checking in

I ate 835 calories today and it's only 12:30. wow. I'm reallyy great at this, huh?

I have to pack for my weekend in New Hampshire, but I want to go to the gym. hmmm. diet or responsibilities? maybe I'll just go on the treadmill for 20 minutes.

Having a fat day. and I'm trying really hard to pretend I'm not.

pretty words

did any of y'all watch the video anonymous posted to my blog? it's the most wonderful thing I've heard in a really long time. it's in a comment on the last post, but I'll link to it here as well.

I wish I were strong enough to believe in what that video had to say. I wish I had enough faith and trust to let go of this and just live for God. If I were brave enough to die to myself and live for Him, none of this would be a fucking problem. but bravery has never been my strong suit.

so, despite the video...
I'm feeling rather fat today. So I only ate some granola. I think that'll be it until tomorrow.
I need to go to the gym tonight and get all my work done. oh boy.

big day

so much for SGD. I suck. I had a solid normal person day today. I ate like a balanced person who eats regular meals and doesn't think too much about the calories. and I didn't work out. I barely did my homework. I just watched TV and read the Bible.
fuck normal. I want to be thin. so why can't i just do it and stop whining?

Oh how I want to be beautiful!

Oh Dear

I've just got back from a meeting for the school paper. I didn't get an assignment again :( no body even knows my name. I wish I were a daring reporter with guts and great writing skills, but I'm not. I'm too scared to try but I know I'll never learn if I don't. I don't want to give up on journalism yet.

Before that I was at my first day of my new job. I'm a math tutor so I spent two hours going over and over mean, median, mode, and range with a guy who spoke Creole and only spotty English. I was expecting it to be difficult, so I can't say it was harder than I thought. But it really was hard. I need to gain some confidence.

California and I have been talking a lot over facebook. Not ideal, but at least he's talking to me. And I'm excited that I get to see him at the retreat all weekend. He's so freaking cute, and he likes me quite obviously, which rocks. I just wish I looked better in a bathing suit :P

So I've come to a decision (which I'll likely change, so I guess I'm not really saying much of anything). I am going to work out and diet until I hit 118 however unhealthy I want to. I'll starve and over exercise and binge to my heart's content. Then I'm gonna go tell somebody that I need help, seek a nutritionist or something and then get down to 108 the healthy way. this way I figure I can keep the weight off. But I just wanna get down to 118 by Christmas so bad that I'm willing to be a little unhealthy to get there.
I know what you're all thinking 118 by christmas? how slow is she? I know I know I know. I'm slow. but I kinda suck at losing weight. I'll add that to the list of failures.

I'm struggling again. binge yesterday, and today (sort of)
yesterday I ate everything at once, completely possessed by my love of food. today it was a slow, painful consumption. I need to go back to my good old friend SGD. and I want to do it perfect.

plan:
become besties with the salad bar again. oh joy.
do more at the gym than just 70 minutes on the elliptical. I need variety!
drink more water
eat at intervals (which is not an excuse for snacking)
buy fruit/ smoothies NOT more granola

stupid, huh?

I'm so undecided. I fast all day one day and then swear I'll never do it again but end up fasting. I either eat junk with my friends or eat healthy (sorta) alone or (most often lately) I eat nothing at all. none of these options are really good for me, but I can't figure out how to eat right and not be miserable.

I have a birthday party tonight and already had granola for breakfast. I want help, but I want to get down to 118 before I ask for it. lol, that sounds stupid, huh?

last night

I ate a lot last night. and I was so happy because California (boat cruise guy) was there and we get along so well. He's such a sweet heart and I know he'd be good for me.

He played me some songs on his guitar. he has this amazing voice and he plays really well, too. all the while I was thinking, "who wrote this?" and "I wonder how much he sounds like the singer.." but then it turns out that he writes his own music. so he's basically a perfect human being. and for some reason he's interested in me. I just hope I don't disappoint. 

I got home and did homework after a night feeling almost pretty and giggly and having such a crush. And then my roommates were talking about their problem areas, and I looked in the mirror and all my good attributes were gone. poof. all I could see was one big problem area. Then my one roommate, Emma, told us she used to be bulimic. I asked her how she got over it and we ended up talking about her eating disorder and my whatever I have until 4:30 in the morning.

and then we both slept through the class we have together this morning (lol)

Her knowing scares me. but I also feel like it's a good thing. I don't know. I ate cereal this morning and I'm heading to the gym in half an hour. I weigh 131 again, so up a pound. but really, things could be so much worse.

flirting at the art museum

another vlog!

I'm in a better mood today. sorry about the past few days.

I'll tell you how the evening went tomorrow
have a nice thursday, my loves!