dumb dumb dumb

OH MY EFFING GOD

I can't handle my roommates anymore. they're seriously acting like they're in eighth grade. "oh my god he totally likes me." "eww. we're over!" yeah. I'm like done.

and the worst part is that I'm starting to act like them, too. WHAT THE HELL?

I hope you're reading this post in a valley girl voice in your head, by the way. because the issues in my head are so trivial, but they are consuming me. seriously. it's bad.

in short, there are boys who live next door who are extremely dumb, but that's besides the point. what is the point is that both my roommates are hooking up with them. and complaining to me and each other about all the surrounding drama. plus the other guys who live in another building. the whole thing is really dumb and should blow over in approximately 2 point 5 seconds.

also, since this blog is supposed to be my place to talk about how fat I am, I'm really fat. like really fat. all the weight I lost in the first two weeks is back, plus more. I'm enormous and it grosses me out.

I need to start doing abs workouts or something. plus cutting out like every possible carb. and there are a lot of those, it's really bad over on this side of the Atlantic.

also I'm writing this while tipsy. oops. (whatever...)

xx jax

Last Night

I feel like I've only been writing here when I've been throwing up or taking laxies or really sad or hooked up with a guy. Totally not what my life is about, but that's the way it looks here.

That being said, I'm writing about another boy.

Last night I hooked up with a guy who has a crush on my roommate. I went to his room to hang out and drink, but we ended up just hooking up. And he's roommates with my best friend's boyfriend. So we were all four in that room just hooking up. I guess we took best friends to a whole new level. It's actually weirdly comforting to have some other couple in the room.

The guy was actually really refreshing. He was super in control, unlike most guys I've slept with. He decided what was happening when, and was trying to give me what I wanted at the same time. He was rough and pulled my hair and bit my neck. Since his roommate and my friend were there he covered my mouth when I got too noisy. And he was forceful in ways I didn't expect. I'm surprised that I'm into that sort of thing. Also he convinced me it was okay to have sex without a condom. I'm still a little worried since I'm not on birth control, but I think we're okay.

I didn't sleep at all, I just laid there, him pulling me closer each time I got a little space. Each time he stirred he would kiss me on the forehead, which was so sweet especially with how rough he is. He slept some and his roommate and my friend slept. It was nice just to lie down with my eyes closed and think. I was wishing to go to sleep but I really didn't mind.

This morning I'm just keeping quiet, trying to lay low. Honestly I'm not very good at that though. I don't like his still, I think he's kind of a douche. But last night was so good. I wouldn't mind if we just slept together sometimes.

I'm getting a lot of heat from my roommate who figured it out from a complicated series of lies, all meant to protect people from finding out who everyone really hooked up with last night. But I figure it's the pot calling the kettle black and I should just wait it out. I just wish it could all be simple.

dirty talk

After I wrote that last blog post, I took 3 strong laxatives and then went to dinner where I ate my vegetables and drank my water and moved my food around. It was depressing to know that some people can eat and feel confident that they will still be loved in the morning.

Then I told my friends I wouldn't go out with them, I was staying in to read my assignments and go to sleep early. Of course they pulled me out again with them. I always end up going out when I tell myself I won't.

The bar was fun, like usual, it was crowded and the Americans were loud and the Dutch were quiet and watchful. The boys wait for us to start talking to them and then they buy us drinks. But last night, there was one guy who actually pursued me. Like for real. As if I was actually worth the effort. I was watching his friend play the slots game, and he came over and started telling me about how he always plays and always loses. Then we flirted, which for me is basically smiling, asking questions in a higher-than-normal-pitched voice, and making eye contact when I twirl around dancing with my friends. He touched me a lot; my hair, my waist, my hands. He whispered dirty things in my ear and tried several times to buy me drinks.

One of our student affairs guys (kind of like camp counselors but for study abroad) was there buying everybody beer and shots, and this afternoon he asked me if I went home with the guy. I told him no, and the student affairs guy said, "good, they are like the lions waiting for prey."

I drank only one beer, but I threw up three times when I got home. I think it's because I mixed alcohol with the laxies. I don't know. Plus there was the normal laxies problems in the morning.

I'm still pretty sad, but I think I'm going to find new people here. I need new people, because these girls make me feel even more terrible than I already do.

immature

Is it really bratty that I'm literally living in a castle and I'm still feeling sad? yeah. I think it is.

Today I woke up feeling like I wanted to cry. And I still feel like I want to just sob. I'm surrounded by people who love me, and still I feel so alone and sad.

One of my friends here is very honest. And very full of herself. All she likes to do is get drunk and talk to boys. Last time we went out 3 different boys bought me drinks. 1 boy bought her 2 drinks, and she brags about it all the time. Once she told the story at a breakfast table, and when I added that boys had bought me drinks as well, she added "well, it's not that hard to get a guy to buy you a beer."

Anyway. Whatever, minor annoyances. Today she told me she didn't really mind where I went on travel weekend, I should go meet some new people. I started to cry, and ducked into another part of the store we were in. I knew she likes our other roommate Leah much better than me, but now I feel like she'd just rather not have me around at all.

Saying and thinking things like that are so juvenile, and I know that. But still I can't help feeling that way anyways. Maybe I'm just not mature enough to move on and be confident enough to do my own thing.

The European scale says I weigh 66 kg. That's 145, so at least I haven't gained any weight. But I want to be below 60 kg by the time I leave this place. I think this regime will start with not drinking as much alcohol and replacing some of my carbs at meals with plain black tea.

nederlands

Dutch food is weird. there is a lot of potatoes and meat for dinner, bread and cheese for lunch, and egg and toast for breakfast. plus a lot of cheese and chocolate spreads. in short, many many carbs. but luckily the portions are smaller, which makes self-control a lot simpler.

And I get to walk a lot here. At least everyday we go on a 30 minutes or more walk. It is really nice, and so scenic!

this is me in my hat and coat

these are pictures of the castle I live in

an almost kiss

My friend and I have this tradition. When ever we're home for break from college, we choose a night and hang out. We park out cars in a parking lot near a shopping center and just walk around the block for hours. It's one of my favorite parts of school vacations.

Last night, he texted me and we met at our usual spot. I was so happy to see him and we talked about a lot of  things, as usual. We like to mix important issues with really really silly things. that's one of the many parts of our friendship that I love.

We ended up holding hands and dancing this time, which felt natural and fun. All night we had been flirting, but it's always that way between us. We're always touching and play fighting and messing around. And then he looked at me funny, and asked if it would be okay if he kissed me. I said no.

A little back story. In high school, we were really good friends. We had most of the same classes and were always together on group projects. Plus, our last names are close alphabetically, so we were always seated together and put in the same home room.

By the middle of ninth grade, I already had a huge crush on him. I even wrote him a letter confessing my crush, but I never sent it. He had several girlfriends and flings and whatever else, and they never ended well. See, when he likes a girl, they become his whole world. Of anyone I know, I think he is the person that loves people with the most passion and devotion. But then quick as it started, he loses interest or she does, and it's over. Sometimes, it was really hard to watch, cause for a little while after he seemed a little heartbroken. 

I was ugly in high school. I was chubby and I didn't know how to dress or do my hair or make-up. I said all the wrong things and was either stone quiet and sad or hyperactive and spazzy. Basically, not the type of girl that guys would get a crush on. 

I didn't say no rudely, I don't think. I looked at him and paused, and then I said, very gently, "I don't think that's a very good idea." Then he quickly said, "it's just something that I regret not doing in high school."

Part of me thinks that he only said that to save his ego, that he really does like me, and me saying no hurt him. But the other part of me believes him, that at some point he did return the feelings I had for him then.

There are a lot of reasons I said no to that kiss. He had just broken up with his girl friend (who actually sort of looks like me, except she's prettier) and we're both leaving to study abroad this week. And he's in ROTC, a whole other bundle of issues. The biggest reason, though, is it would have made our friendship a bit awkward. Of course there's this question in my mind still, that maybe it would have been fine. Maybe I should have just been braver and just kissed him.

But considering his track record with girls, I think it's better that I didn't. That way if we both really do like each other down the road, we'll have a real shot at a relationship. And I would love that more than anything.

21 day habbit

it takes 21 days to make a habbit. I want the habbit of only eating when I'm hungry. And I want it to be only healthy foods, no carbs. but doesn't that sound impossible?

I have a problem where if I think of a food I can't get it out of my head until I get to eat it. and the food can be decided by anything- a commercial, passing by a certain window, a book. it doesn't really matter, that food becomes the finish line and I will do anything to get there. a few days ago that food was these chips I saw in the grocery store. I went in to buy trail mix, but I saw these chips and literally couldn't leave the store without them. rationally, I was telling myself to put them back and go do something to distract myself. but I couldn't help it.

this feeling happens with other things as well, like taking a nap or getting to a certain place or having a certain item of clothing. it's like a tunnel vision. that's the only thing I want and I need to have it. and if I don't get whatever I wanted I get really sad, like I wasted the whole day or week because I didn't have this one thing or experience.

I want to get rid of this tendency. I would like to just eat when I'm hungry, eat healthy food, and not be obsessive over it. this way I can get back to doing other things. I won't have to battle in the kitchen, I can just kick ass in the gym, lose a ton of weight, and be really fucking happy.