screaming

honestly. I'm disgusting. I am so fucking disgusting. LKGJOEWURAHBVJAEJBEUAIV!!!  I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!

I ate wayyy too much today. and I didn't go to the gym. I was feeling so good this morning that I unfollowed all the thinspo blogs on tumblr that I used to follow. Then just now my roommate put up a really unflattering picture of me on facebook. So I drank a ton of water and took some laxies (because I'm far too wimpy and pathetic to purge. I suck at everything)

I am so fat! and I can't do anything right. and I'm crying, too, apparently I'm just too weak to hold it together.

listing

no class today=
woke up and did squats while I brushed my teeth
then did some planks and sit-ups (-30)
changed into gym clothes
went to the gym
exercised on the elliptical for 35 minutes (-180)
worked another 20 minutes on weight machines (-60)
went back the room to shower
drank tea
worked on schoolwork/tumblr
ate lunch with my roommates (wrap 450, chips 200, water)
edited audio
prateek called me (read my blog circa spring/summer 2010)
went to (uber hard) yoga class (-100)
more homework/ blogging

yesterday in class we discussed Occupy Boston and I explained to class (since I think they needed to know the facts before they started spouting opinions) about how the courts had ruled on the situation. My teacher looked at me and said "you are so up on surrent events. like, you always seem to know what's going on... are you a journalism major?" I was so shocked and pleased! this is the second teacher that has praised my knowledge of current events and history. After their comments I feel so much more confident in my goals to be a reporter.

I'm so fat. that's why I need all this exercise. and that's why I didn't need that terrible lunch. I checked my weight on three different scales today. they all tell me something different. they all tell me something disgraceful.

so much dancing

My roomie and I went to see the Nutcracker ballet today. It was gorgeous! I had never been to a ballet before and it was absolutely flawless and beautiful. I want to be a ballerina. There were all these little girls there in red velvet dresses with red bows in their hair. So cute!

Then we went to lunch with her mum and her brother at PF Chang's. I had veggie stir-fry, which isn't exactly low-cal, but it's better than some of the other options.

Then I got ready and went to my friend's dance show. I swear I'm just torturing myself today watching all these dancers. they're all so thin and pretty and talented. I can only wish I could dance so well. 

And guess what? then I got to show off my terrible dancing skills at the winter dance my school threw at the hotel down the block. They called it the Yule Ball, how cute. Some drunk guy danced with me and kept telling me how pretty I looked. I wish some one thought I was pretty when they were sober, that would be nice.

No exercise and too much food. I should just give up on this being a weight loss blog at this point. I'm pretty pathetic.

fa la la la la

My school is very artsy, and there is such a thing as a musical theater major here, as well as a whole host of other theatery things. Tonight I went to go support one of my musical theater friends in the mini-musicals they were putting on as a final project of a class.

They were all good, but there was one in particular that was astounding. It was a musical about the life of Georges Seurat (the guy who painted the picnic) and the battle between his two great loves, his OCD paintings and his girlfriend. I don't know if it was a true story, but it was beautiful. and the actress who played his girlfriend was gorrrrgeous. She was incredibly delicate and lovely. I just died a little inside watching her be so beautiful and be so talented.

I hope you all are getting through December okay. It's a tough month- finals, cold weather, the holiday stress, extra food, too much family time. best of luck to all of us in the rest of it.

just talking

I had a waffle for breakfast. and then I had a cup of orange juice. yum.

I think I'll skip lunch from now on. it'll work better and I'll have more calories to use through the rest of the day. I used to do that in high school. and skipping lunch makes dinner less appealing because I feel like I have a record to not mess up.

anyone in need of some relaxation and beauty, follow these instructions:
1) open the first link and then the second 2) just listen

I'm hoping to get to the gym today. work was cancelled, so I have time.

ps
if anyone has a tumblr, please follow me so I can follow you back: visitinghere.tumblr.com

i need this again

walking home from work, i was thinking that maybe i'd be happy just staying this weight for a while. maybe it wouldn't be so bad to just be 143 until i find some real motivation. no reason to beat myself up.

but then i passed a reflective window and decided against giving up. i need to be thinner.

work outs start in the morning, ladies.

my dad's been pressuring me to find a job over break, even though i know it's not gonna happen. i'll probs just babysit or something and call it a day. so i'm gonna make working out my full time job, and devote my love of food to smoothies and low-cal soups. good plan? i think so.

i know i'll be so much happier avoiding the christmas cookies than eating them, so why waste the calories?

break-up

I broke up with prep today. It took 45 minutes of boring conversation to work up to actually saying it, but when I did it was just as terrible as I had imagined.

I know it was me that broke it off, but it still hurts really bad. He didn't even bother asking if we could try and work it out. He didn't want to give it any effort at all. Part of me wonders if perhaps it was because once my initial charm wore off he realized how ugly I am and how painfully sad I can be sometimes. I hate break-ups.

In typical break-up fashion I ate an entire pint of fro yo. I feel like such a pathetic fat ass.

to the anon (A?D?): I write this blog because the people here actually read what I write and then write back to me and make me feel like they care. I care about them and it's nice to be acknowledged in my life for a change. If I had friends in real life that I could trust to not just disappear, then maybe I wouldn't write here. But I have grown to love the girls here, and consider them to be true and loyal friends- even if what we encourage in each other isn't exactly healthy.