good clichés

It was a costume party, and I was dressed as Claire from the Breakfast Club. I'm told I look like her anyway (thanks, to anyone who thinks so. she's so pretty). My costume wasn't so slutty, but I was a rarity. Most girls were dressed in next to nothing and the guys were too.

Originally we were off to Cambridge, but that got cancelled. After a few confused conversations and a lot of slipping around in the October snow storm, we ended up at a BU frat party. It was classic- a required number of girls to guys to get in, sticky floors, loud music, black lights in the basement, keg stands and jell-o shots.

I had two jell-o shots and one cup of beer. I didn't drink too much and I didn't dance with inappropriate guys. Some guy grabbed my ass, but I'll never know who it was because it was so dark in there and by the time I had enough space to turn my head, he was gone.

The other girls from my college left pretty early but I stayed to get lost in the madness. I figured if I made the effort to get there, why not stay? And I think it was worth it. I can cross BU off my list. Now I need to get working on Harvard ;)

We missed the t, and by the time we hailed a taxi (which took almost an hour) my hair was frozen and I couldn't feel my fingers and toes.

I ended up asleep around 3:15 and I still got up to go to church this morning. I went with prep, and I told him about my night (leaving out a few key details, though). He laughed and didn't seem all that surprised. I wonder what he thinks of all that, or if he thinks anything at all about it.

I hope today is productive and pleasant. And that this week is one of cheer and good clichés.

the rest should be unwritten.

I sorta just want to go off the deep end and party till I get sick and just have sex with everyone. Get skinny and get wasted. But I also wanna get healthy and balanced and do the right thing. God's calling me to stay straight and go to Africa and save the world. But Satan's calling me to just let go and let sadness and fake energy take me. It's a lot harder a choice than I make it sound here, but both ends have their merits. 

a haiku I wrote about my college sex situation situation:

my life is changing

there's condoms in my sock drawer

don't know how I feel

back to me

Last night I blew off plans to hang out with friends so I could stay home, watch movies, and knit. It was the best decision I've made in a while. I made myself some popcorn and sat on the couch, watching a movie on my laptop and knit an ugly scarf I've been working on for years.

I went to sleep at 9 and woke up at 11 this morning. I slept for 14 hours.. haha I must have really needed it. I dreamed about dresses and going shopping, which is something I've been doing a lot more lately. I love shopping. I love buying new clothes, I love wearing them. I love imagining the person I could be if I only had those pants. And in this weight-maintaining phase, I can be sure that a size 6 will fit me for a while longer.

However, I am worried about money. I've spent a lot more than I've made in the past two months, and it's worrying me. of course, living in the city is expensive, but I think I need to make some cuts. plus I need to make better use of my meal plan. I have waayyy too much money left on my card for this time of year. I'm almost half way through it but we're well pas the half way mark on the semester. so the question we need to ask is this- how am i not losing weight if I've been under spending? did I really screw up my metabolism that much this year that I can't eat like a normal person without gaining?

This morning/afternoon I wrote some of my essay and went to the gym. I know, shocking. I burned around 300 calories, I think. So not great, but loads better than I've been doing lately. Bad thing is, the gym inspires me  not to eat. not like, eat healthy, but just stop eating all together. And I know that makes me lose weight, but I gain it back in like a week.

Now I'm listening to music from someone else's itunes library. it's great, I have access to like 50 people's music, and no body minds. I'm attempting to do homework and decide where I should go tonight, but I can't choose. thai food for my friend's roommate's birthday or an unknown party in cambridge? hmm. if it's a question of calories then the party wins (I don't count alcohol calories since I don't drink very often) but if it's a question of loyalty and comfort then I should go to the thai food thing. I just don't know.

Prep's been texting me in that nice, boyfriend-ish way. I forgot how much I missed that. I like having him, I just hope I don't screw it up.

don't read this, brother dear

we were just watching the premature snowflakes. for goodness sake, it's only october. and then he kissed me, full on the mouth like he meant it. suddenly we were kissing, open mouth with our hands wandering unfamiliar territory.
oh gosh. i'm still very fat, aren't i?
his hands ran through my hair and held me so close. his hands, his hands.
i wish i hadn't drank that milk.
he stopped and looked at me and told me i was beautiful. i blinked and said nothing. and then we were kissing again.
why did he say that?
at one point my roommate walked in. she grabbed her keys and quickly left. I felt bad, but I'd have done the same for her, not that she's getting any. prep and I looked at each other and laughed. "isn't it fun being a teenager?" I asked. he murmured that it wouldn't last, we'll grow up someday. i don't think he gets that that's exactly my point.
i wish i liked him more than i do.
he looked out the window and remarked that the people across the way could see into my window. we should move for privacy's sake, he said. i said i didn't care.
maybe i'm too reckless.
then the lights were off and so was my button-down flannel shirt. then i lost my tank top and he lost his polo. his fingers fumbled on the clasp of my bra, so i un-did it myself. i was so aware of his muscles and my flab. his beauty and my averageness.
why does he even like me at all?
when we were back to just watching the snow again, his arms around me, we talked. about relationships and what we've been through. he's a virgin. i'm not. he said it was okay, that it didn't bother him. i'm not sure i believe him.
am i okay with it?
he put his shirt back on, saying he was going to leave. i put on the flannel shirt but didn't button it. he said i was the sexiest thing ever. i smiled and blushed, but said nothing.
some boys are either blind or good liars.
he didn't leave for another hour, and we kissed and talked some more. when he left i put on pajamas and went to sleep, feeling just as happy as i did insecure.

the truth is

i've been:
eating far too much- I had almost 1700 calories yesterday. and it's like that's the new norm. I think I need to restrict again. no. I know I need to restrict again. but I'm too emotionally weak to not eat. (that's not an excuse... I'm just a failure)
exercising far too little- I haven't been to the gym in the month of October. yeah. I suck. I have run outside quite a bit, but I need to do it with regularity. no one looks good without hard work, and I haven't been putting in proper effort.
flirting with too many boys- people think I'm going out with 3 different boys. that's how disgustingly flirty I've been. I'm addicted to feeling beautiful, even if it's fake.
avoiding the one who actually likes me- prep is so nice. and he really like me, which I don't understand at all. he's so perfect but he's ruining his image by putting his arm around my fat shoulders. I want to yell at him to go find someone beautiful, but I'm much too selfish for that.
lying to everyone- my family, my friends, it needs to stop. I want them to respect me, so I don't tell them the truth about where I go and what I do and what I eat.
(including myself) -telling myself it's going to be okay when it obviously won't be. telling myself I'm beautiful when I'm not. you get the idea.
making too many plans- I have so much stuff going on. work, school, the paper, friends, dates, church, family. blah blah blah. I'm busy. but I also have so many things I want to do!
procrastinating too much- yeah. I need to stop doing that.
ignoring what's most important to me- I need to start reading the word more and praying more often. my relationship with God is the most important part of my life, but I keep letting other things get ahead on the list. I need to prioritize.
failing all my school work- I don't get it. I work hard and get terrible grades. why is everyone else so much smarter than me?


see why I'm worthy of so much hate?

hello hurricane

today was a good day. or at least it was food-wise. I had some cereal for breakfast and a hummus and chicken wrap for dinner with milk. and that's it. good day.

funny thing is, I'm planning on binging. I'm gonna go have some cookies in the common room and then gorge on goldfish and hot apple cider with my friends. yeah. I know I'm terrible at this. I'm just sort of accepting my defeat and making it a part of me. I sound pathetic and defeatist, but what else is new?

I've taken to digging my finger nails into my skin until I bleed. it's great, I can feel the pain anytime I think I need to. no one notices that you're gripping your arm so tight that your knuckles are turning white and and your arm is bleeding. I never thought I'd be the type to self harm. but it's the only way to distract myself from the ocean of thoughts that's drowning me.

i need a little something

all I need is a bitter song, to make me better. much better.


I was feeling happy today. I even ate a normal day's worth of food. no binging, no restricting. and then it stopped working. the hot air holding me up turned cold.

i think i need help

english breakfast, spanish brownstone

I'm beginning to think that journalism isn't going to work out for me. I'm really just not good enough. I know that sounds like just a cop out, and that I should give it more of a shot. (and I'm going to give it more of a shot) it's just that in this moment it feels completely hopeless.

I finally found a real friend. James, or as he likes to be called, J ("it's just one letter, simple and clean") is a funny quirky guy who seems to enjoy my company for one reason or another. And I'm glad, because he's really cool. He's the one I stayed up with all night on friday night with. we just got back from breakfast together.

thanks for the nice, if a bit angry sounding, comments on the last post. I'm dealing with a lot of stuff right now, not limited to what I talk about here. I'm not strong enough to deal with it all, so I'm falling apart.
this guy from my christian fellowship group told me God uses our low points to reveal himself to us. but why do I keep coming back to this low? why am I always here? It feels like I'm just bouncing along the rock bottom.

I ate yesterday. And I already ate almost 800 calories today. But I figure it'll just have to be one of those where I eat more in the morning and not much at night. or at least I can hope.