I need an ana friend to text, someone to talk to when all I can think about is ed-related things. Like someone I could tell when I'm worried my roommate could hear me purging, or when I'm proud of myself for staying under my goal intake. comment if you'd like to, or message me somehow.
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Finally had that appointment with the therapist. She was nice, but it still feels really weird to pay for someone to talk to. I don't think I like the idea of therapy, but I won't quit it yet. If I quit it now it would seem like I wasn't trying.
So may people know about my issues. All the roommates, my friends David, Matt, Sara, and probably a bunch of people I don't even realize. Everyone has such a huge mouth, including me. As if life is complicated enough and we don't already have enough to talk about without adding the drama of an eating disorder.
It's been weeks since a day when I didn't purge or didn't eat under 800 calories. My weight dropped 9 pounds in 4 days when I did the GM, I was briefly at 135, then went back up to 139, and now I'm going down again. Today I woke up to 137.5. I'm going home to Pennsylvania today, flying in the evening. Then it's four days of family time, but I hope there's enough exercise and noise and distraction that I'll be under 136 when I arrive back. Under 135 is the dream, but I don't want to disappoint myself.
Last night was another big discussion with my roommate. I just started crying to her, I don't know what possessed me to tell her anything. The more I tell her, the more she worries. She cried because I cried, then we were both in her blankets whispering about life. I love her so much, and I wish my problem would go away so it wouldn't be her problem anymore. But I don't want to get better, I just want to lose weight.
Therapy can be incredibly awkward at first, but it's definitely worth sticking it out for at least a few sessions. You never know, it might be a little less weird once you get to know her better.
ReplyDelete9lbs in four days is a lot, even if some of it was water weight. Good luck at home. Setting achievable goals, even if you wish for more, is always the best way to go.
Take care xx
girl, if i lost nine pounds in four days, i'd be the happiest camper in the hundred acre woods. family time sounds like fun. i just hope it is fun. four days can be a long time.
ReplyDeletei'm sorry about the situation with your roommate. i'm like that with banana. we worry about each other while trying to be thinner than the other. speaking of friends, you can text me. even if it's only to help cheer you up, i said i'm here for you. (and actions speak louder, right?) drop it off next time you pass by. take care of yourself, amiga xx
okay jax. your book list is ready.
Deletethe unabridged journals of sylvia plath are amazing. as well as perfect, by natasha friend, and insatiable by eve eliot. the stone girl is one i have on my kindle, so i don't know if it's in paperback form (although it probably is), and it's by alyssa sheinmel. dreamland, by sarah dessen is another amazing book. i'd recommend blood and chocolate by annette curist klause just because it's been one of my favorite books since i was twelve. i can't think of any *great* historical fiction right now. but when i go through my booklist and find some, i'll let you know. enjoy, girlie! xx
Thank you thank you thank you for the book list!! I actually just finished the stone girl a few weeks ago. I liked it, even if it was a step back to the horror of high school. I can't wait to pick up some of these books, haha I'll probably start with whichever one my library has on the shelves. thank you!!!
Deletei really loved sethie, probably because of her odd relationships with everyone. i can relate to that. and you're welcome! i know it took a while, but i just wanted to make sure i picked ones i thought you'd really enjoy. :)
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