Happy New Year my dear readers!! I'm so glad it's an even numbered year again, though 2013 was very good to me. I don't really want to list accomplishments or summarize anything, but I'd be happy if I had another year like this one. I want to keep moving forward, to keep gaining the things I want and leaving behind the things I don't need in my life.
Today marks the 4th day of the GM diet. Yesterday was a really hard day. I woke up at 6am because my heart was racing and my stomach hurt. I got up and my legs were shaking, I got scared of what might happen so I ate an apple and a clementine. I immediately felt nauseous, but I thought it would pass. About 15 minutes late I had to leap out of bed to try to make it to the trashcan, but everything ended up on the floor.
What's funny is that I make myself throw up often, but when it happens naturally it hurts way more. My throat hurts less but everything else feels like an acid burn. The rest of the day I ate 6 clementines (210) and a whole jar of peaches in white grape juice (400) which is somehow the most calories I've eaten in three days.
The shaking hands and hazy thoughts have been worth it if you look at just the scale. I weighed 144 on the morning of day 1, 138.5 on the mornings of the two days after that, and this morning I weighed 135. One of my benchmark weights is 136, which is the high end of the "normal" bmi range for my height (5'2). It's sad that I'm still aiming to be normal after all these years of struggling. I should have made it to the bottom end of that range by now.
normal bmi range: 18.5-24.9
136 lbs- 24.9
101lbs- 18.5
I have this 35 pound ideal range I need to be within medically. But emotionally I want to be the weight that makes me feel light and pretty and worth wanting. I don't know what that is yet, but I'm going to keep dieting and burning calories until I find it. I wish that my weight didn't determine my worth, but it does. It plays into almost every part of my life- getting hired, keeping a job, finding a boyfriend, making new friends, being liked. Fat people have a hard time doing anything worthwhile in a world like this.
And now I'll make that list of New Year's resolutions:
-to be 121 by my 21st birthday
-go on a roadtrip
-travel out of the country
-make a film/radio piece I'm proud of
-get a killer internship or job prospect
-listen to more live music
-volunteer
-spend less money on silly things
-call my grandparents more often
Hi, I'm Bella, I've just started following your blog :)
ReplyDeleteThe GM diet seems really similar to the cabbage soup diet. I hope you feel better today, yesterday sounds like it was awful.
I saw a few posts back that you were taking a tolerance break from smoking. Do you find breaks easier when you're following a diet plan? Sometimes I find breaks easier when I'm following a strict diet plan, but it also makes the days pass quicker with less food if I keep smoking, so it's a catch 22.
Good luck with your goals. Take care xx
hey Bella, I was reading your blog earlier today, thanks for the follow!
DeleteIt's been surprisingly easy to take this break considering the volume and frequency I was smoking over the past few months. I think it's been easier to take the break while on this diet because I'm in a complete restrict mindset. I haven't been thinking about spending money (which I'm always thinking about, I want so many things) while on this diet. In my head it's been just "as little of everything as possible." But I can see why you'd want the distraction from food, and it certainly would have helped with the headaches.
happy new year, jax <3 i apologize for not commenting your last few blog posts. you know i'm always here for you, though. i think you've got pretty great new year's resolutions. i hope they all happen! you can do it :) xx
ReplyDeletesending lots of sparkly new years hugs your way ~~