how do I keep ending up here?

Back in Pennsylvania again. Got back from Colombia at the end of June and after only a few weeks at home I'm already feeling kind of stir-crazy. I have a job waitressing at a restaurant across the street from my house. I don't have any friends in the area. I feel lost and worthless and stupid.

I weigh 143 again. Almost 15 pounds up from my low last August. Getting lots of motivation from my fitbit and the new pokemon go app to go outside and gain steps, but I need to get my food intake under control. I'm bored and smoking too much pot and lonely so all I want lately is to hide in a dark place and eat sweet things and chips for hours. I know sugar is enemy #1, but I'm so addicted to it, I can't stop. I just love sugar so much.

Today:

coffee with half and half

sweet cream iced coffee from starbucks (currently sitting in starbucks writing this and a few cover letters for internships I probably won't get because I'm not a student. I wasted so much fucking time while I was in school earning money when I should have been earning experience. I'm such a dumbass.)

walked around the park where my sister runs a day camp to find pokeballs and hunt new pokemon. feel like a nerd but I love it.

cried in the kitchen because I feel so trapped and like my life is being wasted while I sit in my house and do nothing and get fat.

I need to find some new resolved for my diet so at least I can lose weight while I'm home with nothing else to do. Get back into exercise videos and become vegan or something.

downward spiral

I thought I was a perfect applicant. They were practically begging people to apply. But I got rejected. The fact that there was a video part of the application makes me think maybe they didn't want me because I'm not pretty.

When am I going to stop doubting myself so much that I prohibit myself from actually accomplishing anything? I'm freaking out about my future and the fact that I have no job and no place to live come June. I don't even know which continent I'd like to live on once this contract is up. But yet I can't bring myself to even apply to any jobs or programs or schools because I feel like absolutely nobody will want to hire me. Or even let me volunteer with their organization. Because I'm uninteresting and dumb and have no skills and I'm not even pretty. 

Went on vacation alone this week. I went to Medellin and the coffee region and a park where they have the tallest palms trees in the world. I was in an absolutely stunning place and I cried everyday, for hours. I just feel so lost and pathetic and lonely.

It's despicable that I let appearance and beauty and weight matter this much to me. I believe that appearance is the thing that matters least about a person. But still I let myself cry and berate myself for hours that I'm not pretty or thin enough. I'm weak and can't stick to my principles. 

getting larger

Last post I wrote that I was doing alright. And that's still true, kinda.

Haven't weighed myself in a while, not since late January when I went with a friend for a free 2-day gym pass and I was at 63kg/138lbs. That number shocked me, cause I thought I was definitely still under 60. But nearly two months of vacation and travel put on some weight. I know I must be even heavier now.

I had a painful realization of it yesterday sitting in a plastic chair in shorts, seeing my pale thighs splayed out and enormous. Then another, even worse one when I was forced to watch a video of myself teaching. I made the mistake of wearing a tanktop and my ham arms were on full display. (ughhhh... just so completely gross. I'm so pink and copious and flabby.)

One day I want to know what it feels like to be super fit and thin and small. I bet it's the most amazing feeling in the world. Not just for the appearance, just for the ease of moving through the world in a smaller, tighter, more compact form. I want that. I need that. I just wish that food and my body shape weren't so inextricably connected.

I'm okay.

I've got a perfect body,
but sometimes I forget.
I've got a perfect body,
cause my eyelashes catch my sweat. 
-Regina Spektor, "Folding Chair"

I think I'm better. I want to be skinny still, but the overwhelming desire is gone. I can take a negative comment without opening a pit of despair inside myself and spiraling out of control. The feeling of fullness doesn't have me running for the bathroom. Eating better and exercising interests me more now as a way to be healthy, not simply to look that way.

Maybe this won't last. Maybe old thoughts will come crashing back into my mind and I'll fall into old ways. But for right now, I'm fine. Right now it's more important to do well in my job, to fall in love, to spend time with friends, to make creative things, to make money, to travel. And thank God for that. It's rather boring and sad to be stuck in that awful circle of self-hate and pity and curiously looking for other people who share my interest in self-destruction. After nearly ten years of that, I think I'm ready to move on and try something new.

I must do better

Just a little discipline. Or a lot. That's really what I need.

Been spending too much money, eating too much rich food, wasting too much time reading novels and watching tv shows, drinking too much alcohol, giving too much time to boys. Never working. Never doing anything for anyone besides myself. No wonder I feel like such absolute crap.

To be the thing you have to do the verb. I went to journalism school and learned there that I have neither the motivation nor the dedication to make it in that field. It's hard work, nerve, and creativity. I am too lazy. So hundreds of thousands of dollars later I have a fancy private school degree and almost no impressive work to show for it, precious few connections, and no job prospects. None of this would matter if I could just get my shit together and create something of my own. In this modern internet world I don't need a job at a paper or a station to publish anything. But I'm too afraid to try, to lazy to work at it.

Now here I am, a volunteer teacher in a foreign country. I'm behind on submissions for my TEFL degree, and it's been gnawing at me like overdue school assignments used to. I did a horrible job teaching this last semester, simply because I failed to properly prepare and do the work necessary. These kids deserve more than what I gave them. I can do better. I will do better.

It's not January yet, but I'm making a few resolutions for the new year now.

1. Make lesson plans, or at least outlines, for every class

2. Create something every week. (interview someone, write an article, draw, knit, audio postcard, etc.)

3. Do nice things for other people

4. Less small talk, ask more interesting questions

5. Do my best to always tell the truth even if it's more comfortable to lie

6. Mindfulness

7. Consider the consequences more

8. Stay in contact with college friends

Friendsgiving

My first Thanksgiving away from my family, it felt strange. All day I felt empty and anxious and just off.

Wednesday night I saw Marlon for the first time in 3 weeks. I was still angry at him for ditching me at the beach during Novembrinas and frustrated with his horrible texting habits. We made plans Tuesday but I went out with Francisco instead. (That night was amazing- Francisco and I bought wine at the grocery store and then went to his new house that his family hasn't moved into yet. We sat on his empty back patio and drank and read poetry in Spanish.) When I finally got to Marlon's house on Wednesday night I was frustrated with him for not coming to pick me up and for being so casual when I was still angry with him.

Of course we made up, and actually ended up having a pretty nice night. We talked a lot (well, as much as we really can. He knows about 5 words in English and my Spanish is pretty terrible. But we get by) and I ended up staying the night at his place. I got home around 9am and started planning for Thanksgiving dinner that night at my friend Mohamed's house.

I walked to the grocery store to buy the ingredients for cookies and a fruit salad but stopped on the way to eat an empanada and mango juice. Lunch was coconut rice and pork chops and guava juice. Then I went to class for a little while just to check in, then went home and made the cookies and some banana bread for my host mother. I tasted just a little bit of the cookie dough.

As soon as I got to Mohamed's house my stomach started to hurt. I was really pumped for delicious thanksgiving food and lots and lots of wine, but my body ruined everything. A sip of wine and I had to put it down. A friend got me a plate of food and the look of it made me want to throw up. I was so nauseous and started to get that taste in my mouth like I was going to be sick any moment. I went to the bathroom and waited a minute for my body to get everything out, but nothing. So I sped up the process and then it was like magic, the entire day's worth of food came up. It's so crazy for me to actually throw up now, purging is such a part of my life that when I throw up for real now it's kind of scary. My body does all the work for me and it's freaky to be out of control.

So now the question is if I have a stomach bug or if it was what I ate. My guess is either the empanada or the raw cookie dough. Drinking gatorade now and praying I can manage to keep it down. I want to go out dancing tonight and I don't want to feel like crap.

Actually trying

Yes, still just under 60 kilos, my weight hasn't budged since early October. Thankful I haven't gained anything but I need a kickstart so I can return to the US for Christmas at least at 3kgs lighter. I feel like I'm right around the weight where my face shifts from round to angled.

Mostly, I have to blame the alcohol. Far too much beer lately. I've been purging more meals which has helped balance things, but I drink a lot. It scares me to admit this, but I need the alcohol to truly relax and feel happy. Sober I always feel too anxious, too self-conscious. But then I get a little lift, a little buzz, and the inhibition slips away and it's as if the night has turned to magic and I can be anyone. Must be careful, this is how the problems always start.

Lots going on in my life right now. A change to my program, newly purchased travel tickets, Christmas preparations, love life drama, graduation ceremonies, thanksgiving dinner, birthday celebrations, last-minute classwork to turn in. My life is full and I'm trying to appreciate that best I can without letting my own nagging insecurities drag me down. I can't let myself ruin this experience with all my negativity.