I can't sleep anymore. Every morning since I began this diet I wake up still thinking about frightening dreams, stomach grumbling, eyes hurting, legs weak. And to make it worse my weight went up since yesterday morning. I feel crushed, but I know I deserve this.
jan.1 intake:
b- 2 bananas, 1c strawberries, black tea (256)
l- 1 fruit leather (45)
d- "cauliflower pizza" (314)
s- 2 fl oz. red wine, 2 clementines (120)
Using the excuse of "feeling sick" doesn't work if you use it too often. I was "sick" on NYE, and I know my roommate would ask questions if I tried to use it again. She was excited about cooking dinner and eating all together last night, so I relented. We made "cauliflower pizza," I put another handful of mozzarella cheese, a 1/4c of pizza sauce, and 5 turkey pepperonis on mine. It was surprisingly low-calorie, but it wasn't allowed on the GM diet plan. yesterday was supposed to be bananas, milk, and vegetable soup. I could only rationalize the total change in plan by taking a two hour walk in the freezing cold on Carson Beach on the south shore. (I'd never been there before, I can't wait to go back in the summer.)
But this morning I weighed more than yesterday morning so I know that I was wrong to stray from the plan. I ate over 700 calories, double what I ate in the first two days. As a fix, I ate nothing today, just water and black tea. I'm head-spinning hungry, I'm wondering when my will is going to break and the binge will happen.
Clearly with today's fast, I'm not on the GM diet today. It was supposed to be beef and tomatoes, but I don't like either of those foods. So tomorrow I'm going to have brown rice sushi and fruit, and maybe a salad or something if I end up going out to eat with my roommate's parents like we planned a while ago.
This is so sad. I can't keep focusing all my energy on what I eat. It's so self-defeating. No one is ever happy if all they can think about is finding their own happiness. When you shift focus away from yourself and onto doing things for others, that's where happiness lies. But selfishness is my downfall, and right now this desire for self-perfection is a fire in me.
I'm really keen to try cauliflower pizza, since I've heard so much about it. On the rare chance I do pizzas, I have a wholemeal pizza dough recipe that I love, and roll the bases reeeeeeally thin. Add some tomato paste, lean meat, herbs and spices, low fat cheese and it's really quite light. I've bookmarked that recipe though, and might try it for a bread alternative.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear the scales got to you so much. If it's any consolation, it's just the weight of the extra food waiting to digest. I'd think the gain would gone away on it's own, even if you didn't fast today. Please try to stay safe while fasting. Take it easy, and please have a little juice or something sugary if you start to feel faint.
Take care
xx