Dating

I have a "boyfriend". I broke up with him last summer, and then I broke up with him again a few weeks after that. Then we got back together. Then we planned to move in together and I got cold feet and called the whole thing off. Then he came to see me anyway and we've been out to dinner 4 times in the past 6 days. I don't really want to be with him, I want to see other people. But also he's very good to me and it's hard for me to imagine anyone wanting to be with me at my current weight.

I keep thinking to myself "I'll do that when I'm thin." But time is moving fast, and I'm not sure how much longer I can wait.

Joined a gym a few days ago. I ran on the treadmill yesterday and the day before that. Last night I swam laps in the pool. I ate vegetables for breakfast, but I'm having pizza for lunch, so idk. Still 145lbs.

New Year, New Life

1. I moved
On the 17th I flew to Medellin from Philadelphia. I arrived early in the morning to my new city, took a taxi to my temporary apartment and collapsed in tears on the bed. Before the true sobbing set in I called my boyfriend and told him how scared I was and how I really didn't want to be here alone. He of course reminded me that this had all been my idea, that he had offered to come with me to set things up, and I had refused, wanting instead to start this whole journey on my own. How stupid I felt in that moment, and for the next few lonely, miserable days.

2. New job
When I bought the plane tickets and decided I was moving to Medellin I had no job or prospects. I kind of just planned on talking to people and trying to find something. In the meantime, I figured, I'd take some Spanish classes and continue with my online coding classes. From my six months waitressing I had around six months of living expenses saved, so I could get my for a while, longer if I was frugal. But lady luck smiled down upon me in the form of a facebook post to an expat page. I now have a job writing drug information pages for a pharmaceutical coupon company. Still haven't actually written any drug pages, but I have done some research and emailing back and forth with my boss. Progress is progress I guess. It pays alright, especially for the living standard here. It'll cover my rent and bills and about half of what I spend on clothes and food and all that other stuff I don't actually need but feel as if I can't live without.

3. Weight loss resolutions
As usual, I have resolved to lose weight this year. In 2015 I lost around 30 lbs, which I gained back in 2016. So I'd really like to get back to that end-of-2015 weight as soon as possible. The main plan of attack is to make a lot more meals at home (should also help in the spending department) and stop eating dinner (which is also part of the culture here, they normally just have a snack or a hot beverage). I got Alton Brown's cookbook for Christmas and a Colombian cookbook (in English) and brought both of them with me. I'm also relying heavily on my weekly healthy eating newsletter from buzzfeed for inspiration. My next step will be to buy a bunch more storage containers to keep leftovers in. Bought a scale today (analog) and it told me I'm still the same weight as when I left the states last week (which I'm disappointed in, I've been walking a lot and eating less than I used to.) 68kg. Boo. My goal is to be somewhere in the 50's by March.

4. Get active
There are a few things I'd like to do in this category. First is that I'd like to get into swimming laps at least once a week, there is a set of large outdoor pools near the soccer stadium that have free admission. The second is going on hikes, which should be a fun way to also do some more photography and explore more places in Antioquia (the state I live in here). Third, I want to get stronger, perhaps get a set of dumbbells for my apartment, or perhaps join a discount gym in the neighborhood (but that's not likely, those are for men mostly and I hate being stared at and cat-called.)

5. Apartment 
Hunting for a new apartment is my current obsession. I've spent about 4 hours each day for the past 3 or more days looking through listings and calling agents and seeing spaces. It's hard for me to organize all the details. Cost, cleanliness, location, number of bedrooms, bathrooms, amount of light, etc. And then there's the headache of buying a bed and a fridge and a washing machine. Oy vey. I don't really like being an adult.

6. Creative accomplishments
I want to have a real blog again (one that I can publish my real name on, one that isn't just a diary online) and really start creating article and doing interviews with people. I'm not sure what my focus will be, but I'm excited about the possibility. I plan on doing some audio interviews and some photography, perhaps a video or two.

how do I keep ending up here?

Back in Pennsylvania again. Got back from Colombia at the end of June and after only a few weeks at home I'm already feeling kind of stir-crazy. I have a job waitressing at a restaurant across the street from my house. I don't have any friends in the area. I feel lost and worthless and stupid.

I weigh 143 again. Almost 15 pounds up from my low last August. Getting lots of motivation from my fitbit and the new pokemon go app to go outside and gain steps, but I need to get my food intake under control. I'm bored and smoking too much pot and lonely so all I want lately is to hide in a dark place and eat sweet things and chips for hours. I know sugar is enemy #1, but I'm so addicted to it, I can't stop. I just love sugar so much.

Today:

coffee with half and half

sweet cream iced coffee from starbucks (currently sitting in starbucks writing this and a few cover letters for internships I probably won't get because I'm not a student. I wasted so much fucking time while I was in school earning money when I should have been earning experience. I'm such a dumbass.)

walked around the park where my sister runs a day camp to find pokeballs and hunt new pokemon. feel like a nerd but I love it.

cried in the kitchen because I feel so trapped and like my life is being wasted while I sit in my house and do nothing and get fat.

I need to find some new resolved for my diet so at least I can lose weight while I'm home with nothing else to do. Get back into exercise videos and become vegan or something.

downward spiral

I thought I was a perfect applicant. They were practically begging people to apply. But I got rejected. The fact that there was a video part of the application makes me think maybe they didn't want me because I'm not pretty.

When am I going to stop doubting myself so much that I prohibit myself from actually accomplishing anything? I'm freaking out about my future and the fact that I have no job and no place to live come June. I don't even know which continent I'd like to live on once this contract is up. But yet I can't bring myself to even apply to any jobs or programs or schools because I feel like absolutely nobody will want to hire me. Or even let me volunteer with their organization. Because I'm uninteresting and dumb and have no skills and I'm not even pretty. 

Went on vacation alone this week. I went to Medellin and the coffee region and a park where they have the tallest palms trees in the world. I was in an absolutely stunning place and I cried everyday, for hours. I just feel so lost and pathetic and lonely.

It's despicable that I let appearance and beauty and weight matter this much to me. I believe that appearance is the thing that matters least about a person. But still I let myself cry and berate myself for hours that I'm not pretty or thin enough. I'm weak and can't stick to my principles. 

getting larger

Last post I wrote that I was doing alright. And that's still true, kinda.

Haven't weighed myself in a while, not since late January when I went with a friend for a free 2-day gym pass and I was at 63kg/138lbs. That number shocked me, cause I thought I was definitely still under 60. But nearly two months of vacation and travel put on some weight. I know I must be even heavier now.

I had a painful realization of it yesterday sitting in a plastic chair in shorts, seeing my pale thighs splayed out and enormous. Then another, even worse one when I was forced to watch a video of myself teaching. I made the mistake of wearing a tanktop and my ham arms were on full display. (ughhhh... just so completely gross. I'm so pink and copious and flabby.)

One day I want to know what it feels like to be super fit and thin and small. I bet it's the most amazing feeling in the world. Not just for the appearance, just for the ease of moving through the world in a smaller, tighter, more compact form. I want that. I need that. I just wish that food and my body shape weren't so inextricably connected.

I'm okay.

I've got a perfect body,
but sometimes I forget.
I've got a perfect body,
cause my eyelashes catch my sweat. 
-Regina Spektor, "Folding Chair"

I think I'm better. I want to be skinny still, but the overwhelming desire is gone. I can take a negative comment without opening a pit of despair inside myself and spiraling out of control. The feeling of fullness doesn't have me running for the bathroom. Eating better and exercising interests me more now as a way to be healthy, not simply to look that way.

Maybe this won't last. Maybe old thoughts will come crashing back into my mind and I'll fall into old ways. But for right now, I'm fine. Right now it's more important to do well in my job, to fall in love, to spend time with friends, to make creative things, to make money, to travel. And thank God for that. It's rather boring and sad to be stuck in that awful circle of self-hate and pity and curiously looking for other people who share my interest in self-destruction. After nearly ten years of that, I think I'm ready to move on and try something new.

I must do better

Just a little discipline. Or a lot. That's really what I need.

Been spending too much money, eating too much rich food, wasting too much time reading novels and watching tv shows, drinking too much alcohol, giving too much time to boys. Never working. Never doing anything for anyone besides myself. No wonder I feel like such absolute crap.

To be the thing you have to do the verb. I went to journalism school and learned there that I have neither the motivation nor the dedication to make it in that field. It's hard work, nerve, and creativity. I am too lazy. So hundreds of thousands of dollars later I have a fancy private school degree and almost no impressive work to show for it, precious few connections, and no job prospects. None of this would matter if I could just get my shit together and create something of my own. In this modern internet world I don't need a job at a paper or a station to publish anything. But I'm too afraid to try, to lazy to work at it.

Now here I am, a volunteer teacher in a foreign country. I'm behind on submissions for my TEFL degree, and it's been gnawing at me like overdue school assignments used to. I did a horrible job teaching this last semester, simply because I failed to properly prepare and do the work necessary. These kids deserve more than what I gave them. I can do better. I will do better.

It's not January yet, but I'm making a few resolutions for the new year now.

1. Make lesson plans, or at least outlines, for every class

2. Create something every week. (interview someone, write an article, draw, knit, audio postcard, etc.)

3. Do nice things for other people

4. Less small talk, ask more interesting questions

5. Do my best to always tell the truth even if it's more comfortable to lie

6. Mindfulness

7. Consider the consequences more

8. Stay in contact with college friends