tis the season

Happy Holidays. or should I say Happy Junk Food Season? (I haven't been doing very well with food)

But I'm more stressed out about money than I am about the eating thing. After all, I only started tracking my money about a year ago, I've been tracking calories for 4 years now. doesn't that feel slightly sad to you? that I'm so obsessed with counting calories, but I don't care about myself enough to just lose the effing weight.

I love being home. I love my puppy and my family and the lights and my comfy bed. but I miss the city, and I miss being at college. the last month was spent smoking and drinking and sleeping around, and I want to go back to that. it was terribly unproductive, but gosh, it was fun.
also, I walk a lot less when I'm home. when I'm in the city I probably walk around two miles on the average day. here, everything is too far apart or there is no side walk, so driving is the only choice.

speaking of food

I haven't eaten a bite of anything since yesterday at 2pm. But I'm not hungry, so I'm not going to go out of my way to find something to eat.
The only reason I'm writing this here is because I feel proud. And the fact that I feel proud makes me really sad. I'm supposed to just eat when I'm hungry and try to be as healthy as possible, not find my self worth in how long I can go without food. I don't want to think about this bullshit anymore.

wednesday night party

here's the link to my other blog: Tangerine, Too.

11.12.12

Happy November to all of you here in the blogosphere, it's been a little while.

I'm writing this to remind you all (and maybe myself one day in the future) of what it feels like to be a reckless and blessed nineteen year old girl in 21st century America.

I've been drinking a lot of alcohol and smoking a lot of weed, and I voted for the very first time. While I'm at work it consumes me, while I'm with friends they're all that matter. Going to class (or not going) makes me feel guilty for not caring about what I'm learning. But I'd feel like a fool if I quit now. I need a degree and I'm at a damn good school.

I don't go to the gym, I dance and walk endless miles around this city. I don't eat well, but I throw up quite a lot. Oh, and I have a lot of sex. Does any of this count as being healthy? I don't think so.

But, gosh, isn't it great to be living! The stars don't like to live in the city, and I miss them. The point isn't that I see them each night and wonder why they're here, why I'm here, why we're all here. The point is that they are there at all and that is enough.

The world is so large and I want to see as much as I can. And I'm starting to see just how long and how short my life will be. There is a life after being a teenager, but it won't last forever.

vlog 10.24.12

just an update on my life. nothing really all that exciting.

nothing at all

all I do is sleep. I want to change the world, I want to do things with my life. but all I can do is fall into dreams and wake up melancholy.

stomach ache

I binged. not like a normal binge, either, where I just eat too much ice cream and a few cookies and some chips. no, I intentionally ate so much that I had trouble sitting up.
-full bag of chips
-a ton of water
-mango smoothie
-soup in a bread bowl from panera
-giant cookie

yeah. that's pretty close to 3,000 calories, more than I ate the last 3 days.

I don't know what happened, it was like my rational brain turned off and I went into a frenzy, eating as much as possible. it was around this time last year I started gaining weight and I simply cannot let that happen again.

I took 6 laxies just so I'll be able to go to sleep tonight. I thought about throwing up and then decided it would be bad and probably make me cry and ruin any chance of getting work done tonight. this is probably the most disgusting feeling ever.