When someone even brings up the idea of food, I start to get nervous. My life this week surprisingly and quickly dissolved into a full-bodied obsession with food and the lack of it.
I starved sunday to thursday, eating under 2,000 calories spread over all five days. Then yesterday and today I had two massive binges. I spent a large number of hours eating and throwing up, my throat is raw and burned. My stomach hurts, my head is aching, I feel like total shit. But it's like it wasn't me who did it. I was on autopilot, just a rational little robot inhaling food and vomiting it back out again. If I keep purging this often, (today I lost count at 4 times) it's going to start to show. A little blood actually came out an hour ago, I think maybe I scratched my tonsils with my finger nail. And my face is puffy, blood vessels in my face are broken, my hands always smell faintly of vomit.
This isn't what I want. I don't want to choose between eating nothing and everything. I don't want to rip myself to shreds. I just lost control, and I'm not sure how I'm going to get it back before these food problems destroy my life.
Today, I remember sitting and eating something, I don't know what, and crying alone in the dark. I was all alone in the house, no one could stop me from eating everything and from retching violently hour after hour. I was crying and wishing that someone would walk in, that somebody will come and save me. But I don't really think anyone will be able to save me. I have to do it myself, and I'm too pathetic to accomplish that task.
jackie, darling, please be careful. blood is not okay. ever. never ever ever. i know habits are silly things, the way they pop up whether or not you expect them to. just try to be careful.
ReplyDeleteremember that whenever you need someone to talk to, just let me know. i can actually be quite helpful sometimes.
i totally understand how you feel, with food being the elephant in the room. (of course, i'd be the other elephant in the room, but that's another story.) i actually made soup on friday, for saturday. i wanted to share it with my friends, because some of them were sick. it took me so long to figure out whether or not i could actually eat my own soup, that by the time i did eat some, everyone else had been finished for a while. and then i told one of my friends i needed to go for a walk. immediately. it was fairly pathetic. but that elephant, it's hard to ignore. whatever else happens, just take care of yourself.
seriously. blood is not okay, friend. love you, jax <3 xx