bathing suit

my bathing suit came in the mail today. barf. I look like a fucking hippo in a tube top. I ordered a tankini from delia's and oh my effing goodness it is being sent back. I hate my stomach and my love handles and my fatty touching thighs. ew ew ew.

I've been having terrible acid reflux the past two days. the good side of this is that I don't eat much when it's kicking in. But being me, I still managed to eat over 1,000 cals today and yesterday. I need to go on starvation diet and do like every work out on the planet if I'm ever going to look half decent this summer.

kill me, please, and do it before bathing suit season.

the labrynth

I wish that food wasn't half of what I think about. I wish that I didn't always have to bite my tongue on the words "I'm sorry". I wish my perception of reality matched up with everybody else. I wish I had another skin tone. I wish enough things that I could choke on them.

Boy said to me when the topic of my step mother briefly came up that he wished he knew me better. as if. I don't want him to know this mess of a person. I can't let him in before I sort myself out. or anyone for that matter. So when he told me with sincerity he wouldn't ever hurt me, I didn't answer. I just kissed him goodnight.

happy mother's day

132.2 this morning. then I ate a bagel. oops.

I've stopped wearing make up. is that strange?

summer's coming

Thanks for all the love on my last post, it was really nice to hear that. Meg, thanks for saying you like my voice. It's one of my biggest fears that my voice sounds like a little kid and no one will like it. This is a big problem for my chosen career path. I want to be a journalist and I aim to be on NPR or another news radio station. I'm in love with the radio and it's my dream to be able to create inspiring and captivating stories over the air ways. so Meg (and everyone else who mentioned it), you really boosted my confidence. thanks :)

So on Thursday I fasted. I think I just need to feel in control again after all the binging. So I did a full on water fast, a feat with the track meet that lasted 8 hours. I felt so much better in the morning though. Friday wasn't as successful, but I don't really mind. I know that when I want to I can take control, and that is a huge comfort.

oh man, I cannot wait for another summer on the river! I live by the river and it's just the best way to spend a hot day- on the rope swing, tubing, jumping off bridges. now I just need that bikini bod... 

I hope you all have a lovely sunny saturday!
Jax

va-va-vlog

vlog post numero uno. sorry I sound a little snow white there at the beginning. and I sorta rambled... but I hope you guys like it.

lots of love!

new shampoo

I got some new shampoo and I love it. it smells like acai berry (i don't know how to do the accents on my computer). yummmm

speaking of yum, I ate a ton of food today. and it was all delicious. well, except for the moment after when I burst into hysterics. the tears weren't so delicious. I need to stop the 1 day binge 3 day restrict cycle. it's making me crazy.

So I'm guess I'll be about 134 tomorrow morning. oh joy.

thanks for all the love on the last post. It means a lot. obviously I've been feeling pretty shitty lately with panic attacks and general self-hatred being the main culprits. so sorry if the title of the last post was harsh, I'm a bitch when I'm upset or tired.

considering a new diet... maybe.

it looks good, but a little hard. I might have to bump up the cals since I'm not strong enough to do it as is. but the timing is perfect. I think it's 30 days til prom. so if I followed this I might be able to get down to 125 by June 3 (prom night). hmmm. we'll see.

sorry i was gone so long, not that anyone missed me

I've been terrible these past few days. I can't go half an hour without thinking about how absolutely disgusting and loathsome I am. It makes me cry. I sit, surrounded by people who care about me, feeling completely alone. Even when I'm happy I have it in the back of my head that the happiness is fleeting. It seems like all I can think about is what a disappointment I must be. And how much I miss my mother. Everything that hurts me seems to be connected.

With boy, I only want to apologize all the time. He touches my waist and I just want to say "sorry I'm so fat" and he kisses my forehead and the first thought that jumps to mind is "sorry my face is so ugly". His best friend is this girl Lauren who recently has been treating him like crap. She uses him as like a combo big brother and shrink. He was really upset over something she did today and I told him I'll try never to be that high maintenance. He told me I'm hardly high maintenance but then again he's only getting to know me. Oh if he did know me. If he only knew about the manic depression and the self-hatred, the suicide attempts and the eating disorder, the history of verbal abuse and self-destructive behavior. If he only knew. He deserves better than me.

On the up side, the constant self hatred that's been berating me is making me eat less. I'm back down to 132. I've been getting a net of about 200 for the past 4 days, which is really good for me. I just need to keep it up so I can be 125 for prom in a month.