I eat too much

today-

2 eggs scrambled (204)

oj (84)

4 popsicles (4x40=160)

apple (95x3=285)

green beans (17)

grilled chicken (200)

bbq sauce (70)

grilled shrimp (100)

grilled red potato (65)

milk (2x83= 166)

biking (-135)

total= 1216

Okay so I thought that was all going to add up to a lot more than it did. And it actually looks healthier than I feel like I was today. So that's a relief, sort of. Besides the barbecue sauce and the oj, it's actually not that bad.

I had an idea. I recently cut my hair short (I simultaneously hate and love it) and I was thinking that if by the time my hair is to my elbow again I am not under 120, I'll donate all the money I have saved to some dreadful organization like the Westboro Baptists or something. 

I spent the majority of the day laying around, both inside and outside, listening to an audiobook about a depresses admissions officer at Princeton. It was both a boring book and one that made me really sad. I'm now reading Sisterland by Curtis Sittenfeld. She is my favorite author but so far I am not all that impressed by this book. I'm almost 100 pages in and I don't really feel much of anything for any of the characters.

I'm bored. Really bored. And I don't have the energy to arrange to see my friends. It's far too inconvenient. I really should though, because otherwise I'll get no practice at staying in touch when I'm a busy and boring adult.

Please can summer be over so I can go back to college?

happy summer

Today is the official start of summer. In two ways, actually. It's the first day of summer on the calendar as yesterday was the summer solstice. Also, yesterday was the day my brother graduated from High School and my little sister finished her sophomore year. Now is the beginning of their summer.

I, on the other hand, am almost to the half-way point of my summer. I've been home since mid-April and I'm dying slowly of missing my friends. Of course a lot of this could be fixed by communication, but I'm bad at that and afraid of rejection.

All day I've been lying in bed, listening to an audio book and shopping online. I need to go outside and enjoy the weather but I am lazy. All I really want to do is get high with my boyfriend. But at least I finally got around to tie-dying a white cotton dress I bought that was too transparent. Even with good beige underwear you could see everything. Not the best look, exactly.

I think I'm going to go lift weights and do push-ups until my arms fall off and then buy tanning oil and lie on a towel. Sounds like the perfect recipe for becoming Michelle Obama to me.

Ciao.

let's think about this diet thing

I've started exercising again. I go running and then come home and do crunches and lunges and squats. I don't hate it, but I don't feel the most motivation to do it. It's just... ugh. I still weigh 142. I was 139 at some point, but that only lasted like 3 days. I was 145 when I got back from Europe, and now I weigh in pretty consistently 142.something.

But what really needs the most attention is my diet. I'm addicted to sugar and salt. I need to cook more of my own food so I'll have more time to think through what I'm going to put in my body. You are what you eat and I'm a load of shit.

On the up side, I got a nice sun burn yesterday before it started to rain. My shoulders and stomach are a nice uncomfortable pink. I'm hoping this leads to some sort of base color. lol. Who am I kidding? We all know I'll be this shade of white forever.

Well. Time to go do some jumping jacks in the garage. We had pizza for dinner and I had too many m&m's (which are like the most sneaky and terrible candy in the universe. I hate them. But I also love them.)

June is half done

I think he likes me the way I am, but there are all those little comments. Am I being too sensitive, or is he trying to subtly tell me I need to lose weight? Either way it's really bothering me.

My weight has stayed the same since I returned from Europe. I need to commit to some sort of diet plan so I can kick into weight loss mode. Maybe I'll pick up a running hobby or something. I dunno, something like that would be nice.

Can you believe we're about half way finished with the month of June? It's always the month that moves most quickly for me.

uncomfortable ramblimgs

Emma Watson is 5'4 and weighs 110 pounds. This means her BMI is 18.9. I am 5'2, so if I wanted to be the same BMI as Emma, I'd have to be 103.5 pounds.

Could you imagine if I looked like Emma? I'd be so much more beautiful if I could only become more like her.

I went to Planned Parenthood yesterday where I was tested for all these diseases and given a script for birth control. I plan to start it today so that it'll start working as soon as possible.

I'm worried that I'm changing myself too much for this guy I'm seeing. He convinced me to cut my hair, something I had no desire to do. He also convinced me to go on birth control, another thing I didn't want. I also smoke far more than I used to and speak in a way I never have before.

Am I that silly girl who changes shape just to fit in someone's arms a little more comfortably? Sadly, I'll happily answer 'yes' if it means I end up under 130 pounds by July.

today:
2 pancakes (440)
1 glass oj (112)
30 minutes bike ride (-101)

I got my haircut on Saturday, about 8 inches off. Then I wasn't happy with it, it was an awkward length. So this afternoon I cut more off. But I'm not sure if I like it.

This morning I weighed in at 141.4. It's so frustrating that only 3 days ago I was at 139.4. Why does my weiht have to bounce around like this? Why can't it just go steadily downwards like I want it to?

Lonely

I'm with this guy. He's really sweet to me and constantly tells me how beautiful I am. It's wonderful to be around him. But on Saturday night we had sex without a condom and he didn't pull out. I was so freaked out! He was totally nice and took me to get the morning after pill. I almost cried when I took it, it just felt so wrong and terrible.

He feels bad, like it's his fault. But really it's both of our faults and I don't blame him at all. Despite that, I still feel terrible, and the worry over getting pregnant is making me crazy. I know there's almost no chance but... you know. It's still scary.

I wish it weren't true, but the whole ordeal makes me feel extremely lonely. I don't really have people I want to talk to about it, and I feel awful telling the guy. I don't want him to feel guilty. I scheduled an appointment with planned parenthood, but I'm scared to go. What if it's really scary there? I'm so nervous.

The one great thing about all this is that I'm eating less and I've gotten down to the 130's again, the first time I've seen those numbers since 2011. I'm hoping by July I'll be solidly in the 120's. I know that sounds slow to you guys, but I've always been slow to lose, even with lots of diet and exercise.

Wish me luck, lovelies.

Don't judge

Did I mention that I've taken up smoking cigarettes? I never really smoked, except when drunk before I went to Europe. Then it was just always around so I just kind of assimilated. I wasn't like a peer pressure thing, it just felt socially right.

Anyway. I smoke around a pack every two or three weeks, which is like less than 1 a day. Though most of the time I don't smoke unless I'm at work on my break with my coworkers or out with this guy I like who smokes. (Side note: smoking after sex is like, the best thing ever. I don't know why even non-smokers don't just exclusively smoke after having sex. It's the best high in the world, smoking and melting into each other in the after-glow. It's magic.)

I'm hoping its going to help me in this new anti-carb regime. Whenever I get that crazy binge feeling, I just go have a quick smoke, and it mostly clears up. I'm also trying chewing gum and hot tea, but smoking has been most effective.

Basically, I need to pull out all the stops if I want to look hot in a Halloween costume this year.