The desire to live is the craving for more. One more sunrise, one more breath, one more Christmas Eve, one more embrace. When deep below the thought process, beneath the conscious mind, a voice is saying over and over again "I want to see, do, hear, experience more. I want to live more." That's what makes life worth living. If I've learned nothing else, I know that the journey is more important than the destination, the work more important the product. But if you have no drive, no destination, how can you possibly have a meaningful journey or a meaningful life? Life must be over when that drive, that craving, has ceased to be a little ditty in your head. If you could disappear without a regret you know that life is meaningless. You are acutely aware that you are toiling without reason.
I don't feel this way today, but I know how easy it is to slip back into that mindset. It is a scarily close cliff to tumble down. When you don't miss anybody in particular, you just know that someone or something is missing, it's easy to feel like there isn't really a purpose to it all. When the only thing you truly crave deep down is for the whole thing to be over, that's meaninglessness. Today I might have drive, but I can let it slip away like it means nothing, and I often do.
As I fight to hold on, it's nice to know that outside my own head, people really do care about me. I'll never be able to bottle it or define it, but I'm aware that it exists. It's like gravity. The only way I know how to fight this is to find a way to care about them, but that isn't the easiest thing to do. When I feel myself start to slip away, I feel them slip away first. But there are moments when I'd do anything to save them, anything to make them happy. I just wish I could feel that way all the time. I wish I always craved life.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Touch
I went to visit Vishwa on Sunday. yay! I had a lot of fun, except for the bit on the train.... I was shaking and freaking out when I got off, I could barely figure out which way was up. But the rest of the day went pretty well. The only thing was that I could feel something changing. It was tangible. I felt myself pulling away, I knew that I was some sort of an embarrassment, I couldn't even hold his hand. I kept pulling away, only kissing him a few times. I don't even really know the reason in a way I can put into words, but I can feel it when I think of him or when he's close by.
We were sitting alone in a court yard, his hand resting on mine, and I did what I'd been meaning to do for a long while. I asked him if he was okay with us still being together even though he was in college. I told him that I didn't want to hold him back from starting his new life at college. He told me he worried that he was holding me back from having a fun senior year. We looked at each other and knew that neither of us were quite ready for it to be over. I'm still having fun, and so is he.
He is really the sweetest guy. He might not notice a whole lot of things but he has a kind heart. We were walking and I barely even noticed a girl struggling with four bags of ice. One fell to the ground and Vishwa darted over to her side of the side walk and offered to help her carry it. I grabbed one and so did he, and the three of us took the ice to the end of the block to her mother's food stand. The girl barely muttered thank you, but it was the type of thing most people don't do. Something that I'm not kind enough to think of. It's really the obvious thing to do, help someone who is struggling, but I hardly notice things like that. I'm oblivious, wandering, clouded in my own little world.
We were sitting alone in a court yard, his hand resting on mine, and I did what I'd been meaning to do for a long while. I asked him if he was okay with us still being together even though he was in college. I told him that I didn't want to hold him back from starting his new life at college. He told me he worried that he was holding me back from having a fun senior year. We looked at each other and knew that neither of us were quite ready for it to be over. I'm still having fun, and so is he.
He is really the sweetest guy. He might not notice a whole lot of things but he has a kind heart. We were walking and I barely even noticed a girl struggling with four bags of ice. One fell to the ground and Vishwa darted over to her side of the side walk and offered to help her carry it. I grabbed one and so did he, and the three of us took the ice to the end of the block to her mother's food stand. The girl barely muttered thank you, but it was the type of thing most people don't do. Something that I'm not kind enough to think of. It's really the obvious thing to do, help someone who is struggling, but I hardly notice things like that. I'm oblivious, wandering, clouded in my own little world.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
He Said She Said
P finally called me back. Of course the whole thing is my fault. My fault for the email. My fault that I'm selfish. My fault that I'm not patient or understanding. He makes it sound like it's all my fault and he had nothing to do with it. And I know he's right. He's always right.
I just feel like such an idiot. I feel so defeated and awful. Anything I do would be the wrong thing. I cried my eyes out, so I called Anna for sympathy. But before she could pick up I hung up. If I talked to her I'd only be proving him right. That I'm weak and I need someone to talk to all the time.
What if it's over? I'll never get to be friends with him again. I messed everything up and I have to pay for it over and over and over. Every time I think of him I'll pay for it. Everyone tells me he isn't worth it. That he's anti-social and weird. I know he's worth it and I miss him so much. But maybe he never wanted me in the first place. maybe... maybe I'm needy and annoying to all my "friends". They all just pity me. I need some advil for this headache.
I just feel like such an idiot. I feel so defeated and awful. Anything I do would be the wrong thing. I cried my eyes out, so I called Anna for sympathy. But before she could pick up I hung up. If I talked to her I'd only be proving him right. That I'm weak and I need someone to talk to all the time.
What if it's over? I'll never get to be friends with him again. I messed everything up and I have to pay for it over and over and over. Every time I think of him I'll pay for it. Everyone tells me he isn't worth it. That he's anti-social and weird. I know he's worth it and I miss him so much. But maybe he never wanted me in the first place. maybe... maybe I'm needy and annoying to all my "friends". They all just pity me. I need some advil for this headache.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Heartbreak and Love
"If this is what it feels like when it's over, then I don't know if love's worth it"
Is love worth it? Watching a friend go through heart break this week, I question the power that love has over us and whether or not it's healthy. He looks alternately extremely depressed and overwhelmingly defeated. He fell so fast and so hard. Theirs was a strong fast flame, the kind that made you jealous. They were so happy, so enveloped in their own world. But now he's been dropped out of that glorious colorful land of love back into the bland boring normal one, he's hit the ground with such force that it's knocked him out of his old spark and character. He's flat, stuck in another time, another version of himself.
Maybe love isn't healthy. At least not this kind. A love like that is like lightening. It strikes quick and beautifully, but with not enough power to sustain it, it leaves behind a shocked and burned victim where ever it hits. Berhaps its better to be a slow rolling thunder. Though not as beautiful or awe inspiring, it lasts long into the night.
I listened to an old broadcast from valentines day about love long into the relationship. It makes me wonder if I'll have the strength to hold on to one person for my whole life. Will I have the patience and willingness to make it work? Past the point where we both have changed? I'd like to believe that love can last into twilight of life, but that sort of love is rare. For long after the spark has burnt out, both parties are willing to stay and support each other in whatever that entails.
But hey, I've never even fallen in love before, how could I have any idea what real commitment is like?
Is love worth it? Watching a friend go through heart break this week, I question the power that love has over us and whether or not it's healthy. He looks alternately extremely depressed and overwhelmingly defeated. He fell so fast and so hard. Theirs was a strong fast flame, the kind that made you jealous. They were so happy, so enveloped in their own world. But now he's been dropped out of that glorious colorful land of love back into the bland boring normal one, he's hit the ground with such force that it's knocked him out of his old spark and character. He's flat, stuck in another time, another version of himself.
Maybe love isn't healthy. At least not this kind. A love like that is like lightening. It strikes quick and beautifully, but with not enough power to sustain it, it leaves behind a shocked and burned victim where ever it hits. Berhaps its better to be a slow rolling thunder. Though not as beautiful or awe inspiring, it lasts long into the night.
I listened to an old broadcast from valentines day about love long into the relationship. It makes me wonder if I'll have the strength to hold on to one person for my whole life. Will I have the patience and willingness to make it work? Past the point where we both have changed? I'd like to believe that love can last into twilight of life, but that sort of love is rare. For long after the spark has burnt out, both parties are willing to stay and support each other in whatever that entails.
But hey, I've never even fallen in love before, how could I have any idea what real commitment is like?
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Nothing, Really
I've been neglecting this. I don't know if that's bad or not. But on the bright side I have been awfully healthy lately. I've biked to the moon and back in the past few days. today I went biking down a highway with almost no median in the dark and was almost hit. Just after it happened I thought "I suppose that wouldn't be the worst way to go". I thought I was getting better. The past few weeks I've been pretty happy despite school starting and the Prateek thing. But after the bike ride I feel like listening to depressing music and leaning too far out the window just to feel that danger again.
I feel a lot better about Vishwa at the moment. I feel like I'm comfortable and like maybe things will be fun for a while longer. I just hope that I'm not ruining the start of this new chapter for him. I haven't figured out yet how not to be complaining and naggy without feeling like I don't matter. I need to find a charisma and a new attitude.
I still haven't started recording. Half out of laziness half out of fear that I won't be good enough. I also really want to get these cupcake books with super cute cupcakes in them. I want a lot of things.
I feel a lot better about Vishwa at the moment. I feel like I'm comfortable and like maybe things will be fun for a while longer. I just hope that I'm not ruining the start of this new chapter for him. I haven't figured out yet how not to be complaining and naggy without feeling like I don't matter. I need to find a charisma and a new attitude.
I still haven't started recording. Half out of laziness half out of fear that I won't be good enough. I also really want to get these cupcake books with super cute cupcakes in them. I want a lot of things.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Tear Stained
Remember the first day of this blog? How I said I didn't cry anymore? And then I did? I feel that way again, and for some reason I hope that after I post this I can find it in me to cry my eyes out.
I think worse than feeling bad is knowing you have all the strength to get over it but you just can't. And knowing it's just an old issue of growing thicker skin and dealing. I jump to conclusions and act like a brat. I put on an air of false confidence but just a layer beneath is a shaking pale girl frightened to death of taking a step, fearful that it will be in the wrong direction. I take everything too seriously and think selfishly that it all has to do with me.
On that note- P won't call me back or answer my emails. When I finally got a hold of him on facebook He told me that he'd call me that night. In a classically sad fashion I sat staring at the phone begging it to ring for hours but it never did. Then on facebook today (isn't it tragic how much that dumb website impacts my life?) he told S that they needed to do a skype date tonight. The conversation included a bit about her being his little sister. I really wish I could cry because in this instance I think it would help quite a bit.
Normally I call until they answer and try beyond hope to get them to notice me and want me. That's my M.O. But you can't force someone to love you. 569 and 10 money can't buy you back the love you had then.
(And I ramble on...) but I guess the part that hurts most is that he said always and forever. He told me he loved me. And I loved him for real. Time is supposed to heal all wounds but I know that isn't true. Sometimes I feel with fresh hurt the emptiness of being without my mother. That's been nine years and I still feel it. I wasn't supposed to be wounded by him anyway. He was my person, my support. I could call him in the middle of the night when E had said something particularly nasty. But now he doesn't want me anymore.
I'm over reacting. I know. But whatever. Fuck controlling your emotions. That's not who I am. If I do the whole waiting to see how things turn out and not jumping to conclusions thing I end up assuming it's my fault and swallowing too many asprin. I'm glad I have you, dear universe, because I feel like a total asshole when I tell other people about this. Self centered and over dramatic. Only trouble is, the universe never has a comforting arm to put around me and tell me in the calmest voice that "it's okay".
I think worse than feeling bad is knowing you have all the strength to get over it but you just can't. And knowing it's just an old issue of growing thicker skin and dealing. I jump to conclusions and act like a brat. I put on an air of false confidence but just a layer beneath is a shaking pale girl frightened to death of taking a step, fearful that it will be in the wrong direction. I take everything too seriously and think selfishly that it all has to do with me.
On that note- P won't call me back or answer my emails. When I finally got a hold of him on facebook He told me that he'd call me that night. In a classically sad fashion I sat staring at the phone begging it to ring for hours but it never did. Then on facebook today (isn't it tragic how much that dumb website impacts my life?) he told S that they needed to do a skype date tonight. The conversation included a bit about her being his little sister. I really wish I could cry because in this instance I think it would help quite a bit.
Normally I call until they answer and try beyond hope to get them to notice me and want me. That's my M.O. But you can't force someone to love you. 569 and 10 money can't buy you back the love you had then.
(And I ramble on...) but I guess the part that hurts most is that he said always and forever. He told me he loved me. And I loved him for real. Time is supposed to heal all wounds but I know that isn't true. Sometimes I feel with fresh hurt the emptiness of being without my mother. That's been nine years and I still feel it. I wasn't supposed to be wounded by him anyway. He was my person, my support. I could call him in the middle of the night when E had said something particularly nasty. But now he doesn't want me anymore.
I'm over reacting. I know. But whatever. Fuck controlling your emotions. That's not who I am. If I do the whole waiting to see how things turn out and not jumping to conclusions thing I end up assuming it's my fault and swallowing too many asprin. I'm glad I have you, dear universe, because I feel like a total asshole when I tell other people about this. Self centered and over dramatic. Only trouble is, the universe never has a comforting arm to put around me and tell me in the calmest voice that "it's okay".
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Happy Birthday
Seventeen. There's something magical about it. Life is starting and from this vantage point it looks like one day I'll own the world. I'll see everywhere, meet everyone and experience everything. When you're seventeen you are beautiful and ambitious and love life. I just hope my seventeen is everything the girls on the cover of that magazine have and more.
I feel so good. So loved. My darling friends threw me a surprise party! It was so perfect and I had absolutely no idea it was coming. I know it's horrible that it took something so classic and huge to show me how much my friends love me, but I was so reminded of that love yesterday. I can see now that I don't have to let them go to find new friends and new experiences. I can love them and keep my old life, I just have to balance the old with the new. No more clicky eighth grade mentality for me. I'm seventeen! I can do anything I set my mind to.
Today I filled out college applications and I'm in the process of finishing my summer reading. The reality of senior year seems to have come with my Here-I-Come-World mentality. In a year I will have moved into a college dorm and will be adjusting to a whole new life. And I'll be an adult! I can't wait for the new adventures and possibilities. At the same time though, it's a wee bit frightening and sad to leave behind my little safe hometown. This is senior year, a drawn out goodbye, one last childhood hoorah before we part ways to the sparkling futures that await us.
I feel so good. So loved. My darling friends threw me a surprise party! It was so perfect and I had absolutely no idea it was coming. I know it's horrible that it took something so classic and huge to show me how much my friends love me, but I was so reminded of that love yesterday. I can see now that I don't have to let them go to find new friends and new experiences. I can love them and keep my old life, I just have to balance the old with the new. No more clicky eighth grade mentality for me. I'm seventeen! I can do anything I set my mind to.
Today I filled out college applications and I'm in the process of finishing my summer reading. The reality of senior year seems to have come with my Here-I-Come-World mentality. In a year I will have moved into a college dorm and will be adjusting to a whole new life. And I'll be an adult! I can't wait for the new adventures and possibilities. At the same time though, it's a wee bit frightening and sad to leave behind my little safe hometown. This is senior year, a drawn out goodbye, one last childhood hoorah before we part ways to the sparkling futures that await us.
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