I'm trying really hard

cute story:
I got called down to the office from homeroom. My mean homeroom teacher told me I had gotten a detention. my mind: fuck. they finally reported me for skipping my study hall and hiding in the library all year. I hate teachers. I walk into the office and who's standing there? Boy. And he has flowers and a sign that reads "prom?". I gasped and smiled and wrapped my arms around his neck to kiss him on tippy toe. Then I looked at him and said "yes! yes, of course!" and all the secretaries in the office clapped. It was so nice. Why was I ever worried? I love boys. They are so cute sometimes.

It made me feel so happy all day. And younger girls kept asking me about it. I felt a little bit like a princess.

But being me, happiness doesn't last forever. We had a track meet at which I was terrible. And I ate 730 calories. I had a net of 414 which isn't so bad, it's under the 450 limit for today, but still. I feel bad about how much I eat.

Boy does everything right. But I still can't escape the chill of sadness that keeps creeping up my back. like for example: (side note for context: when I get cold my skin turns purple and I get orange spots. lol I'm such a white girl) me: "ugh I'm so orange!" boy: "you're beautiful"
okay. so, I've been waiting for someone to say that to me my whole life. And then someone finally says it and means it and I can't be happy. All I feel is that I need to be 118 so I can deserve this. I don't even know anymore. I'm going crazy trying to be skinnier and happier and none of it is doing me any good.

I guess the point is, I'm trying really hard to get all of this under control. I want to be the best I can be and be happy while I'm getting there.

Maybe I'll do a fruit-veggie day. nothing else. I'm going shopping for spring clothing and I'm gonna try not to cry my heart out in the dressing room.

Another random tangent-

how many of y'all are virgos? I think the perfectionist characteristics of my sign have something to do with how angry I've been getting at myself over food lately. I don't know how much I trust horoscopes but it's an interesting thought. 

I'm trying to find God again. I keep trying to walk away from him, but each time I can feel him calling me back. I need to find a way to keep my life with people and my daily events in balance with my life with Him. He used to be my best friend. I want Him back as a best friend again.

okay. long post. and it was a tad random. Hope nobody is too bored of me!

lots of love to everyone starting and keeping up with diets!
Jackie xx

Lu- thank you times 10,000 for your comment. You are so good to me. I was lying in bed this morning trying organize my thoughts before I gave up and checked my email on my ipod. I read your comments and I literally sat up and smiled. I got out of bed, got a shower and turned up a really happy song. thank you. I can't wait till we both have the freedom to go live out in sunny beautiful skinny San Fransisco! And with the thinking too much thing, I totally agree. I think in order to end up like us girls do we have to have a certain degree of the over-thinking trait. We just need to learn which thoughts to listen to. thank you thank you my love, I'm so glad to have a friend in you.

too much

• my best friend asked my other best friend to prom today in a really cute way. C isn't even gonna ask me cause he can't go. stupid naval academy
• I can't talk to anyone anymore. I have no words left to say
• I need to tell someone about this diet thing. I'm losing my mind
• Almost fainted at practice today cause I haven't eaten anything substantial in three days
• Binged when I got home. I'm not even trying to figure out calories
• I was 134 this morning
• I don't ever feel beautiful
• I can't focus on anything
• I suck at discus and javelin is worse. let's not even talk about shot put
•  my writing sucks
• my future might not even exist. Not that I'll be successful anyway
• I'm on my period
• my whole body is sore
• I keep thinking about trying all those pills again. Anything so they see me and don't just write me off.
• I don't know what to do around C. Everyone must think I'm not good enough for him.
• No one has noticed that I've lost almost 15 pounds
• meet all day tomorrow, noon till ten at night. I want to fast, it shouldn't be that difficult. I hate the way I look in my uniform
• My hair is barely blonder even doing sun-in all the time
• my body doesn't look much different despite all the work
• I can't deal with people. They make me upset
• I wish I had a person to tell this all to without them sending me to get help

Independence

I drove alone for the first time today. It was sort of scary, but also exhilarating. To celebrate I bought myself some new nail polish. it's this awesome turquoise that I've wanted for a while now.
Today I also got a debit card in the mail. My bank is switching from one to the other so my account turned from one type to another and yadda yadda yadda and now I have a debit card. All this independence in one day is making my head spin. It sort of makes me wonder if I'll be able to avoid food and still exercise when I'm on my own. Driving and making my own decisions on food opens up so many new opportunities to eat junk. I need to resist!

intake:
-yogurt (80)
-weird casserole my dad made (I pecked at the noodles) (100?)
-water ice (100)
total 280
exercise:
-track (184)
-pilates (70)
net: 33


so today was good in terms of the diet. plus, this morning I was 135.4 when I weighed in. Today's meet was cancelled, but I got one of my best throws of the season for discus in practice. I have a meet on Friday and I'm praying for 45 feet.

sorry for this information over load. I have a lot buzzing through my head (including all these bugs which are driving me insane). much love to y'all <3
Jax

Not so bad

136.4 this morning, so not as bad as expected.

intake: 514
output: 257
net: 257
whoa... I just realized I exercised exactly half my calories off... bet that'll never happen again. I love coinky-dinks like that.


so success, I was under 300 :)

I had a panic attack today. I keep imagining there are bugs everywhere. People think it's hilarious that I jump around and itch and look like a freak, but it's terrifying. I can't sleep well and it's so tiring to be in fight or flight mode all fucking day. seriously, these bugs are going to kill me either through their nasty venom or whatever they do or exhaustion. bleh. bugs.... gross.

I really want to have tanner, thinner legs. and arms. and everything else.

I wish I could commit to the ABC or something, but I am not strong enough. My will power cannot hold out for a month with almost no food.

When people look at me I  assume they're judging my fatness and my ugliness. I want to yell at them "I'm working on it OKAY?!?! I've only had 80 calories so far today, so stop thinking about how gross I am and mind your own business!!" But they probably already are minding their own business. Everyone is way too wrapped up in themselves to think about how gross I am. I want them to notice me. And I want it to be because I'm so thin and pretty.

rant over. 

Much love to everyone who's been supporting me and not giving up on me after all my up and down drama. Y'all are the best!!

xo jax

sorry to disappoint

Cant expect the world to be your raggedy andy 

While running on empty you little old doll with a frown

I've gotten a lot of things I wanted lately. it feels like things have just suddenly fallen into place. I got the guy, and my license, everywhere I go there's sunshine, and this morning I was 135.6 (which is like 4 pounds in a week).


But of course I have to mess things up...
today's intake: .25 bagel, butter, juice, sandwich, brownie, apple, rice cakes, water ice, chicken caesar salad, and copious amounts of garlic bread
in other words- COMPLETE FAIL
I ran a lot today and it was hot which is the only thing I can think of to make this okay. but it's not okay. The world was being nice to me and I screwed it up.
I'll probably be back up to 138 tomorrow. I hate me.


Another thing- I'm super gross looking. like, I feel bad for people around me having to see me.


I will be under 300 calories tomorrow!! I need to make this screw up a one time thing.

This morning I weighed 136.4

Dad: "want a bagel?"
Jackie: "no thanks"
Brain: good work, Jax, maybe if you stayed hungry all day...?
Dad: "You don't eat much lately"
Brain: fuck!
Jackie: "Yes I do. I had cereal before you came down stairs"
Brain: Liar. Well, gotta do what you gotta do


I had pasta for lunch. I mean, it wasn't very much, but my dad saw me make it. that counts for something, right? I'm not anorexic. I'm pro-ana. But he has always been after me to be healthier and cut down. I'm doing that, aren't I?

I'm trying so hard to convince myself I'm doing the right thing. But what if I'm not? I don't want to hurt anyone.

in other news,

The date went really well last night. Boy treated me really nicely :) I had a veggie and shrimp stir-fry (about 375) which I hope looked okay to him. At the movies we ended up being those annoying teenagers who don't watch much of the film... haha I guess I'm a better kisser than I thought I was.

It's fun being 17 and irresponsible. kissing too much and driving too fast. We even trespassed onto someone's lawn just to look at the view from the mountain. He's so tall that I have to tippy-toe to kiss him. oh 17... there's really nothing like it. 

I like him. I'm just afraid of things going further and me still being fat. I need to lose weight. I mean, I don't want him touching my stomach while I'm still this fat. I want to deserve this. 

For the Better

It's been an interesting few days...

Thursday
I finally got my license! I know, it's bad that I'm 17 (18 in 5 months! eeep!!) and didn't have it yet, but parallel parking scares me to death. I passed this time though, so no more bumming rides.
Then after a long wait at the DMV, my dad and I drove to Boston. I told him about C and he's fine with it. such a big sigh of relief.
the bad thing was, I ate such crap. I had a cookie at my teacher's baby shower and fried chicken for dinner. ew

Friday
We went to Boston to visit my college for accepted students day. It was a lot of fun. I met my professors and lots of the kids I'll be in classes with next year. I cannot wait until next year after yesterday.
again, bad intake. I was just like "fuck it! I don't want to look like a freak in front of people who matter" so I ate. but not too much, I think about 1000. It's all about portion size
On the long drive home I texted boy for a while. He asked me out to a date on Saturday (today) and I said yes.... I know. I'm freaking out too.

Saturday
I got up early for a Saturday for track practice. We ran 12 100 meters... kill me. But at least it was a good workout to burn what I ate the past two days. Then boy took me to breakfast. I had grapefruit juice and one slice of french toast. He is sooo cute! I cut my french toast up small and ate it slow because I was afraid to look like a pig. (btw, it's a tricky line to walk. How do you not look like a glutinous pig but then also look like you don't think about eating?) Then he drove me home and kissed me "see you later". I love that. then I laid out back on the hammock to try in vain to give my paper white skin some color.


I'm nervous about tonight. And about the whole boy thing. I know he likes me, I mean he keeps saying he does and acts that way, but I somehow can't believe it. I can't see what he sees in me. Is it that he likes that I like him? or do I genuinely have some attractive quality? I wish I could feel pretty and not so disgusting all the time.

I need to relax.