fruit fast

Fat Piggy suggested a fruit fast this morning. I'm really excited to join her on this. Peaches, plums, and nectarines are all in season here on the east coast, and I'm going picking this afternoon. But I'm making it a fruit/veg fast because I'm also excited about the zucchini, tomatoes, corn, and peppers that are almost ready in my backyard garden. It's going to be such a good week for feeling healthy and losing weight.

I worked 30 hours on my feet in the last 3 days. It was SO exhausting. I don't think I can do another weekend like that one again. It was constant running around, waitressing is always tiring, but this weekend was a total drain.

The good thing about that is that I woke up this afternoon (yes, I slept until 1pm, a full 13 hours of sleep) to 141.2. I am so happy about this number! I was 144 on Thursday and ate total crap all weekend. I never eat when I working so the past three nights I've come home and eaten a couple bowls of cereal and then a few spoons of pb straight from the jar. Eating at midnight is horrible for you, but I was the type of hungry that prevents you from falling asleep. That and I was so emotional from being yelled at all day that I had zero self-control.

I think I'd like to go swim laps today. I need to find a pool with a reasonable guest admission rate. Who do these snotty bitches think they are, charging $15 for a few hours in their pool?

Thanks, Portia

I read Portia di Rossi's Unbearable Lightness last week. I read it in only two days; it was an amazing. In the epilogue she talked about how she finally healed and recovered and how diets don't work. Feeling deprived always makes you want to binge. So now she has this radical eating plan- she just eats whatever the hell she wants. If she feels like ice cream, then she eats it. If ice cream sounds too sweet or too cold, she doesn't. She eats healthy because it makes her feel good.

So I think that's what I'm going to do. I've been counting calories on my ipod since 2009. And I am still at almost the same weight I was then. Obviously it's done me no good. I'm trying to choose the foods that will make me feel my best, and not think about the calories.

It's really hard though. At work yesterday I caught my image in the mirror and started to cry. I look so disgustingly huge. So I went into the bathroom to sob and count up everything I'd eaten that day. It was awful and sent my head spinning off to that self-loathing, number-crunching place it always goes.

But this is going to be good for me. The control freak in me is screaming that I'm losing weeks of data. That I should keep tallying my calories simply because I always have and having that much data is comforting.

Another big thing in my life is that I broke up with my boyfriend. I've never been dumped or really broken up with anyone, it's always been that we come to a mutual decision that the relationship is not working or there is some obstacle in the way of us being together, like one of us moving 6 hours away. But this time I broke up with him. He cried and I felt bad. And then I cried when he was gone and called him to apologize and asking if I was too harsh.

I feel empty now. I didn't realize that breaking up with someone is so hard. The thing I have to keep reminding myself of is that I never was really in love with him. I was in love with having someone to see all the time, having someone to claim me as his, and I was in love with the physicality of it. But he himself I was never in love with. Does that sound awful? So I have to keep reminding myself that I don't miss him, I miss being in a relationship. Someone else, someone I like, is bound to come along. Right?

try again

I went running on my high school's track this afternoon and it rained so much that my socks were full of water and my shirt was soaked through. I only ended up running for 20 minutes, but I guess that's better than nothing. I wish I had endurance and will power enough to be a real runner. I'm such a gross lump, the opposite of a beautiful graceful runner.

I'm trying to cut out gluten. Which is hard, cause I pretty much live on bread and bagels. (Which is why I am so absolutely disgusting)

b- greek yogurt, wheat germ (140)
l- raspberries, walnuts (223)
s- cheese stick, green goodness smoothie (340)

Thing is once I get myself stuck on "eating healthy" like this I tend to let it consume me. All I can do is watch the clock and wait for the next time I'm allowed to eat or supposed to exercise. I turn it into this awful overly-structured nightmare for myself.

But I just have to get to Sunday. I need to stay under 1000 each day until then and hopefully that'll get my weight under 139. On Sunday night I'm going to see a friend who I haven't seen in a while in Philadelphia. I missed him a lot, so I was really happy to get the invitation.

It's not that 3 pounds is going to show or anything, I'm not stupid. I'd just like to be able to think to myself a number in the 130's and not the 140's like I have been all summer.

After that goal, I have another. By the time July is over I want to be officially in the "normal" BMI range and weigh under 136. The goal after that is another 6 pounds in August, so that I'll be 129.something on move-in day for my new apartment.

I know I make this goal list constantly. Even with the same goal dates (130 by school, 125 by Halloween, 118 by New Year's.) But I'm breaking it up even smaller this time. And I feel like I can really do it. Just as long as there are no big disasters, anyway.

stuff

I have too much stuff. I'm looking around my room and thinking about all the crap I hold onto. I don't even use most of it. What the fuck?

But if I get rid of it I'll just replace it with something else useless. When I move into my apartment this fall I'm going to try to bring only the essentials. I don't need clutter filling up my new life. But ah! I'm such a material girl! How can I live without 6 types of mascara and boxes of unopened bic pens?

That whole minimalist life is so enticing. Thing is, I'm no good at it. I love my things, and I constantly think about getting more things. Maybe I just need a better organization strategy.

Also. I've been working a fair amount this summer and I still haven't saved up that much money. I spend way too quickly. Especially since I haven't even been seeing people. I've just been compulsively shopping. And goodness only knows why. I'm too fat to be buying dresses and shorts.

Speaking of. I've been the same weight all summer. This fucking sucks. And I'll probably write that exact same thing in another month, which sucks even more.

brb. I'm going for a run now.

lets just lie in bed all day

let's just lie in bed all day
watch movies
talk about nothing

let me kiss every inch of you
breathe you in
entwine myself in your fingers

let the phone ring
don't answer the door
the emails can wait

let's just lie in bed all day
twist up the sheets
whisper to me secret dreams

Different than I am

Food is my secret but it shows all over me. I eat as my secret splurge, in the same way I go clothes shopping. I don't know why I've always had it in my head that what and how much you eat is a private matter, much the same as your bank account or your sex life.

I'm a glutton. I lust after salt and doughy carbs and sugar. Changing this fact about me would be similar to changing my name. But I want that. I want to be different than I am. I want to ignore bad foods, pass them up and not then focus on them, longing for minutes or hours or days until I can finally eat them. I want food to let up its grip on me.

Lately I've been exercising more. I run and bike and swim. I go on walks with my dog each evening. But I need to be more regular in my efforts, and maybe then I'll lose weight the way I did in high school when I ran track. Is it possible without the motivation and strict scheduling of a team?

This holiday weekend I'm not working, I'm with my cousins in the mountains. We've been walking and swimming, but we're eating holiday foods. grilled cheese, chicken and corn, bagels, chips and hummus.  And all the while my health-freak aunt is commenting on weight, giving me glances as if she knows she's hurting me but is deciding to say these things anyway.

I eat too much

today-

2 eggs scrambled (204)

oj (84)

4 popsicles (4x40=160)

apple (95x3=285)

green beans (17)

grilled chicken (200)

bbq sauce (70)

grilled shrimp (100)

grilled red potato (65)

milk (2x83= 166)

biking (-135)

total= 1216

Okay so I thought that was all going to add up to a lot more than it did. And it actually looks healthier than I feel like I was today. So that's a relief, sort of. Besides the barbecue sauce and the oj, it's actually not that bad.

I had an idea. I recently cut my hair short (I simultaneously hate and love it) and I was thinking that if by the time my hair is to my elbow again I am not under 120, I'll donate all the money I have saved to some dreadful organization like the Westboro Baptists or something. 

I spent the majority of the day laying around, both inside and outside, listening to an audiobook about a depresses admissions officer at Princeton. It was both a boring book and one that made me really sad. I'm now reading Sisterland by Curtis Sittenfeld. She is my favorite author but so far I am not all that impressed by this book. I'm almost 100 pages in and I don't really feel much of anything for any of the characters.

I'm bored. Really bored. And I don't have the energy to arrange to see my friends. It's far too inconvenient. I really should though, because otherwise I'll get no practice at staying in touch when I'm a busy and boring adult.

Please can summer be over so I can go back to college?