostly its a pretty big lie to keep telling myself.

im also lazy. im too lazy to change things. which is embarrassing to admit.

one of my best friends was there, and i loved him for that- i wasn't alone while i was feeling like shit.

im dramatic and i'm not going to change just because the date does. it's a process and i have a feeling im not strong enough to keep it up.

i kept wondering why i was invited. why the hell i was one of the people that made the list. i dont fit in. and i'm pretty damn sure i wont be invited again after how i acted. but maybe a party isn't cliche-worthy without the token wallflower.