In my freshman year I was sexually assaulted at a party. It was terrible in the moment and I cried for a few days and tried to talk to friends about it. They comforted me and told me it wasn't my fault, but I know it was. I was too drunk and too stupid.
I feel like my assault doesn't count because I'm not messed up about it. I still trust men (maybe a little too much) and I still go home with people from parties. I'm dumb, maybe.
Everyone's talking about sexual assault now, it's a big deal online and in my school. And I feel like a jackass because it hurt me, but didn't mean that much to me, either. Also I feel like as a woman I should have reported him. But I don't want to ruin his life or career over a stupid mistake at a party.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Sunday, September 29, 2013
frazzled
I feel like someone emptied the contents of my brain and mixed it all up and then expected me to function normally. I'm sober (well, hung over really) and I feel like I'm high, except with none of the giggles and all of the confusion. My brain can't stay on one topic for more than a tiny amount of time and I'm so unbearably sad and ashamed of myself.
At least I finally hit my goal weight. Two days in a row I'm 136, one of my magic numbers. Another is 134, where I was stuck for about 3 months once on a really long plateau. The lowest I've been since I can remember (like since I was 12) is 130. I'd really like to be under that and into the 120's by Halloween.
I went on a date with a really nice guy I met online. He's tall and dresses like a hipster but is totally approachable and funny and genuine. He seems really moral, which I like but am also a bit weary of, as I am not a very moral person. But I guess he could make me better. I'm seeing him again tomorrow, I think we're going to the park. One thing though, is that he's really skinny. His forearms and thighs are smaller than mine and standing next to him makes me look short and plump. If my calculations are right, I think he's only at the most 10 pounds heavier than me, and he's nearly a foot taller.
I can't focus anymore. I think I'll go to sleep.
At least I finally hit my goal weight. Two days in a row I'm 136, one of my magic numbers. Another is 134, where I was stuck for about 3 months once on a really long plateau. The lowest I've been since I can remember (like since I was 12) is 130. I'd really like to be under that and into the 120's by Halloween.
I went on a date with a really nice guy I met online. He's tall and dresses like a hipster but is totally approachable and funny and genuine. He seems really moral, which I like but am also a bit weary of, as I am not a very moral person. But I guess he could make me better. I'm seeing him again tomorrow, I think we're going to the park. One thing though, is that he's really skinny. His forearms and thighs are smaller than mine and standing next to him makes me look short and plump. If my calculations are right, I think he's only at the most 10 pounds heavier than me, and he's nearly a foot taller.
I can't focus anymore. I think I'll go to sleep.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
To myself
Maybe I should stop telling people my goals and dreams. Because I don't want them to wonder why I never achieve them, and I don't need the humiliation of them knowing I failed when I do. Really I should just keep it all to myself.
Yesterday I had waffles for breakfast with maple syrup and sweet. The whole meal ended up close to 1,000 calories. I walked and biked a lot, but it was still too much, especially at only 11am. I had rice and potatoes and Indian curry for dinner and pita chips and a granola bar when I was drunk.
Oh, the alcohol calories, too. Lots of those. I think it was 2 glasses of wine, 4 shots rum and a beer (plus a lot of marijuana for good measure.) It's too much for my own good.
Despite all this, and the fact that the day before was even worse, I'm so close to my goal. I was 136.6 this morning. I weighed myself and got 136.0 at first, a few times in a row. Then I weighed myself again a few minutes later and got 136.6. I think I'll stick with the higher one and just be happy with it. I need to keep up the losing streak and get to 135 as soon as possible. I want my calorie intake to stay comfortably under 1,000 for this week.
Yesterday I had waffles for breakfast with maple syrup and sweet. The whole meal ended up close to 1,000 calories. I walked and biked a lot, but it was still too much, especially at only 11am. I had rice and potatoes and Indian curry for dinner and pita chips and a granola bar when I was drunk.
Oh, the alcohol calories, too. Lots of those. I think it was 2 glasses of wine, 4 shots rum and a beer (plus a lot of marijuana for good measure.) It's too much for my own good.
Despite all this, and the fact that the day before was even worse, I'm so close to my goal. I was 136.6 this morning. I weighed myself and got 136.0 at first, a few times in a row. Then I weighed myself again a few minutes later and got 136.6. I think I'll stick with the higher one and just be happy with it. I need to keep up the losing streak and get to 135 as soon as possible. I want my calorie intake to stay comfortably under 1,000 for this week.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
so gross
I got high and ate to much yesterday. I had a whole bag of popcorn and a bowl of soup. Then my roommate made cinnamon buns and I ate those too. So I took a bunch of laxies before bed and I've been feeling the pain ever since. I fucking hate laxatives but I need them. Ouch.
Monday, September 23, 2013
boys boys boys
I swear all I think about lately is boys. I must be like super hormonal or something but all I can think about is talking to them, kissing them, and what it's like to fall in love. This guy from home texted me, wanting me to come see him some weekend soon. My heart was so happy when he was texting me I could barely handle it.
The problem is I'm also crushing on a lot of guys at once. I just love talking to them and need someone to be constantly talking to me. It's like an attention addiction or something. I don't remember ever being like this before.
And it's like a hierarchy. I have a few favorites, ones I like to talk to most. And when I feel like I'm bothering them too much I go to the next one and then the next one and so on. It's taking up far too much of my brain power.
I should be using that brain power to do things for my career or focusing on losing weight or something, I don't know.
One bad thing about our conversation today was that he sent me pictures of the girl he slept with on Saturday. She was so cute and tiny. I'm guessing her BMI was around 16 or 17. So I spent almost a whole train ride thinking about how I want to someday weigh less than half of this guy. He's 6'5 and very muscular, not at all skinny, but almost no fat either. I'm going to guess between 200 and 220. (It's so hard for me to tell guy's weights, it's so much easier with girls) So that would mean I would ideally weigh between 100 and 110 pounds if I were dating him (which is in my healthy bmi range, so I'd still look normal and could maybe even lose more from there)
I'm at a plateau for the last week, but I'm happy considering I lost 8 pounds since August 25. That may not be a lot for the girls online, but it's significant for me. I really want to lose another 2 pounds by Oct 1, though so I can finally be at my goal of 136. Then I think I could lose another 6 by Halloween and be 130. Wouldn't that just be perfect?
I keep dreaming about it... 120 by New Years Eve? That would be too fabulous for words. I haven't been 120 since middle school. middle school. Now that's pathetic. I wasted my high school and half my college years being fat. I'd be so much happier if I were skinny. I swear a third of my thinking time goes to hating how much I eat and how I look. My chest just fills with this enormous hatred and it kills me slowly. Luckily I've found a few ways to rescue myself so all my time isn't wasted and I can at least get some other things accomplished.
Maybe I should go to the school therapist.
The problem is I'm also crushing on a lot of guys at once. I just love talking to them and need someone to be constantly talking to me. It's like an attention addiction or something. I don't remember ever being like this before.
And it's like a hierarchy. I have a few favorites, ones I like to talk to most. And when I feel like I'm bothering them too much I go to the next one and then the next one and so on. It's taking up far too much of my brain power.
I should be using that brain power to do things for my career or focusing on losing weight or something, I don't know.
One bad thing about our conversation today was that he sent me pictures of the girl he slept with on Saturday. She was so cute and tiny. I'm guessing her BMI was around 16 or 17. So I spent almost a whole train ride thinking about how I want to someday weigh less than half of this guy. He's 6'5 and very muscular, not at all skinny, but almost no fat either. I'm going to guess between 200 and 220. (It's so hard for me to tell guy's weights, it's so much easier with girls) So that would mean I would ideally weigh between 100 and 110 pounds if I were dating him (which is in my healthy bmi range, so I'd still look normal and could maybe even lose more from there)
I'm at a plateau for the last week, but I'm happy considering I lost 8 pounds since August 25. That may not be a lot for the girls online, but it's significant for me. I really want to lose another 2 pounds by Oct 1, though so I can finally be at my goal of 136. Then I think I could lose another 6 by Halloween and be 130. Wouldn't that just be perfect?
I keep dreaming about it... 120 by New Years Eve? That would be too fabulous for words. I haven't been 120 since middle school. middle school. Now that's pathetic. I wasted my high school and half my college years being fat. I'd be so much happier if I were skinny. I swear a third of my thinking time goes to hating how much I eat and how I look. My chest just fills with this enormous hatred and it kills me slowly. Luckily I've found a few ways to rescue myself so all my time isn't wasted and I can at least get some other things accomplished.
Maybe I should go to the school therapist.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
137.8
Remember when I said I was doing great? Remember when I said I wouldn't binge and purge anymore? haha it all ended today.
breakfast- smoothie
lunch- 1/2 salad and a peanut bar
I came home and just ate almost 600 calories worth of chips and fruit gummies. Then I had another 600 calories of pasta and sauce. I threw about half of everything up, cried for a while then put on nice make-up and a fancy black dress and went to a sorority event. I hate everything.
This guy I was seeing over the summer and I have been talking the last week and we decided I'd fly down to see him the first weekend of October. I really want to be 135 by then, which would be 8 pounds less than the last time I saw him. I want him to know that I'm working for it, and I want him to want me even more. If another day like today ever happens, I don't know if I'll reach my goal.
breakfast- smoothie
lunch- 1/2 salad and a peanut bar
I came home and just ate almost 600 calories worth of chips and fruit gummies. Then I had another 600 calories of pasta and sauce. I threw about half of everything up, cried for a while then put on nice make-up and a fancy black dress and went to a sorority event. I hate everything.
This guy I was seeing over the summer and I have been talking the last week and we decided I'd fly down to see him the first weekend of October. I really want to be 135 by then, which would be 8 pounds less than the last time I saw him. I want him to know that I'm working for it, and I want him to want me even more. If another day like today ever happens, I don't know if I'll reach my goal.
Friday, September 13, 2013
shots
I saw a guy I hadn't seen since December last night. We had a bit of a romantic thing going on then, and it's still kind of unsure if it'll pick up again. I don't think I want to be involved with him again, but who knows what I'll say when I'm drunk.
Anyway. I saw him for the first time in a long while and he was thrilled to see me. He just kept looking at me and smiling and he said twice "You look really good."
ugh. I get such a high off of things like that. Last time I saw him I think I weighed somewhere around 155 pounds and last night I weighed 139.2 just as I was leaving the house. He had to leave to go do some homework or whatever and I kissed him as he was trying to leave. I meant to just kiss him once, but he held me tighter and kissed me like he meant it. Then I looked at him and said "I think you were just leaving?"
I ended up sleeping with one of his frat brothers and leaving. Ha. I'm kind of a slut but I love it so much. I love feeling like an object of desire. And I love having sex. Is that such a crime?
I woke up this morning to such a beautiful number. 137.8. That's less than 2 pounds away from one of my biggest benchmark numbers. It's the point when I'll be in the "normal" bmi range, somewhere I haven't been since freshman year. From there it'll only be another 15 pounds to my 21st birthday goal of 121. I want to 136 by next weekend.
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