I'm having one of those moments. Right now the world looks like an uphill journey towards nothing. My dream was to be a big-shot reporter. But I can't report anything. I'm not good enough, I can't work hard enough, I don't have the necessary qualities. I've never written or created anything worth a second look. Whatever made me think I could amount to anything was a lunatic idea.
The depression is back. It's back for sure, stronger than I remember. But it's always stronger than I remember.
I wish I could stop blaming myself for all the ways I'm failing to fix my own problems. I wish I could turn off logic and perfectionism for a little while.
Today and yesterday I ate incredible quantities of food. I didn't purge any of it. I'm going to look so fat and hideous in my misery. I make a decent melodramatic at least. (that last bit was meant to be a joke, I hope I got some laughs.)
I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so low. Please don't give up on your dream. You can learn how to report and develop the necessary qualities. We aren't born with the inbuilt ability to do these dream jobs, but you can get there one day, I promise you. I used to do a lot of writing before my ED, and there's an old saying that you have to write one million words of crap before you're able to write something publishable.
ReplyDeleteI know it seems like there's nothing on top of the hill, but after you get there, there's always a downhill journey, and there will be something at the end. Depression is strong, and not everyone makes it through, but it is possible.
I hope this awful feeling passes soon. You're worth it <3 xxxx