little thoughts

I'm having one of those moments. Right now the world looks like an uphill journey towards nothing. My dream was to be a big-shot reporter. But I can't report anything. I'm not good enough, I can't work hard enough, I don't have the necessary qualities. I've never written or created anything worth a second look. Whatever made me think I could amount to anything was a lunatic idea.

The depression is back. It's back for sure, stronger than I remember. But it's always stronger than I remember.

I wish I could stop blaming myself for all the ways I'm failing to fix my own problems. I wish I could turn off logic and perfectionism for a little while.

Today and yesterday I ate incredible quantities of food. I didn't purge any of it. I'm going to look so fat and hideous in my misery. I make a decent melodramatic at least. (that last bit was meant to be a joke, I hope I got some laughs.)

reduce me

I sobbed so hard and so loud that my roommate heard me from the other room. She hugged me and said it's okay. But it isn't okay. Everything fucking hurts. I just want to fucking break things, I want to punch things. I want to get in a fight with someone and win. I want to cause as much pain as I'm feeling right now. Maybe this is how people feel just before they do the stupidest thing they've ever done.

I'm binging terribly this week. Which also means I'm spending far too much time with my fingers in the back of my mouth, my eyes red and crying, my stomach aching. I hate this so much, it's gotta be some sort of punishment for something I did in a past life. Or a punishment for something I did in this life, Lord knows I've done enough terrible things.

bruised

The thing I never understood about self-harming was how a person could actually commit and make themselves hurt so much. It's the numbness, I know that now. When everything hurts so bad that you can't even feel anything anymore. Then you just need a shock to the system, something to force the tears out.

Rationally, inevitably, the sun will rise tomorrow and trees will grow taller, rivers will keep running. The world is so much bigger than me and my little crisis. The world is a big, beautiful place and I am just a small part of it. I am just another beautiful little piece of the universe. And when all the sadness is gone, I'll still be here, and the world will keep on spinning. I can go out and do things bigger than myself, this is all going to end okay.

But right now I'm hurting. When the train is coming, I have to keep my eyes averted so I don't think too much about what it would feel like to jump onto the tracks. And when I'm using a sharp kitchen knife, I try not to consider the temptation of an easy slice down my forearm.

cheers

Ladies, in honor of my new fake ID (Illinois in case you were wondering) I'd like to propose a toast. This toast is for all of us, the crazy ones, obsessed with food. This is for knowing how much you weighed this morning, and just before you last went to the bathroom, and just after, too, and to looking forward each morning to seeing the little number drop lower and lower. Here's to freakish knowledge of calories and nutritional content. Here's to purging with the shower running, having cut up knuckles and short finger nails. I honestly don't know how I could have survived the last few years without the support I get from this blog, so thank you- from the bottom of my heart.  Cheers to us, the girls who drink wine out of measuring cups.

on and on

The less you eat, the less you have to purge. It's a nice way to look at things when all you can think about is food and the lack of it. At least when I'm hungry my legs start to feel thinner, my thighs look just a little smaller in my dark-wash jeans that used to be too tight. Though I'm sure they're only looser from wearing them so much, it would take more than 5 pounds to make a real difference.

All weekend with my family I focused on staying away from food as much as possible. I ate only when others were eating, and ate in small quantities (mostly, I had too much pizza for lunch on Friday.) Everything that wasn't under 200 calories I purged. Of course I can never get everything back up, but I'm getting better at it. Practice makes perfect, they say.

On the drive home today I almost threw up from car sickness. So we stopped for hamburgers, a logical solution to my brother and my dad. They both had the burgers, I had a grilled cheese and cream soda, full calories. I got most of it up, but didn't want to take too long in the bathroom. Then my dad and I went to see the Hobbit. I had some popcorn during the pre-views and purged that, too. The rest of the movie I drank my diet coke and chewed winter fresh chewing gum. I used to hate diet coke, but now it makes me feel like a true girl-on-a-diet. The fake sugar and carbonation feel like such a rush.

I've been reading The Passion of Alice by Stephanie Grant, another eating disorder book, this one set in a recovery unit in 1984. The book is funny because you never know much about the narrator, mostly about her relationships with the other patients. No one's inner thoughts are discussed in too much detail, it's mostly about their actions and interactions. The book is okay, but I don't think I'll ever read it again.

I changed the passcode on my phone to my next goal weight. Every time I want to use my cell phone I get a little reminder of how much weight I have to lose. So far I think it's helping.

As if it mattered

I need an ana friend to text, someone to talk to when all I can think about is ed-related things. Like someone I could tell when I'm worried my roommate could hear me purging, or when I'm proud of myself for staying under my goal intake. comment if you'd like to, or message me somehow.

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Finally had that appointment with the therapist. She was nice, but it still feels really weird to pay for someone to talk to. I don't think I like the idea of therapy, but I won't quit it yet. If I quit it now it would seem like I wasn't trying.

So may people know about my issues. All the roommates, my friends David, Matt, Sara, and probably a bunch of people I don't even realize. Everyone has such a huge mouth, including me. As if life is complicated enough and we don't already have enough to talk about without adding the drama of an eating disorder.

It's been weeks since a day when I didn't purge or didn't eat under 800 calories. My weight dropped 9 pounds in 4 days when I did the GM, I was briefly at 135, then went back up to 139, and now I'm going down again. Today I woke up to 137.5.  I'm going home to Pennsylvania today, flying in the evening. Then it's four days of family time, but I hope there's enough exercise and noise and distraction that I'll be under 136 when I arrive back. Under 135 is the dream, but I don't want to disappoint myself.

Last night was another big discussion with my roommate. I just started crying to her, I don't know what possessed me to tell her anything. The more I tell her, the more she worries. She cried because I cried, then we were both in her blankets whispering about life. I love her so much, and I wish my problem would go away so it wouldn't be her problem anymore. But I don't want to get better, I just want to lose weight.

meandering

I read in a few books about this behavior of bulimics. They wander the city, looking for the food that will satisfy them. They eat and eat, purging everything. They have to wander around because they are too embarrassed for anyone too see them eating too much in any one place. I do that. I do that all the time. I did it today, I think I spent over $40 today on food that ended up in the toilet. Such a colossal waste.

Tomorrow I have my appointment with a therapist. I've been waiting for this appointment for weeks, the woman seems very nice. I think if it weren't tomorrow I might burst. Someone besides me and this blog needs to know about this hell inside my head. I spent all day slightly worried that I might start crying and blabbing to a stranger on the street.

In the same area I have my current job I'm applying to a few different restaurants. I have an interview tomorrow at one of them and I'm waiting to hear back from the others. I also have a phone interview tomorrow with a news company that might pay me to actually use my skills in journalism. wahoo!

My face looks ridiculously round and fat, especially when I'm wearing lots winter gear.