Different than I am

Food is my secret but it shows all over me. I eat as my secret splurge, in the same way I go clothes shopping. I don't know why I've always had it in my head that what and how much you eat is a private matter, much the same as your bank account or your sex life.

I'm a glutton. I lust after salt and doughy carbs and sugar. Changing this fact about me would be similar to changing my name. But I want that. I want to be different than I am. I want to ignore bad foods, pass them up and not then focus on them, longing for minutes or hours or days until I can finally eat them. I want food to let up its grip on me.

Lately I've been exercising more. I run and bike and swim. I go on walks with my dog each evening. But I need to be more regular in my efforts, and maybe then I'll lose weight the way I did in high school when I ran track. Is it possible without the motivation and strict scheduling of a team?

This holiday weekend I'm not working, I'm with my cousins in the mountains. We've been walking and swimming, but we're eating holiday foods. grilled cheese, chicken and corn, bagels, chips and hummus.  And all the while my health-freak aunt is commenting on weight, giving me glances as if she knows she's hurting me but is deciding to say these things anyway.

I eat too much

today-

2 eggs scrambled (204)

oj (84)

4 popsicles (4x40=160)

apple (95x3=285)

green beans (17)

grilled chicken (200)

bbq sauce (70)

grilled shrimp (100)

grilled red potato (65)

milk (2x83= 166)

biking (-135)

total= 1216

Okay so I thought that was all going to add up to a lot more than it did. And it actually looks healthier than I feel like I was today. So that's a relief, sort of. Besides the barbecue sauce and the oj, it's actually not that bad.

I had an idea. I recently cut my hair short (I simultaneously hate and love it) and I was thinking that if by the time my hair is to my elbow again I am not under 120, I'll donate all the money I have saved to some dreadful organization like the Westboro Baptists or something. 

I spent the majority of the day laying around, both inside and outside, listening to an audiobook about a depresses admissions officer at Princeton. It was both a boring book and one that made me really sad. I'm now reading Sisterland by Curtis Sittenfeld. She is my favorite author but so far I am not all that impressed by this book. I'm almost 100 pages in and I don't really feel much of anything for any of the characters.

I'm bored. Really bored. And I don't have the energy to arrange to see my friends. It's far too inconvenient. I really should though, because otherwise I'll get no practice at staying in touch when I'm a busy and boring adult.

Please can summer be over so I can go back to college?

happy summer

Today is the official start of summer. In two ways, actually. It's the first day of summer on the calendar as yesterday was the summer solstice. Also, yesterday was the day my brother graduated from High School and my little sister finished her sophomore year. Now is the beginning of their summer.

I, on the other hand, am almost to the half-way point of my summer. I've been home since mid-April and I'm dying slowly of missing my friends. Of course a lot of this could be fixed by communication, but I'm bad at that and afraid of rejection.

All day I've been lying in bed, listening to an audio book and shopping online. I need to go outside and enjoy the weather but I am lazy. All I really want to do is get high with my boyfriend. But at least I finally got around to tie-dying a white cotton dress I bought that was too transparent. Even with good beige underwear you could see everything. Not the best look, exactly.

I think I'm going to go lift weights and do push-ups until my arms fall off and then buy tanning oil and lie on a towel. Sounds like the perfect recipe for becoming Michelle Obama to me.

Ciao.

let's think about this diet thing

I've started exercising again. I go running and then come home and do crunches and lunges and squats. I don't hate it, but I don't feel the most motivation to do it. It's just... ugh. I still weigh 142. I was 139 at some point, but that only lasted like 3 days. I was 145 when I got back from Europe, and now I weigh in pretty consistently 142.something.

But what really needs the most attention is my diet. I'm addicted to sugar and salt. I need to cook more of my own food so I'll have more time to think through what I'm going to put in my body. You are what you eat and I'm a load of shit.

On the up side, I got a nice sun burn yesterday before it started to rain. My shoulders and stomach are a nice uncomfortable pink. I'm hoping this leads to some sort of base color. lol. Who am I kidding? We all know I'll be this shade of white forever.

Well. Time to go do some jumping jacks in the garage. We had pizza for dinner and I had too many m&m's (which are like the most sneaky and terrible candy in the universe. I hate them. But I also love them.)

June is half done

I think he likes me the way I am, but there are all those little comments. Am I being too sensitive, or is he trying to subtly tell me I need to lose weight? Either way it's really bothering me.

My weight has stayed the same since I returned from Europe. I need to commit to some sort of diet plan so I can kick into weight loss mode. Maybe I'll pick up a running hobby or something. I dunno, something like that would be nice.

Can you believe we're about half way finished with the month of June? It's always the month that moves most quickly for me.

uncomfortable ramblimgs

Emma Watson is 5'4 and weighs 110 pounds. This means her BMI is 18.9. I am 5'2, so if I wanted to be the same BMI as Emma, I'd have to be 103.5 pounds.

Could you imagine if I looked like Emma? I'd be so much more beautiful if I could only become more like her.

I went to Planned Parenthood yesterday where I was tested for all these diseases and given a script for birth control. I plan to start it today so that it'll start working as soon as possible.

I'm worried that I'm changing myself too much for this guy I'm seeing. He convinced me to cut my hair, something I had no desire to do. He also convinced me to go on birth control, another thing I didn't want. I also smoke far more than I used to and speak in a way I never have before.

Am I that silly girl who changes shape just to fit in someone's arms a little more comfortably? Sadly, I'll happily answer 'yes' if it means I end up under 130 pounds by July.

today:
2 pancakes (440)
1 glass oj (112)
30 minutes bike ride (-101)

I got my haircut on Saturday, about 8 inches off. Then I wasn't happy with it, it was an awkward length. So this afternoon I cut more off. But I'm not sure if I like it.

This morning I weighed in at 141.4. It's so frustrating that only 3 days ago I was at 139.4. Why does my weiht have to bounce around like this? Why can't it just go steadily downwards like I want it to?

Lonely

I'm with this guy. He's really sweet to me and constantly tells me how beautiful I am. It's wonderful to be around him. But on Saturday night we had sex without a condom and he didn't pull out. I was so freaked out! He was totally nice and took me to get the morning after pill. I almost cried when I took it, it just felt so wrong and terrible.

He feels bad, like it's his fault. But really it's both of our faults and I don't blame him at all. Despite that, I still feel terrible, and the worry over getting pregnant is making me crazy. I know there's almost no chance but... you know. It's still scary.

I wish it weren't true, but the whole ordeal makes me feel extremely lonely. I don't really have people I want to talk to about it, and I feel awful telling the guy. I don't want him to feel guilty. I scheduled an appointment with planned parenthood, but I'm scared to go. What if it's really scary there? I'm so nervous.

The one great thing about all this is that I'm eating less and I've gotten down to the 130's again, the first time I've seen those numbers since 2011. I'm hoping by July I'll be solidly in the 120's. I know that sounds slow to you guys, but I've always been slow to lose, even with lots of diet and exercise.

Wish me luck, lovelies.