secretly

twice in one day I was tempted to blow my cover and scream that I struggle with disordered eating. sometimes it's so frustrating to live in secret.

in my class we were talking about blogging and some kid was talking about how he had almost 500 pageviews since he started his blog this summer. I rolled my eyes and was tempted to mention my nearly 7,000 since January. he probably doesn't have any followers. (I love you guys, by the way. have I told you I love you lately? because I do.)

then my roommates were talking about girls with eating disorders. the one was talking about her friend who did some extreme diet and then snapped out of it. "I know sometimes its a disorder, but sometimes they're just being stupid," she said. I wanted to scream that some people are "being stupid" because every part of their brain is absorbed by self loathing and obsessive calorie counting.

i wish i were thin for a lot of reasons. and i'll add this to the list: so people would take my internal sufferings seriously and not push it off as just another girl with poor self-esteem.

from the confessions about eating disorders tumblr page:
33270) No one believes you unless you never ever eat, are severely underweight, and have your problems coming out of your ears for them to see. You know, sometimes the least likely people are the most mentally ill.

bigger things

first solid restricting day in a long while. I'm just genuinely not hungry, which is a nice change.

breakfast: 1/2 a pear (40)
lunch: small salad with chicken and no dressing (130)
dinner: fruit salad and skim milk (150)
snack: mixed nut bar (160)
total: 480

best day in a very long time. well. food-wise anyway.

I had to go home today. it was a long tiring car ride and I cried for much of it. I really don't want to be back at school. it's work, number one. and as you guys know, I am super lazy. number two, I love being home. number three, being in my dorm room makes me sad. number four, it reminds me how much I don't know about where I'm going in life.
I just wanna sleep forever and ever. oh, no. I can't cry again. I've done that too much already today.

at all

my posts have been fewer in numbers lately. I haven't been dieting so I haven't been blogging, either.

I don't think I wanna live like this anymore. it's been nearly a year since I began this blog (it was originally a new years resolution) and I haven't made any progress. yes, I lost 20 pounds this year. but I gained it all back. I weighed myself at my grandmother's house today, which is the where I weighed myself last year when I decided I needed to take more drastic weight loss measures. and guess how much? 147. yes. I gained 17 pounds since the beginning of October.

Then I decided not to eat much for Thanksgiving dinner. I had probably about a third of what I would have eaten if I hadn't weighed myself just before. Then I drank another glass of wine instead of dessert. I'm proud to have eaten less than 800 calories on Thanksgiving day. But that doesn't make up for the bottomless binges I've been having for almost a month. I'm so depressed, and all I want to do is eat.

But I don't wanna live like that anymore. I wanna be thin so they'll notice me. I wanna be thin so I can be comfortable in my own skin. I wanna be thin so I can be happy.

problem is, I can't do anything right at all.

a little bit useful

conversations with high people get you nowhere. I don't know why I even bother. all my friends are high and planning on going to the movies. I kinda wanted to go with but then they wanted to get food. I already ate too much today so I'm staying home. isn't that awful?

I filled out the application for my summer missions project. they asked if you had struggled with an eating disorder in the past 6 months. I answered no, but not in good conscience. I'm not normal, but I don't think I qualify as disordered. I don't know, actually. however I answered the question I knew I'd feel like I was lying to a priest.

I went apartment hunting with some boys from my floor who got kicked out of housing. We went all over Boston and never found a good place. But at this point they've gotta be willing to settle for good enough, amazing just isn't gonna happen.

The one guy said he was really glad I came along. "we'd have been so depressed if you weren't here to point out all the good things." I'm glad I can be a light in someone's life at least.

positive thinking

I think you were right, Judith Marie. I just need to get going. Nothing was ever solved by moping about it.(although at times moping feels like the only option.)

Only a few days until my thanksgiving break! I absolutely cannot wait to spend a few days with my family. I miss home so much and it'll be nice to be back home where I belong.

`

keep going like this

I feel like such shit. I've been sad for... I can't even count the days. I was doing so well being happy, too.

my weight is 143. meaning I've gained 10 pounds since I got here. I am such a failure. (and don't say everyone gains weight in college. I promised myself I'd lose weight. I'm not everybody.)

it's not just my looks. life is just really hard right now. I'm bullshitting my assignments and skipping class and doing all the things I know I shouldn't. my mind is so full of terrible thoughts that I can't sleep at night.

I've been to the counseling center twice. One time I walked there, looked at the door and then walked home again. The second time I opened the door, but then chickened out again and just grabbed some condoms and left. so pathetic.

pink cheeks

i ate so much
like, the entire contents of the shelves in our suite.
i came home yesterday from a nice walk and was just like "hungry...." and ate everything.
i think my suite mates are mad cause i ate all the food. lol i think i'd be mad too.
and that was like all weekend, i ate waayy too much.
so much for fasting. that only worked for like a day and a half.
and then i went to the drug store an hour ago and got laxies and diet pills. I took 2 laxies and 3 diet pills.
tomorrow's plan:

go to class

go to the gym

shower

take diet pills

go to class

get academic advising appointment

do homework

do application for summer program

work

snack

diet pills

finish homework

watch tv/hangout

go to sleep

i hate this painful nonsensical secret cycle. i binge and starve, always terrified to purge. i think to myself how terrible it is that im alone and no one knows about this disorder. but i also think im not sick, that maybe i just validation for making myself feel so disgusting. what ever's been going on, it sucks. and im not thin enough to get mental help yet. i need people to understand.

i don't think i wanna grow up.

nothing makes sense.