busy but distracted

I had a dream that my mother came to visit me. I kept waking up in the morning because I was done sleeping and had had enough of it, but I kept going back to sleep so I could see her again. Each time was different, but each time we talked. I wish I had asked her questions I've always wanted answers to, but instead we just talked in general. I miss her so much.

I haven't had a dream like that in a while. the type that shakes you up and keeps your mind occupied all day. But it's made me so sad all day long.

Got a lot done yesterday and today- classes and homework, a bunch of meetings, errands, got my work study job, and got my banking ironed out. proud of myself, but also exhausted .

I went to the gym both yesterday and today. yesterday I burned 300 on the elliptical, and today I did some calisthenics and the elliptical and burned 400. I feel really good about that.
right now I really want to eat, but so far it's been a negative day and I don't want to ruin that by eating more than the 400 calories I burned.

hmm. well. I hope all of your weekends have been happier than mine.

stop crying

I missed my class this morning. and then spent the rest of the morning crying about it. I feel like such a baby, but I honestly can't stop crying. it's awful. I think this proves that I am not mature enough to handle being on my own or making my own decisions. Seriously, I don't think I'm cut out to be a journalist. I'm not cut throat enough.

Last night I skipped dinner but still ate like 300 calories worth of chocolate. fail.
And I watched the documentary Jesus Camp with my atheist suite mate who kept asking me what the religious stuff meant. I told her everything she wanted to know even though now I feel like such a loser. She's got this thing about her that makes you want to give her everything just so she'll like you. I don't know why her approval means so much to me. I wish it didn't.

I got my period this morning which definitely didn't aid me in my attempts to stop balling my eyes out. I weighed in and I weigh 137, the highest I've been in months. I've been on a plateau, staying right around 132-134 since May, which has been really frustrating but I knew it was my own fault. But now it looks like I'm gaining and I cannot let that happen. So I'm kicking into high gear and I'm gonna get down to 118 by Christmas.
If I'm gonna fail college, I'm not gonna fail myself with this weight loss.

it's raining out the window

I just got from the gym and I feel like such a loser. I don't know how to use any of the machines and everyone else looks better than me. :/ I tried to use the elliptical but didn't know how to turn it on. So I ended up doing intervals on the cross-trainer for half an hour. The machine tells me that I burned 320 calories. I hope it's right since I ate mainly junk today.

To follow up on my last post- I don't think Julia has an eating problem, I think she's just super stressed about school. Some people don't eat when they're stresses and others over-eat. I am of the later category, unfortunately. I really shouldn't say I hate her, but she has been getting under my skin in a major way. I'm just too meek to do anything about that.

I have only 4 classes (and one small pretend class), and already on the second day I have a huge pile of work. how am I going to function with all this and the voices that keep yelling at me in my head? Everyone (well, almost everyone) seems to be so much better than me at everything. They don't look afraid at all, but I've been shaking in my boots since I got here.

Problem is, I don't know who to tell. I called my old boyfriend, and he just told me my problems sound stupid. I don't want to call my friends who are also in college cause they have enough going on in their lives without me getting crazy. And I don't want to tell my Dad cause I don't want him to worry. I need to find a friend here!

for some reason when I was running, I noticed how my eyebrows help keep sweat out of my eyes.

I've got a perfect body

but sometimes I forget,

I've got a perfect body

cause my eyelashes catch my sweat

-Regina Spektor, "Folding Chair"

guess who lost ten pounds in a week?

no, not me. 

it was that bitch, Julia. I know. I officially hate her now.

I just got back from an open mic night. and the guy I danced with was there! best part was, he found me. and he invited me back to his room and said he really hopes he'll see me again. sighhh.....

and by the way, i did lose one pound in college. yay me :)

thanks for the support on that last post, too. I haven't been doing very well at college so far.

ranting

clingy roommates are really getting on my nerves. they're making it a lot more difficult for me to make my own friends. I mean, they're nice, but not exactly the people I want to spend all my time with.

At dinner last night, my one roommate named Julia insisted I come along to dinner with her and her friend who was visiting from across the city. So we went, and I ordered some veggie wrap, which they were out of. so then I ordered some cheese thing with tomatoes and they were all out of that too. so, frustrated with the very limited options on the menu, I just ordered the chicken pesto sandwich (which has about 600 calories by my calculation) and Julia gave me this look of disapproval.
mine came out first, so I was eating by the time everyone else's arrived (yeah, I know, bad manners... but whatever. it was a hot sandwich quickly cooling). I ate the first half and was about to pick up the second when Julia was like "wow, you really ate that fast." Then my other roommate Sam was like "well she got her a lot earlier than the rest of us." and then Julia laughed and said "that's not an excuse" and went back to eating the first half of her sandwich.

I just wanted to scream at her: I went running today and you didn't! I had salad for lunch and you had mac&cheese! You had hot chocolate and I had black tea! she's skinnier than me so she can get away with it. but still. it makes me angry and makes me feel like the biggest fat failure in the world.

and I think I've gained weight since being here. grrrreaatt.

dance the night away

last night I went to this dance thing that was part of college orientation. I wore a pink summer dress and sandals. I was considering a much more revealing but fun dress, but then I decided not to. I didn't want to scare anyone off with the cellulite on my thighs.
and apparently I didn't look all that bad.
I danced with one guy who was super good, I was watching him thinking "hot damn" and then he made eye contact with me and asked me to dance. things seem to be unchanged from high school dances, so mostly it was just grinding and jumping- things that (luckily) require little dancing ability. then I sorta just danced with any guy who wanted to. it was great, no one really knew each other so it was just casual and had no other emotional attachment.
and I think all the dancing put a dent in my goldfish calories :)

this morning I finally made it to the gym and did 20 minutes on the elliptical. not the most intense workout, but I had it on high resistance and burned 280 calories according to the machine.
I think I'm making a place for myself here. and hopefully, things will keep getting better.

anxiety

there is a girl in the suite next door that is like 5'8 and probably around 98 pounds. she is an ana goddess.

ugh... I was so stressed out today after the meet and greet/ lecture with my new professors. The way they were talking, I'm doubting I'll make it even a month a college. which sucks, because I really don't want to disappoint everyone by coming home without a diploma. sigh. I'm screwed. so in my sadness, I ate almost an entire bag of goldfish. not good. that's 840 calories, btw. luckily I didn't eat much else today, but still- goldfish have a ton of salt and carbs and fat.

My roommate finally arrived and she's really nice. she isn't thin but she's pretty. one of those rare girls who could actually pass as a good plus size model. she wears weight well, unlike me. I think I was meant to be a petite little 100 pound something, but i screwed myself up. I'll add that to the list of personal failures.